My dear Jack, there are things called “issues of life.” You must be mindful of them.
There are values you should subscribe to – honesty, loyalty, trust, integrity… They’re kind of like family. Indeed they’re cousins. They’re best understood within the context of real world scenarios, case studies. Sometimes they’re even better understood when we consider the antonyms. In practical terms the opposite of loyalty to a friend is not so much disloyalty but betrayal. If it’s not betrayal you weren’t close. Betrayal is a deep disappointment in someone. It’s a very personal wound. It’s the violation of something sacred. There are things friends don’t do to each other. Friends don’t betray friends. But you will hardly know who your friends are until your troubles come. Then you’ll know your true friends.
We use the word “friend” too casually. We get along with someone in a social setting and we immediately start calling the person “friend.” Truth is, many of those we call friends are mere acquaintances. Friendship is always tested by life. Friendship has no definition until trials come. In the day of your trial you will know your true friends. Trials will always reduce friends from double digit figure to a very low single digit.
Be careful about hypercompetitive friends. They compete with everyone, even when there’s absolutely no need for competition. They just want to beat everyone, even when they have no capacity to. Such people never drive with the windscreen. They drive entirely by the side view and rear view mirrors. Be careful about such “friends.” Friends boost each other, encourage each other, help each other. Iron sharpens iron. The danger with hypercompetitive friends is that envy is always lurking at their door. And envy is a sickness of the soul. An envious person is more concerned about what’s in the other person’s plate than what’s in his bowl, however full. It doesn’t really matter how the other person came about his portion. Envy ignores history of striving and suffering. An envious person is not a friend, cannot be a friend. To an envious person the graces of your life are raw materials of hatred.
In friendship there’s no striving. Friends just are. They’re there for each other. Friendship has obligations. And much of that obligation is moral. There are moral obligations in friendship. If your friend is in trouble you stand by him or her. That’s what friends do. It’s a moral obligation. You don’t have to do anything extra or extraordinary. Just stand by your friend in the day of trouble. That’s friendship. Don’t condemn, don’t judge, don’t join his traducers. Just be there for your friend. Leave others to do the condemnation. They’re not his friends.
When your friend is going through a rough patch in life, especially of the emotional variety, just be there for him or her. It’s a sacred responsibility. Life happens to everyone. Life tests us all. There are short waves of trial and there are broad waves of trial. A broad wave of trial can last up to ten years. There will be trial after trial, and trial after trial. In those years of trial things won’t necessarily grind to a halt. In fact the person can be doing well professionally or business wise but be going through horrendous emotional trauma. It’s not advisable to envy others. You never really know what’s going on beneath what you see. We never really know what others are going through. Pain is always buried deep.
A friend doesn’t crucify a friend in trouble. He gives moral support. By that support he says in simple language – I am here for you, will always be here for you. A friend is family. The thing about moral support is that it doesn’t even have to say anything. It just needs to be there. It’s an attitudinal disposition, a language of the heart. The other person knows you’re there for him or her. It boosts his or her faith, strengthens weary hands, energises pummelled heart. It’s one comfort in all the trial. That moral support can sometimes mean the difference between hope and anguish. Sometimes in life we just need people to be there for us. If you can’t minimise the pain of your friend don’t add to it. Don’t multiply the sorrow of someone you call friend. That is evil. The fact you won’t stand by your friend is painful enough. Apart from that pain there’s also disappointment. And on top of that there’s the sorrow you joined others in condemning him or her. There are those who like privacy. The fact they’re being discussed is enough pain during their trial. How can you then be the talebearer against your friend? No true friend does that.
When you do things in life think about the future. Your friend’s trial will not last forever. When the trial is over will you be standing as a friend, or perceived as a foe? When things are going well for you anybody can be your friend, everybody will be your friend. But those are not really friends. A friend is born for the day of adversity. Your friend cannot have a sense of betrayal concerning you. You brand yourself when you betray your friend. Even if he forgives you he’ll forever be wary of your capacities. You become someone to be feared.
There are some things in life that once they’re lost they can never be regained.
We can give excuses for doing evil to our friend. We can even tell others we’re trying to help our friend, when indeed we know we’re seeking to hurt him or her. Conscience is supposed to help us avoid doing injurious things to our neighbour. There’s a reason we have conscience. It won’t let us rest when we’re doing evil. Even after the deed conscience continues to cry, plaintively, reminding us we violated something sacred and need to make amend. The only way to shut up conscience is to scar it. Conscience is like an organ made of flesh. It can be scarred to reduce sensitivity. People anesthetise conscience. When we scar our conscience however, deadening its feelings, we have no feedback mechanism again. We become unaware. A man without feedback mechanism is in trouble.
For every violation of trust there’s a price to pay. People like Judas paid the extreme price. Never plan evil against your neighbour, never do evil against your neighbour. He’s trusting you.
Why am I saying all these to you? The reason is simple. When you’re a man of character your woman can trust you more. You become a great prospect. Women want a man with character, a dependable and trustworthy guy. They want rock solid guys. When you have solid character your woman can quietly boast about you in her heart. You will be trusted, because your character stands for you.
The ultimate act of trust is marriage. We never realise it but when you marry you’re essentially committing your life to someone. You’re committing your heart. That’s a lot of trust.
The question you need to ask yourself is, what kind of man do you want to become? That’s a question only you can answer.
But we’ll never really know until you commit to that answer.
Your mentor, LA.
© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com
The ultimate act of trust is marriage. We never realise it but when you marry you’re essentially committing your life to someone. You’re committing your heart. That’s a lot of trust. Click To Tweet For every violation of trust there’s a price to pay. People like Judas paid the extreme price. Never plan evil against your neighbour, never do evil against your neighbour. He’s trusting you. Click To Tweet You will hardly know who your friends are until your troubles come. Click To Tweet