My dear Jack, you’re not being wise, are you? Your girlfriend suffers bouts of insecurity and you proceed to regal her with tales about your last girlfriend?! Even if your girlfriend doesn’t have bouts of insecurity why would you be telling her about the wonderfulness of your last relationship? Aren’t old things passed away? Of course she’s bound to think you’re still in love with her. What else do you want her to think? And women are very sensitive to that question: Are you still with her or not?
A woman wants to be the one, wants exclusive relationship. That’s what you signed for. And she will protect the geography of her space, keep off intruders. She wants to know you’re with her, not that you’re there in body but with another woman in spirit. Your old girlfriend calls you and you’re enthused in front of your girlfriend, telling her she reminds you of those days. Which days? You’re not particularly wise are you! Women catch signals, they read cues however subtle. And anyway men are not particularly adept at hiding their enthusiasm for the girl they’re in love with. Part of the problem is that you didn’t particularly break off with this old girlfriend. You’re still in transition… You want to ease things off. But emotions are not like that. They don’t obey the laws of physics. You’re playing with volatile stuff creating jealousy in your girlfriend. No one can predict what she’ll do when wires cross. Not even she.
You’ve got to study women. You want to marry one. You’ve got to know what makes your woman tick, what sets her off. And you don’t want to know by experimentation. Better to watch her disposition to some things. Your house may not survive that experiment. Make up your mind about who you want. Do you want your old girlfriend or your new girlfriend? You’re going to make her start rummaging through your phone. That’s because of the insecurity you’re engendering. Of course I don’t support her going through your phone. There are confidences of other people in there. But you shouldn’t create conditions that warrant it. You should let the world know your woman is the one, the only one; that there’s no contesting her place and privileged position. And you have to constantly affirm it through words and deeds. You have to tell the woman herself. If you don’t do this you turn your relationship into a fair play for other women. The territorial integrity of that relationship will be assaulted. You sent out the signal. Young men sometimes bask in multiplicity of affection. But the danger in that is you set yourself up for confusion.
Love requires, no, DEMANDS commitment. But you can’t commit looking into the rear view mirror. You can’t be in a new relationship and be hoping the relationship with your ex girlfriend tapers off. Relationship is not a political transition program. You’re just going to make your new girlfriend angry and jealous. And you seem to imagine relationships are a light thing. Guys sometimes see these things that way but ladies hardly do. Relationship is commitment to women. Just as you want to boast to people, ‘That’s my girlfriend’, so she also wants to let people know you’re her man. And while we’re on this don’t you start thinking of bringing the two women together in some weird imagining you can keep amity between them. That’s crazy!
Don’t expect your girlfriend to accept your old flame as your bonafide friend. You’re going to start a civil war and it will consume your relationship. It’s only feasible in Hollywood under weird circumstances. And such is extremely rare and far between. Women are territorial. Your ex can’t be your best friend. Your girlfriend won’t take it. It means you’ll be bouncing issues off her first and bringing a fait accompli to your girlfriend. Your girlfriend will never accept her second-guessing your joint decisions. It means whatever you guys agree on is not sacrosanct, you still need the wisdom of your ex. And your ex will lay claim to the fact she knew you before her. She’ll pull rank. You know that adage about the man chasing two rats? He ends up catching none. You may be setting yourself up to catch nothing. And the analysis is quite simple. There’s a reason you broke up with your ex… Or shall we say you’re breaking up since the break up is present continuous tense. Those reasons haven’t disappeared. She’s still her selfish self. By the same token there’s a reason you started a new relationship… Or shall we say you’re transitioning into a new relationship…
You’re really neither here nor there. You’re in between two states. You have commitment from a girlfriend you’re not committed to. At some point you’ll be forced to decide on what you really want. But not in the way you imagine. It may be under present continuous threat. Your brain is of course used to your old girlfriend. You were programmed by interaction with her over the years. So it’s natural to miss her even though you know she’s not exactly good for you. There’s the physical attraction of course, and her personality. But those could not give you meaningful relationship. It’s why you broke off… No, sort of broke off. Personality can’t sustain a wholesome relationship. Neither can looks. It is values and character that do. If she has none, you’ll forget the beauty. You won’t even remember it.
