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Read Letter

Mergers And Acquisition

My dear Jil, I understand where you’re coming from. I’m not the condemning type. I understand how we can be so messed up by our desires and passions. Everyone is susceptible. It’s why you diligently guard your heart.

I watched a movie the other day. Interesting story angle but sloppy editing. Still worth pondering though. The story was essentially a trilateral relationship between a man looking for green card, his wife and his American benefactor girlfriend. The wife lives in Haiti. As these things go the girlfriend sought to take over the guy; but of course the wife wouldn’t let go. Why should she? He’s her husband. Though she duly acknowledged the help of the American lady in getting her husband a green card, she made it plain she wasn’t giving up her man. And she did it in a way only a confident woman can – stylish and cool. No fuss. Her body language was, thanks but no thanks, go and look for your own man. The American woman somehow didn’t see the contradiction in her position, the inequity in it all – the fact she was asking another woman to hand over her husband voluntarily. How?!

I’ve come across cases like this in real life. In one case the wife was offered a substantial amount of money as well as a house to pack out of her matrimonial home and hand over her husband. Not making it up. Sounds like those things you watch in movies but the offer was made with serious intent. Sometimes life imitates movies and not the other way round. You see business scenarios applied to relationship. For instance, in the movie there was a failed merger and acquisition. The man wanted a merger, the mistress wanted acquisition. The initial attempt was management buy in which later morphed into a management buyout offer. And sometimes there are hostile takeovers like the one I cited above. Of course there are downsides to using a commercial template for a relationship. That’s what you’re experiencing and you can’t abide the disappointment.

I’m not saying it’s not feasible to knock another woman off her perch. But there are consequences. If there’s a backlash you can’t suddenly become a victim. You’re not a victim you’re the aggressor. And what do you want the other girl to do? Roll over for you? Would you roll over for another woman and hand over your man? Exactly! So forgive me if I don’t buy into the victimhood narrative, though I understand.

At the end of it all we all want to be owned and to own someone; we all want someone to care for us exclusively, and we want to care for someone exclusively. And sometimes what we want is not available. It belongs to another person. If you want to disrupt that equation, and cause pain and anguish on the other side there will be a price to pay. If you fail in your takeover attempt you will pay a greater price. But whichever direction things go you acquire a reputation. You become the woman every other woman hides her man from. Your reputation will precede you. That’s the way the world works. If you manage to acquire the man you will have no sympathy from society. They will gossip about you. That should be expected. To be honest, however convoluted affection can be it’s cheaper to acquire your own man. The moment you seek to muscle out another woman get ready to acquire a reputation.

You’re taking an aggressive approach to resolution of loneliness. You’re undertaking relationship thuggery trying to bump another woman out of her relationship. Some women are careless with their man of course, just as some men are careless with what they have, until they lose it. You made that mistake as well. It’s why you’re now aggressive. You lost a good man to carelessness and despite. You assumed his options were foreclosed and you learned the hard way. He just got tired, and he met someone who cared enough. It’s not as if you didn’t know his value. But you began to take the relationship for granted, until you lost it. Neither what you did then or what you’re attempting to do now will bring you happiness. But you should at least take in the lessons. Your attitude is, if a woman did it to me I’m going to do it to another woman. I’m not sure that’s going to make you happy though. It’s a false outrage for the simple fact no woman did anything to you. You chased your man away.

Let me cite instances of your impunity to put things in perspective for you. You wanted him to give you money but he had obligations you refused to acknowledge. And suddenly you began to call him stingy. This is a guy who had been very generous to you. He wanted to buy you a present and you assumed a commanding tone; as if he’s your slave. He nonetheless bought you the present but not a word of appreciation came from you. And he said nothing. Such silence is to be feared. You finally acknowledged the present the next day but still never said “Thank you.” Instead you complained about the present you specified and demanded he should buy you another as compensation. Isn’t that taking someone for granted? Of course he ignored you. The chain of ingratitude was growing thicker and longer. And then you texted him and called him mute for not saying a word. Isn’t that rude? People do that when they assume a man is so much into them he can’t leave. But that’s always a delusion. (If a man holds such view he’s also deluded). People have left forty-year marriages how much more a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

You don’t take a man for granted. He may just meet someone who values him and cherishes him. And by that time it’s too late. He’s seen the difference. You’d do the same if a man treats you anyhow and you then meet someone who treats you like a queen. You should also leave! You can’t be insolent to your man, take him for granted, be unappreciative, behave like an ingrate and expect him to keep stomaching it. Everything has a limit. Never ever assume you have such a powerful leverage over someone that he can’t leave. What if he chooses to damn the consequences?

There are those who labour to acquire love but once acquired they treat it anyhow. They destroy what they have with their own hands, take a wrecking ball to their relationship. They’re so much into themselves their sensitivity becomes dull. And because people make room for doubt the bad behaviour continues, after all they always get away with it. When you’re used to getting away with something it’s hard to see things the other way. You won’t see the hurt you’re causing. And you won’t see people losing faith in your relationship. You’re self-absorbed. Sexuality has its place in a relationship but be careful about using it for bargaining. It makes you assume a lot, makes you believe you’ve hooked a man so much he can’t leave. I’m laying it out for you real. No sugar-coating.

When people can’t tell you the truth you’re in danger of yourself. I’d say back off this guy. But of course the decision is yours. You know what you want and you believe you know how to get it. Some women believe they know how to get a man. But contradiction then arises if they’re the marrying type and remain unmarried. Pride then takes over and failed relationships are rationalised. “I could have been married ten times over. I just didn’t want to…”

When our methodologies fail to give us the ultimate prize shouldn’t we pause and re-examine our ways? When you’re manipulative the question of trust naturally arises. People will be wary of you, and that’s understandable. The question of your motive will raise itself. The man will want to know if you genuinely love him or just want to get married.

Perhaps if you drop some of these traits men will find it easier to want you and trust you. Trust is a big part of relationship. There’s a way women define trust but the paradigm for men is slightly different. For men trust has to do with safety and predictability. Men do projection. They extrapolate behaviour and use it for predictive analysis. Something like, if she can be this dishonest I’d better be careful. And so even though they like you and want you they’ll try and keep off. You won’t understand the mixed signals.

Men also don’t like being quizzed on their private data. Better for a man to volunteer information to you. When you keep quizzing and digging for information barriers to you are set up in the heart. Men don’t like busybodies. You can argue it, debate the rightness of the position and even demand it’s your right to dig, but you won’t change anything. When he trusts you he’ll volunteer all that information. Work on trust.

I’ve said a lot. I hope you take time to consider all I’ve said. But stop crying, ok?

Your mentor, LA.

© Leke Alder |

You don’t take a man for granted. He may just meet someone who values him and cherishes him. Click To Tweet Trust is a big part of relationship. Click To Tweet
Tags : double dating, dating standards, snatching

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