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Who’s getting married?

My dear Jack, it is the saying of the elders that the head of a new born should not suffer cranial misadventure when elders are in the market place. When your neighbour is greedily gulping down termites by day the wise among you ought to restrain him, another adage says. If not, no one will sleep comfortably at night. My dear Jack, you’re gulping down termites. For the sake of sonorous sleep for the rest of us I shall address your relationship issues. They are fundamental. Right now you’re the vision of a lavatory Olympian. Your termite consumption is heavy.

You’re not very smart are you? I normally make allowance for the foolishnesses of youth but this carries the pail. You want to choose a wife and you subject your choice to a referendum vote by your friends! How wise is that? Are your friends going to live with her, or are you going to be democratic in your disposition towards her? Do your friends remotely understand your deep longings, what you really want in marriage? How come they’re voting on your marriage choice? Isn’t that foolish! And now your private conversation with your friend on WhatsApp has found its way to Twitter. Congrats! You now have a national referendum going on.

The issue is not Jil or Kemi to be honest. YOU have a big problem! You have issues! The fact you’re willing to discuss intimate details about your relationship with your friends says a lot about you. What kind of man are you? From the texts, you and this particular friend are even discussing the anatomy of the woman you want to marry – the “ass” factor. You’ve obviously discussed her past sexual liaisons and other reprehensible details. Who are you?! I went through the thread you sent. It would seem from your friend’s assessment that you both have an equal stake in this woman. The stupid thing about his assessment is that it’s about how your friends feel towards her rather than how you feel. What’s their business? After discussing such intimate details about your girlfriend with your friends do you really expect them to respect her, or respect you? You’re allowing your friends to disrespect the woman you propose to marry? Really? Just what do you think marriage is?

I did warn you not to two-time girls. Now you’re confused, which is what I tried to warn you about. Which is why you’re asking your friends to help you choose whom to marry. Whichever girl you choose you’re still going to have separation anxiety. You won’t be getting affection from two women anymore. There’s going to be a deficiency relative to what you’re used to. The gap is going to make you feel funny, like something is missing. And anyway once you choose, the other girl is going to pull away, as will almost all your female friends. That will cause you to feel lonely. It will be like you’re alone on a desert island. There’ll be detachments.

You really have to be careful about the conjugation advice of that friend of yours. The whole thing is about his interests and those of your friends – she’s not friendly to us, doesn’t greet us… All sorts of nonsense. You’re not going to have a happy marriage trying to please your friends. You’re going to have a problem in that marriage. No woman will agree to subordinate her marriage to the whims of your friends. Look around. Flip things around. Do you think your friends will care about your opinion in deciding on a wife? How come they’re the voters on which woman you marry? Whoever you marry is your issue. If she’s okay you’re going to live with her. If she’s not you’re going to live with her. As per your friend’s analysis… It’s all about him, him, him and him.” In other words marry Kemi because Kemi is good for me, she respects me, will sacrifice for us and accommodate us your friends… We can even make demands on her. She once cooked for us at 3am! In other words Kemi has utilitarian value. But if you marry the other girl “your guys will not show up at your house again!” Sorry, but how exactly is this a parameter of choice of wife? Obviously your friend has issues with the other girl but he’s couching it as YOUR issue.

To be honest with you I don’t know whether I should be counselling you or the disparaged girls. Shouldn’t I be advising them to run away from you given the content of your exchange with your friend? The issue is not the merit or demerit of either woman. It’s the nonsensical process you’re using to choose a wife. Now we know what your friend wants as per your marriage, but what exactly do YOU want? We know your friend wants a girl who’ll be “greeting” him, who can “cook swallow” (malleable carbohydrates), one who can give good sex, who will treat your friends right, be accommodating of them, and constantly bail you and your friends out. There’s also the “ass” factor. Your friend wants the woman you marry to have “ass.” What vulgarity! Is that what marriage is all about? About asses and carbohydrate concoctions and the bailing out of irresponsible young men and cultural subservience to husband’s friends? And why don’t you just marry her off to your friend?! At least he knows what he wants. You’re the clueless one. And on so many levels.

Why won’t you sit down somewhere and do some thinking. What do YOU want in a wife? And not just short term consideration, think long term as well. You and your friends are treating marriage like you’re buying recharge card to browse YouTube or to look at photos on Instagram. As if marriage is a two-minute video. Your friend sounds like an inebriated young man coming up with technical terms for space travel. In the olden days his will be called Ogogoro chatter. For the uninitiated, Ogogoro is the local substitute for Johnny Walker. It has utmost capacity for liver damage. It’s 196 proof. Can fuel the power system in hell. When Ogogoro courses down your throat it creates a memory lane, sears the back of the throat like a road construction company pouring hot asphalt. Johnny Walker tells you to keep walking. Ogogoro tells you to keep staggering. You can take Ogogoro in your house and wake up in another local government area. It’s wonderful for fantasy GPS. I think Ogogoro is at play between you and your friend. It’s why you can be discussing marriage issues like a WhatsApp gossip.

The first thing you want to know as a man is whether you will have peace in whatever relationship you go into. Your health won’t survive lack of peace. It’s a mental health challenge. As per physical traits shouldn’t the issue be YOUR taste rather than your friend’s? Should your friend’s taste matter? Who’s taking the wife? As per personality, isn’t it about who you like, who you readily get along with without extraordinary effort? Someone you flow with, a personality you like? And what about values and life philosophy? Do you agree on life outlook? If you can’t agree on life philosophy there will be disagreements in the marriage. And it will escalate and drive a wedge, create a chasm like the one between Lazarus and the rich dude in Hades. Life philosophies are undergirded by values. Do you share values? Do you have similar outlook to life? You can see I never mentioned your friends in all this. How do you know these friends will still be with you ten, fifteen years from now? Life has interesting ideas about friendship. And this your friend who’s an expert on marriage, does he even have a girlfriend? Does he have any relationship? Is his relationship wholesome?

You need to cure your self esteem issues. It’s the lack of self esteem that turned your marital choice into a symposium. If you go into marriage in this state chances are you’ll lose a good woman to the whims of your friends. They will dictate the assessment standards for your wife. This idea of discussing intimate details about your relationships with your friends… It had better stop. Doesn’t show you count your girlfriend for much. Wise men are guarded about discussing the woman they want to marry with people. They don’t share prurient details that demean and devalue their girlfriend with the world.

To be honest I’m not sure you’re ready for marriage. I don’t see maturity. You need a lot of maturity for marriage.

Whether Jil or Kemi… Just make up your mind. As it is, someone is bound to get hurt. Someone’s going to be rejected. I’ll advice you be careful about a woman’s emotions. It’s stronger than Ogogoro in the powering of hell!

Your mentor, LA.

© Leke Alder |

The first thing you want to know as a man is whether you will have peace in whatever relationship you go into. Your health won’t survive lack of peace. It’s a mental health challenge. Click To Tweet Wise men are guarded about discussing the woman they want to marry with people. They don’t share prurient details that demean and devalue their girlfriend with the world. Click To Tweet
Tags : marital choice, marital decision, who to marry, choosing a life partner, friend's opinion

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