My dear Jack, I must confess I read your mail with a tinge of sadness. How do you do that to a woman? You dated this young woman for two years, all the while sleeping with her and impregnating her. And now she’s suddenly no good for you. Meanwhile you were the one who insisted she keep the pregnancy. There must be something I’m not getting… And this is not about the dialectics of abortion or no abortion. That’s not the issue here. The issue is, why would you insist a girl keep a pregnancy when you have no intention of marrying her? You impregnated her to have a child or what? You wanted the child but didn’t want her? Or were you confused when you insisted she must have the child? An independent observer would want to know your exact intention. The pregnancy is to what end? And especially given the things you said about her.
I get troubled about guys who sleep with a woman for so long and when the question of matrimony arises they become vicious against the woman. They begin to speak all manner of evil against her, horrible things. If you had no intention of marrying her why did you date her for so long? You precluded her chances and opportunities with other men. She must have thought you wanted to marry her. The only other word for this is “usage” – you used her to satisfy your lusts and now you seek to dump her, and not in a good way. Why did you even introduce her to your parents? You seem confused. According to your mail the only “compatibility” you have with her is sex. On every other measure you scored her abysmally low. You’re strangers on every other measure apart from sex, so you said. You can hardly chat with her, meaning you rate her intelligence low. You’re worlds apart in your estimation.
Listen, young man. You don’t know anything about life. Even if you manage to dump her you’ve only complicated your life. She’s going to have your child. That connection can never be severed. Look around, ask those before you. When you want to embark on an obtuse adventure it’s wise to learn from the experiences of those who undertook the journey before you. We never seem to learn. You’re not going to be the first young man attempting to do what you want to do. Generations of young men before you have done the same. You will learn their lessons by force. Some people are too smart for themselves. Unfortunately you’re one of them. You seem to define wisdom by lack of character and values. You mistake so called “smartness” for wisdom. You’re going to make your life journey hard.
No one can force you to marry this lady. It’s your life after all. But given all the ugly things you’ve said about her I’m not sure it’s in her interest to marry you. You despise her. You’re going to treat her badly. You obviously don’t know anything about life. What you sow you’ll reap. It’s the primal law of life. The seed principle regulates creation. Given the fact the harvest is always in multiples of seed sown, I’d say you’re in for some harvest young man. Get ready. I have told you this before: if you can’t bear to marry her don’t date her. If an “accident’ happens you’ll be full of stories, start giving excuses. And young men like to tempt fate. They’re thus prone to accident. You lose all moral justification when you sleep with a woman for two years, impregnate her and then declare she’s no good for you. Really?! If she were your sister would you buy that from a guy? Would you tolerate a guy who sleeps with your sister for two years, impregnates her and then declares her no good? You’re toying with danger young man!
But some in your generation believe they invented life and can rejigger the rules as they see fit, and at their convenience. You will soon learn life is older than you. If you don’t learn anything about life learn this: you don’t want the anger of a woman. She has the capacity to burn down the house, even if it means self-immolation. The same passion with which she loved you and gave herself to you is what she’ll convert into an accelerant for anger. There’s a point beyond which you shouldn’t push a woman. But you’re a smart guy! You’ve decided to play her. Only you never bothered to imagine what she might be thinking. You’re cultivating dangerous bitterness. If she ever gets to the point in which she doesn’t care anymore, may God help you! Her maternal instincts are off. New rules of logic apply. And you can’t understand that logic. It’s emotional in nature and very righteous. You can’t reason with righteousness.
I don’t even know how you’re going to tell her you don’t want to marry her. When you insisted on her having the baby a rational mind will naturally assume you wanted marriage. But now you’ve impregnated her you want to go a-fishing? Again? How long are you going to keep doing this? You don’t seem to realise you’re thirty-five, that time is passing you by. There are definitive windows for certain things in life. After the passage of time those windows shut. Anything you do after that will be considered late. You’ll be behind the clock. You don’t go sowing wild oats at thirty-five, you think of settling down. Time is rushing by. By some calendars you SHOULD have settled down. At thirty-five you want to start doing what twenty-something year olds do? Don’t you realise you’re too old for some of these stuff? Because you have disposable income you feel you have license? I continue to meet thirty-something year olds with the maturity of twenty-something year olds. It’s rather troubling. You have to grow up! Your mates are grown!
There are age limits to segments of life. There are things a forty year old shouldn’t be doing for example. Expectations are capped. You can’t be forty and be expecting others to take care of you for instance – pay your rent, cover your hospital bills, take care of your children, their school fees… When will you ever be responsible? And yet there are forty-something year olds that are like that. They abdicate responsibility over their lives. And when family members refuse to carry their burden they cry abandonment. At forty no one is going to finance your wedding. Why should they? You’re a man! You should be financing the wedding of others. I’m subtly reminding you you’re approaching forty. Perhaps the reason your parents are insisting on this young woman is because they want you to settle down. They’re pleasantly surprised you stayed with her for two whole years. They read that as a good sign. They’re tired of seeing different girls pass through your portal. They want you to settle down. This is not the time for you to be playing the games boys play. You’re no longer a boy. Unfortunately you’re not well off enough to play the games men play. Not that you should be doing either. You’re dangling in that nether region of infantile adulthood.
Whatever you decide to do on this issue it’s high time you start thinking of settling down. You don’t have unlimited life. And if you’re not careful you’re going to impregnate yet another woman. Then your life becomes very i-n-t-e-r-e-s-t-i-n-g!
If you’re not going to marry this lady you’d have to beg her. For your sake. And you better pray she’s the forgiving type. She’s over-committed as it is. You’re dashing her expectations, leaving her with child. Hmn! You’re turning her into a baby mama. She never wanted to be one. It’s at your instance, which gave her reasonable expectation of marriage. She probably thinks that’s what you’re planning now.
Without a sense of responsibility your life will hardly have direction. You’ll waste your youth. Those who waste their youth live to regret it. Life passes them by. And everything from then on just seems too late. Don’t let that be your lot.
