My dear Jil, you’re thinking short term but when it comes to marriage you have to think long term.
This is what worries me… This guy toasting you, what exactly does he do for a living? Where’s all the money coming from? It’s a legitimate question considering his level of expenditure. He’s always buying you stuff – very, very expensive stuff. He blows a fortune each time he goes to the club. What exactly does he do? Yes, I know he gets invites to high profile events – he’s viewed as some sort of generational ambassador… He’s the poster boy for your generation. But I’ve watched the video clip you sent. I noticed he can’t exactly define what he does. He cloaked his answer in technology jargon. That’s a red flag right there. I know hype when I see one.
It will be interesting to know what kind of business generates that kind of return on investment (ROI). His business must be insanely profitable. But then he’s in the corporate sector and nobody in the corporate sector spends money like that. There are corporate guidelines and boundaries. This guy is blowing at least $142,000 on champagne alone per annum. What exactly does he do? Who are his corporate clients? Lavish lifestyle… Exotic cars, exotic parties, bling… Rap video lifestyle. It’s unsustainable. Even Diddy knows that. If you earned it legit you don’t blow it anyhow. And the questions I’m asking are even more pertinent given the state of the economy. How’s he generating those kinds of return to finance that kind of lifestyle? Who are the investors? Who are the clients? What exactly is the product? There must be something he’s not telling you. No serious guy in the corporate sector blows money anyhow. Look around. And did you say this guy is just 28?
If you don’t confront these questions now you’re going to be forced to confront them in the future. Life will force you to face the questions you’re avoiding. It’s what I’ve been trying to tell the young men. Stop comparing yourself to others. Just face your lane. Stop getting worked up by the lifestyle of others. You may be looking at false success. It’s a norm among boys. Everyone wants to show he’s ahead of everyone. It’s why there’s premature celebration of vacuous “success”. It’s why you have all those posts on Instagram. It’s “oppression.” All that millionaire lifestyle posts… How do you know they’re not pretend pictures? Do you even know if the props are real? Assuming the cars are actually self-owned how do you know the source of income? How do you know the guy is not into fraud or drugs? Or into organised crime? How do you know his money is not proceeds of some gruesome voodoo stuff?
You’ll destroy your self-esteem hyperventilating over those Instagram posts. If you approach some of those guys for the secret of their success you’ll end up in bad company. What exactly is wrong with working hard and going at your own pace? Ten, fifteen, twenty years from now you’re going to see how fake those “successes” are. It’s like that in every generation. You want to be known as the girl with the rich boyfriend. Meanwhile you know his means are questionable. There’s a reason it’s called questionable means. It means question it. The world will celebrate anyone with money. Even the Bible says so. So the fact he’s feted left, right and centre is not a validation of his means it’s an acknowledgment of his money. Those celebrations are often laundry detergent.
Your generation wants to make it overnight. Everybody wants to hammer fast. But there is no overnight success. Things don’t work that way. Dig deep into seeming “overnight” successes that are legit and you’ll be shocked at the amount of work and discipline that’s gone in. Even the amount of time it’s taken. Some things start way back. We just never notice. The very notion of overnight success presupposes shady stuff – something done in the dead of night when everyone is asleep. It’s why it’s called overnight success. You’ll get into trouble pursuing that kind of success. Success is not instant coffee.
You must necessarily question your values if you insist on dating a guy with questionable means. But you don’t want to ask the tough questions. That’s because you have a febrile hunger for designer shoes and bags. You’re too happy living like a Kardashian to want to question the source of his livelihood. You’re enjoying a false class distinction from your classmates. But it won’t last. It’s bound to collapse under its own moral weight. And it’s going to be hard for you to transition to a lesser lifestyle because you won’t want to look less. It’s all about appearances, isn’t it?
That other guy you’re not considering… Give him ten, twenty years. One day you’re going to wish you’d married him. He has character, has drive… And he’s doing legit stuff. Yes, he’s a junior now but with diligence and hard work he’s going to become a major player in the corporate sector. He’ll soon become a manager. Once he enters management cadre he’s turned a corner. That guy is dependable. But you can’t see it. The wages of sin is blocking your view. But he’s the kind of husband you need. That guy will take care of you, take care of your parents. Because of his character. And you can see how your sisters relate to him. I don’t know about the free spending guy however.
The decision you make now is going to determine a lot of things in your life. You’re writing the script for your future. Don’t look down on that guy because he’s initially disadvantaged. That’s where he is now not what he’ll become. Everyone starts somewhere. If a guy is hardworking, diligent, dedicated, visionary and has character you shouldn’t look down on him. He’s worth gambling on as spouse. There’s a difference between a prematurely plucked mango that is sun-ripened and one ripened through sap and nourishment. The difference is in the taste. And one has a longer shelf life. Of course I understand why you’d want to date a “made” guy. But are you sacrificing your future for a few designer bags and shoes? Those things are ephemeral. Fashion changes. Now, I’m not asking you to date a lazy bum full of motivational crap and religious effluvia. I’m saying it’s better you place your bet on a solid guy with character than on an emergency millionaire. This “relationship” is materialism-defined. Will you still continue to date him if he wasn’t spending all that money on you?
It’s your decision who you date of course but I’m giving you the benefit of experience and history, the knowledge of things I’ve seen. These kinds of relationship don’t last for the simple reason the fundamentals are wonky. One day you’ll appreciate what it means to date a solid guy, a guy with character. That kind of guy will love you matter-of-factly. You’ll never be in doubt. You’ll be special to him. Besides, you don’t want to get lumped into a criminal enterprise or get into the wrong database through association. If you date a guy who’s into drugs it will be hard to believe you know nothing about the criminal enterprise. Same with a fraudulent guy. You’re an accessory.
There are things your generation hails but which you’ll regret at fifty. It’s when you land in the future you’ll realise. You’ll be full of regret but there’ll be nothing you can do. And you only have one life. That’s scary.
Going by Instagram standard I can understand why you’ll want to date a guy with a sports car. He might even take you for gelato in Italy… But you should at least know the difference between hype and real stuff. Many of those stuff you see on Instagram are just click baits. Someone is building followership to earn some dough. If you’re foolish enough to believe that stuff I don’t know what to say. So someone puts on bikini near a pool and you begin to envy the person and covet her life? (The person doesn’t even dip into the water). Don’t be stupid it’s called photo shoot!
Don’t miss out on a real dude in pursuit of a fake one. When you marry the fake you’ll see the difference. Then you’ll get the raw data. You’ll see it’s all fake in 3D.
Everyone starts somewhere. Don’t despise days of small beginnings.