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The Logic of Relationships

The logic of relationships

My dear Jil, the desires of our life naturally present their own logic. This is more so in relationships. But we don’t always factor in the logic of our desire. Such an omission unfortunately misdefines expectations in marriage and if care is not taken can lead to serious issues. If you want to marry a young dude for example, the age bracket naturally determines economic strength. At that age the young man is still trying to find his feet and that should temper your expectations. That’s not saying there are no exceptional young men who hammer at a very young age. But they’re who they are – exceptions. They’re not the general rule. It takes longer for others. And this is not to excuse the lazy guy – the guy who can’t apply himself, doesn’t seem to have direction in life but talks big. Such guys are disasters when it comes to marriage. They never assume responsibility. Some won’t even apply for work. They’re too big.

I’m saying when a young man is trying to find his feet expecting him to take you on an all expenses paid cruise to the Caribbean is neither reasonable nor logical. That’s not saying he can’t save towards one, but note it requires savings. At that phase in life that money is best put to different use. If you keep spending at that level the guy will never balance. Everything he makes will be blown on you. And you’re going to be disappointed when he can’t meet basic needs. You won’t excuse him from that responsibility because he took you on Caribbean cruise. Truth is, you pushed him to spend above his means. Such a guy will have to take on debt to satisfy your demands. Then the marriage will never balance. It will lurch from one debt repayment to another, the next month’s salary already spent. In other words your desires and reality don’t sync. Your expectations are illogical. You can’t have a struggling young man who’ll fund a lavish lifestyle. It’s illogical.

Either of two things can happen: it’s either you go for an older guy who’s well settled and so can afford those luxuries; or you go for a young man and build together. If he’s faithful and diligent he’ll gather steam. In time he’ll be able to afford those things you want. But expecting a struggling young man to buy you pricey jewellery and take you on expensive vacations is just plain illogical. You’re in the wrong relationship. Of course both of you can pull resources together to accomplish some things but there ought to be prioritisation. Some things are more important than gold jewellery at the early stage of marriage. You may want to consider costume jewellery. If he’s a businessman he’s got to build his business. If you keep consuming the capital from the business the business will never grow; and if it doesn’t grow it can’t finance the lifestyle you want.

It’s your decision of course the kind of man you want to date or marry. No one has a righteous vote on your choice. If you want to date an older man it’s your choice. But note that even that has its own logic. He won’t be able to hang out with you and your classmates for example. But if you want to date a young man you have to be patient. You have to adopt a long term economic policy. Those things will come with time. That’s the logic of life. Unless you want him to steal. You should be worried if his spending doesn’t match his income. It’s either he’s a magician, or a crook, or he’s hiding his means from you. You can’t enjoy that kind of money and when it becomes obvious it’s crooked money and the guy is nabbed turn around and feign acute innocence. You’re an accessory.

What matters is the promise in a young man. And you can tell if a young man has promise or not. Women can pick these things from ten miles off. You can tell the guy going somewhere from the loud-mouthed no-drive no-ambition name dropper. And young men do that a lot. When they gather in watering holes everyone tries to prove he’s doing so well, knows important people… Everyone has a big deal pending. It’s just guy talk. What you’re looking for is a solid guy. You know he’ll work hard, apply himself. He’s driven and ambitious. You can see his hunger. But he’s also responsible towards you and towards your dreams. Sometimes things will be rough for him, sometimes things will be tough. But he has a sense of responsibility. He takes moral responsibility for the welfare of his family. One day he’ll do you proud. He’ll move his family to a better neighbourhood, bigger accommodation, pay for those cruises, take care of responsibilities. It’s all a matter of time. So do you want to do long term play or short term play? It’s your decision. Do you want to build with him or move into a ready-made set up. Each has its logical outflow.

I once knew a young man who had absolutely nothing. He didn’t just sit down moaning. He rolled up his sleeves and applied himself, put his shoulder to the burden. In time he began to make it. Life threw all sorts of things at him, sometimes horrible stuff but he persevered. He met a girl and everyone told the girl she was crazy for dating him but she said she saw something in him. That guy had hunger and he was responsible. And one day everyone woke up and he had become an important and respected man. Nobody was laughing anymore. He had proved himself.

A young man has to prove himself when his girlfriend invests her life and hope in him. It’s a challenge. She is saying in effect, I’m going with you because I believe in you; I’m going with you because I know you’ll make it. Together we’ll build together. Not everyone can take up this challenge of course. But when you find a young man who can, invest in him.

Your mentor, LA.

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

The desires of our life naturally present their own logic. This is more so in relationships. Click To Tweet If you want to marry a young dude, the age bracket naturally determines economic strength. Click To Tweet You can’t have a struggling young man who’ll fund a lavish lifestyle. It’s illogical. Click To Tweet If you keep consuming the capital from the business the business will never grow. Click To Tweet A young man has to prove himself when his girlfriend invests her life and hope in him. It’s a challenge. Click To Tweet What matters is the promise in a young man. And you can tell if a young man has promise or not. Women can pick these things from ten miles off. Click To Tweet
Tags : Dating, Choosing, choosing a spouse, Choosing a partner, choosing a life partner, letr2jil, Jil, logic, the logic of relationships

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