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Read Letter

Causing Trouble!

My dear Jil, you have to be mindful of the philosophy you subscribe to for your marriage. There are all sorts of crazy stuff out there. Some advice are whimsical delusions of the demonic variety. You don’t whimsically start trouble in your home for no reason. And then you send a fleshly visual as compensation to your man after disturbing his peace. What kind of unfortunate advice is that?! It’s radioactive. The advice betrays a lack of understanding about the makeup of men. It’s a misbegotten permutation of affection – crass manipulativeness disguised as love game. It belongs to movies. It’s the S&M variant of affection. You follow that advice you’re going to wreck your marriage. You should at least examine the soundness of a marital advice before executing it.

You know the story of the woman playing with fire in the house? When the building burned she said she was just fooling around. Didn’t mean to burn down her home. But it’s burnt. Some people have watched too many movies. So much so they’re churning out thriller scripts in their imagination. Anything can happen in a film. Unfortunately life ain’t a movie. Films don’t always mirror the natural logic of life. The endings are sometimes polled. The director shoots multiple endings for audiences to choose from. The final cut is the one that resonates with test audiences. In general people feel okay when a movie has a happy ending. Unless of course the director plans Part 2. In which case he sets up a revenge or continuation plot. If you have peace in your home and you imagine the best way to get attention is by disturbing the peace of your husband you may inadvertently set an expiry date on your marriage.

I keep telling you to study the makeup of men, in the same way I tell the men to study the makeup of women. There are things native and endemic to each sex. These are things you can’t change. Men love peace at home. If you don’t give your man peace your beauty is devalued. It won’t be in reckoning. It’ll be out of purview. And so the idea of compensating your husband with a tantalising pic after disturbing his peace for no just cause is a grave miscalculation. When trouble is too much men bail from a relationship. They just don’t have emotional capacity. They’ll run from home. Men don’t know how to solve such problems. Of course you imagine you can modulate the troubles, determine the right admixture of elements in the trouble cocktail. Two ounces of emotional disturbance, three ounces of sexuality… Really?

When the issues are too many in a relationship guys bail. But in a marriage there’s lock down. So the man finds creative escapes. Unfortunately they’re not always compatible with fidelity. I’m not excusing infidelity but some things are predicate. And anyway the whimsical philosophy is full of assumptions. The biggest assumption in the room is the belief the woman is irreplaceable, that there’s a monopoly of the channel of affection. Those who operate under such delusion soon realise relationships are governed by market forces.

There are some truths that are hard. This is one of them. Don’t ever assume you have a monopoly of the channel of affection. There are always competing channels, even if inferior. It depends on what quality the man is shopping for. The inferiority of a competing channel of affection doesn’t deter it from being an alternative, especially when it’s readily available and able to supply missing pieces. The reason I ask you to make sure you’re your husband’s best friend is that something as basic as the search for friendship can trip up a marriage. Don’t give allowance. Don’t be negligent. Let it be that the man wanders off of his own volition, not because you created the excuse. Then he has to deal with his conscience. You won’t be the justification for his errant ways. Don’t be the motivation for him either. Don’t make the home so tough he’s motivated to wander off in search of third party comfort. The fleshly market is not always about a man searching for something. There are active offerings. Once a man is an achiever market forces come into play. Those in the market have no respect for marriage. Put another way, it’s not always that the man goes searching for trouble. Troubles come after men. The market is proactive. With this as background it becomes obvious a foolish woman wrecks her own home. That’s voluntary liquidation of asset. It’s why you shouldn’t pull stunts in your marriage. You don’t take a wrecking ball to your home saying you’re testing the laws of physics. What if your calculations are wrong? What if you omitted ONE detail?

Don’t manufacture trouble in your marriage. Life is quite competent in that regard. There are always challenges in life. There are too many possibilities of what can go wrong in a marriage. You don’t go provoking stuff. If you wilfully manipulate a man as has been suggested he will become afraid of your possibilities. The alternative is he doesn’t take you seriously anymore. The whole thing is predicated on the assumption the man will stay when there is trouble. But what if he’s had enough? What if he can’t just take one more argument or trouble? Same logic applies to women of course. There’s sometimes that belief she can’t leave. Really? What if she chooses to damn the consequences? What if she calculates that being away from the marriage is less punishment than being in the marriage? You can’t always assume someone has no alternative to you. Even death has an options menu.

That kind of mind-set blinds you to your vulnerabilities. You can’t readily see how the other party is making preparation to leave because you’re running on the fumes of your assumption.  These are hard truths. You can debate it if you like, pontificate about it. But it’s wise to at least contemplate the validity of what I’m saying. When you have a good thing you nourish it, you don’t joke with it. You nurture it, protect it, groom it. That’s what you should do with a good marriage. It’s not always about sex for men, as powerful as that impulse is. It’s also about peace of mind, about an understanding woman. An understanding woman is a big concept for men. It’s not really about someone who gets them, though that is appreciated. It’s something about the woman who identifies with them and mixes love into everything.

Men contemplate their marriage. They think north, south, east and west regularly. If a man keeps coming back to the inescapable conclusion his woman truly loves him he’ll move heaven and earth on her behalf. I’m talking real dudes. When he knows his wife is so identified with him they truly share one life… There’ll be very deep attachment to such woman. It’s those kinds of men that get lost when the wife dies. They become disoriented. Some quickly dispatch themselves to the other side. They don’t know what to do once the wife dies. They can’t cope going forward. These kinds of love may seem extreme but the truth is, these are the people who truly enjoy the beauty of marriage. They understand unity of personage. Some refuse to remarry when they lose their wife. Such women are the true irreplaceables. It has to be wonderful when a man loves you so much. There must be such assurance.

Don’t damage the sweet expectations of your hubby concerning you. Let your home be a haven of peace and harmony. Harmony is powerful. Don’t subject your husband to foolish stresses, especially delusional whimsicalities. All those tantalising pics you want to send won’t mean anything if he tunes off you, or if he associates you with emotional trauma. He’s going to try and escape you. If you’re coming one way he going to flee seven ways. In a manner of speaking. He’ll avoid you, except it’s absolutely necessary to see you. Contact avoidance strategy will be deployed.

Don’t go causing unnecessary trouble in your marriage, ok? It’s not a wise cause of action. Don’t follow bad advice.

Let your home be soft. A home is supposed to be soft and comforting. Marriage should not be a hard place.

I hope you heed my advice. I’ll hate to receive a letter of regret from you.

Your mentor, LA.

© Leke Alder |

A home is supposed to be soft and comforting. Marriage should not be a hard place. Click To Tweet You can’t always assume someone has no alternative to you. Even death has an options menu. Click To Tweet Don’t ever assume you have a monopoly of the channel of affection. There are always competing channels, even if inferior. Click To Tweet



Tags : Peace, Advice, trouble, wrong advice

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