See, you need peace as a man. Young men don’t realise this. They imagine marriage is all about great sex and beauty. What you don’t realise is that the ablutions of life will intrude into that vision of constant sex. You’ll go to work, you’ll drive through traffic, there’ll be house chores, there’ll be children… She won’t always be in 9inch shoes, or wear lipstick. She’ll wear hair net, she’ll wake up disheveled, her teeth unbrushed. Please don’t buy a vision of marriage from Hollywood. Movies take place on flat screens. The world is not flat screen. No one wakes up in real life with hair perfectly coiffed, lipstick perfect, eyebrows plucked, like in movies. The real world is messy. Children poo poo and wee wee in assumed toilets. Children take license. And so if your vision of marriage is predicated on present continuous sex you’re going to get disappointed. Your wife is going to take ill, there’s something called menstrual cycle, there’s something called tiredness.
That’s not saying we shouldn’t aspire to glamorous existence but the truth is only a negligible few attain it. Most of life is humdrum and full of repetitive chores. And so if you’re making your choice based on unrealistic parameters you’re going to get a huge disappointment in marriage. You’re going to go searching for something that can’t exist. The new girl you meet is going to become a wife. And then the ablutions of marriage will begin, with all the messiness. You can’t escape bathroom chores, hairnets and unbrushed teeth. As boyfriend/girlfriend you could visit each other over the weekend and meet next weekend. As husband and wife you’ll see everyday. She’s going nowhere. You’re going to go to bed together, wake up together. She won’t come in jeans on Saturday, hair nicely done, make up perfect. Instead she’ll have unkempt hair. She has always had it, only that her wig covered it up. Now it’s all yours.
There has to be materiality to a relationship. A relationship has to be authentic and real. A relationship can’t be plastic and pretentious. That’s a realistic piece of fakery. And so you should think through what you really want. When a partner is selfish the other party feels cheated and exploited. And you need commitment in a relationship. Your partner must be committed to you. Commitment is a big word. Commitment is not just ‘Oh, we’re starting an exclusive relationship.’ It’s commitment to somebody’s life, somebody’s dream, someone’s wellbeing. It’s a unity of spirit.
Ultimately though it’s your life. But one should avoid repeating the mistakes of others, especially glaring ones. And for all you know your ex might just be trying to establish her territorial control over you and nothing more. She may just want to prove no one can take you from her without her license and that’s all there is to it. Some people do that. She may just want to show she’s the queen, show the other girl. There’s girl code and your girlfriend knows perfectly what’s going on. They’re conversing in Womanese and you have no idea they’re even conversing. The frequency is too high for you. You can’t catch it. Women speak in multiple languages. There’s the language of women to women, the language of women to men and the common language. They’re trilingual, men are bilingual. They speak the general tongue and toast.
Respect your girlfriend’s analysis of the situation. Acknowledge her fears, work to allay those fears. They’re genuine. You should be mindful of things that cause agitation in your girlfriend. Avoid being a contributory factor. She should have no fears about your relationship, shouldn’t be worried someone will supplant her through your carelessness. Your girlfriend can’t understand you wanting to catch up with your old girlfriend. She just can’t understand. She’s not farming you out.
Let bygones be bygones. Let old things pass away.
Your mentor, LA.
© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com
Personality can’t sustain a wholesome relationship. Neither can looks. It is values and character that do. Click To Tweet Commitment is not just ‘Oh, we’re starting an exclusive relationship.’ It’s commitment to somebody’s life, somebody’s dream, someone’s wellbeing. It’s a unity of spirit. Click To Tweet