My dear Jack, you should aim for a fantastic relationship with your wife, your marriage shouldn’t be perfunctory, mechanical or humdrum. That’s terrible for a young marriage. Marriage ought to be fun. There ought to be happiness, or what’s the point! I’m assuming of course you guys love each other. A marriage doesn’t make sense without love. You’ll be locked up in a mechanical contraption with someone you have no affection for.
Some people of course say love doesn’t matter. But the man or woman who has experienced love is better qualified to make that judgment. Or someone who has experienced marital trauma. And why would you short-change yourself on what should be rightfully yours? Why deny yourself love and affection? Love is nourishment for the soul. Love softens marriage, makes it comfortable. Love makes marriage feel like second skin, removes tension from a home. You’ll live longer.
The fundamental base of a fantastic relationship is understanding. If you don’t understand her and she doesn’t understand you, there’ll be frictions in your marriage. But if you understand each other you’ll know how she’ll react in a given set of circumstances and she’ll know how you’ll react. The thing about marriage though is that we hardly see ourselves in it, we only see the other party. It’s why it’s so easy to point out the other person’s fault. It’s why we judge. Our focus is on the other party. Knowing you can hardly see yourself in marriage you should do all you can to accommodate your spouse. You must seek to understand her, know her make up. That extends even to sex. There’s a reason it called a knowledge program – carnal knowledge.
The mezzanine floor of a fantastic marital relationship is fun. You should have fun in your marriage. Your marriage should be fun. That means you shouldn’t take yourself too seriously. You should let your hair down, even if you have a bald head. You can’t have the dour disposition of a probate lawyer in marriage. Couples that have fun in marriage have certain characteristics. They tend to be quite close, tend to be friends. It’s why they give each other nick names. Nicknames vary from marriage to marriage. Some are cultural, some are cosmopolitan, some are religious. The most common of course are endearments – Sweetheart, Darling… A religious couple I know call each other Shalom. Shalom means peace in Hebrew. Some cultural folk call their hubby Uncle. I’m just saying do what works for you. Darling, Shalom, Uncle… The whole point of nicknames is informality. And some couples give multiple nicknames. Application depends on circumstances. There’s one woman I know who generally calls her husband Sweetheart. But she also calls him Strange Man. That’s on account of his unusual approach to life. According to her he has an uncommon way of seeing things; says her husband is not normal, but she celebrates him for it. She actually revels in his unusualness. When she calls him strange he counters she’s the strange one – after all she married him! They have so much fun in their marriage. She accepts his oddities, which he contests, loves him for those oddities, accepts him for who he is… But she’ll tell anyone he’s a wonderful guy and she won’t countenance another man!
Couples with fantastic marriage tend to celebrate each other. They tend to deeply appreciate one another. Each values the other party, knows their value. There’s a co-dependency. They just love each other. It doesn’t mean these couples don’t have disagreements. Only that those disagreements come once every long while. A disagreement is an anomaly to them. Agreement of heart is the default. Because they understand each other disagreements are minimal. And when those disagreements come they don’t last because the couple love each other, want to be together. You can’t be spoiling for a fight in marriage, lusting after blood and claim you want a fantastic marriage. You’ll likely get a WWE match.
Couples with fantastic relationship go out of their way to care for one another. The other party knows the partner cares for him or her. That sense of care is primary. Couples with fantastic relationship always watch out for each other. They instinctively protect each other. They keep third party regulators at bay. The opinion of third parties is not what regulates their marriage – be it parents or friends. They’re smart on those issues.
Couples with fantastic marriage respect each other’s opinion. They may not agree on all issues, may even be on opposite sides of a divide; but that has nothing to do with their marriage, it’s just a viewpoint. Their love is beyond such issues. Nothing will divide them. Not family, not politics, not friends, nothing!
Couples with fantastic relationship don’t hold grudges either. They let things go. They don’t keep a record of wrongs. Why? Because their love overwhelms every other thing. They talk about it, forgive each other and move on. There’s that knowing they have about each other. They have a deep knowledge of each other – know about each other’s health, know when the other person is sad, know when the other party is under pressure. When economics is tight both sides are understanding. There’s no unreasonableness and no temperamental display. They know how to comfort each other. They know when to be quiet and when to talk. Because of the love they have for each other they sense things. It’s not the mechanistic stuff that holds a marriage together, it’s that deep knowing of your partner, the deep appreciation, the deep affection, the deep understanding. There’s that famous saying couples that pray together, stay together. But as lofty as that sounds, if those prayers are not said in the context of love they won’t travel beyond the roof. Another thing about couples with fantastic relationship is that they take celebrations serious, as long as it matters to the other party. Not everyone likes celebrating birthdays of course, but if it matters to your partner you better make it matter.
Couples that are happy also give each other space to be, space to breathe. There’s respect for individualism. There’s no choking. They also tend to have custom rituals. The ritual can be a kiss first thing in the morning, helping to pick pyjamas, helping to hook jewellery, do zipper, etc. All these are a basis of fun in marriage. But the couples also accept deficiencies in each other. They’d rather concentrate on the fantastic qualities in each other and just absorb the rest. They know no one is perfect, know no one can be perfect. Marriage after all is a conjugation of imperfections. The heart is the key. But all these things are impossible without love. They’re just impossible. The relationship will be mechanical with no emotional commitment involved.
A couple can hardly be happy without a sense of fulfilment in marriage. There are those fulfilment things. If the fulfilment factor for your wife is happiness nothing will make her feel fulfilled without that fundamental being met. If for you it’s sacrificial commitment that fundamental must be met before you can be fulfilled. When two parties fulfil the big fundamentals in each other’s life they will always enjoy each other’s company, always want to be together. And so you need to ask yourself, what is the big fundamental for my wife? What is so deep for her without which she won’t be happy in marriage? What will make her deeply unhappy? Your wife must do the same, ask the same questions concerning you. That’s because a violation of fundamentals leads to misgivings. It generates worries about the person.
You can see these things are not that difficult. They’re basic in some way, are quite natural. But we don’t pay enough attention to them. You should have fun in your marriage. You should constantly look forward to seeing your spouse. The thought should give you quiet joy, peace, fulfilment. That’s because there’s so much love to look forward to. Joy improves wellbeing.
These are my two pennies on the issue. If you’ve gone very far in the wrong direction just engage the reverse gear.
Your mentor, LA.
© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com.
A marriage doesn’t make sense without love. You’ll be locked up in a mechanical contraption with someone you have no affection for. Click To Tweet Love is nourishment for the soul. Love softens marriage, makes it comfortable. Love makes marriage feel like second skin, removes tension from a home. Click To Tweet