My dear Jack, she can’t eat her cake and have it. How does she expect it to work? She’s already told you you’re not the one. How she arrived at the conclusion is irrelevant. The conclusion is the conclusion. Whether God spoke to her or she heard a voice, or a prophet proclaimed is beside the point. The only reality you’re facing is that the girl you’ve dated for close to a year and had hoped to marry says she can’t marry you. She says you’re not the one. Now, I can understand your pain. You’re so much invested. You’re emotionally plumbed. You’ve always planned the future with her in mind. But this is my challenge. She wants things to continue as before – same long hours of gist, the going out, sharing of naked feelings, etc. How?! She wants to be your closest friend, remain special to you, occupy pride of place in your heart… But she doesn’t want to be your girlfriend. There’s a huge contradiction on the table if you ask me. It’s sometimes so hard to explain to people you can’t eat your cake and insist on having it. It’s gone! You ate it. If as she says she doesn’t want to marry you she should simply move on with her life and leave you alone. Despite what she said we don’t know the underlying factors behind the break. We don’t know if she’s eyeing someone for example.
There are consequences to such decisions and determinations. But she’s trying to have the best of both worlds. You’re just going to be a filler of the emotional gap she’s created. The sad thing is that you’re hurting. She can’t see that because she’s only concerned about herself. There’s a self-centeredness manifested. Selfishness too. She’s not thinking of your feelings she’s only thinking of herself. Clearly she failed to exercise what psychologists refer to as consequential thinking. She didn’t think of consequences. And now she’s realized the things she took for granted, assumed were freely available are not so available. What this says is that YOU shouldn’t go into self-recrimination – there are wonderful things about you. If there weren’t she wouldn’t want to continue hanging out with you. You’re a wonderful friend. That capacity for friendship is going to be sorely needed in marriage. A large chunk of marriage is consumed by friendship. Sex plays its role but the most critical thing in a marriage relationship is the friendship between a man and his wife.
If you turn things around would she want you to keep making emotional demands on her after breakup? Would she like you to go to a movie with her and when people ask what your relationship is, say you’re just friends? She may parry the feeling but it will hurt. Sometimes people are so desperate to be special in other people’s lives they’re insensitive to their feelings. You need to heal. Your heart was shattered. Pick up the pieces and let time be the glue. It will come together. The pain will recede. You’re still raw. Let her know you can’t accept her arrangement and that you just want to be. Tell her you need to sort things out in your head, that you need to figure things out. You need to make a determination to move on.
She’s only thinking about herself, think about yourself. If you don’t firmly take charge of your life you’re going to be in a situation in which she’ll meet a man, tell you about it and you’re going to hurt. You’ll become jealous; though something tells me she’ll like that. Everybody should move on and sort out their life. You need to put it behind you. You won’t be able to do that if you keep peeling the scabs on the wound in your heart. Just move on. Forgive though. That’s for your own good. You don’t want a root of bitterness lodged in your heart. Just accept things for what they are and stop examining scenarios in your head. Move on. Life can be funny. Who knows if at some time in the future you’re going to thank God you never married her. That has happened to many. They’re later grateful they didn’t marry old lovers.
Selfishness is not a good nutrient for a relationship. When next she calls show her your firm resolve. You’re moving on with your life – you can’t operate under her terms. You don’t want to be in a “likely unlikely” relationship, hoping against hope, tempting fate, unable to move on. If only people will stop taking inspiration from the emotional tragedies in movies. All that “what could have been between us” is just movie.
Move on with your life.
Your mentor, LA.
© Leke Alder | firstname.lastname@example.org.A large chunk of marriage is consumed by friendship. Sex plays its role but the most critical thing in a marriage relationship is the friendship between a man and his wife. #Letr2Jack Click To Tweet Selfishness is not a good nutrient for a relationship. #Letr2Jack Click To Tweet If only people will stop taking inspiration from the emotional tragedies in movies. All that “what could have been between us” is just movie. #Letr2Jack Click To Tweet Move on with your life. #Letr2Jack Click To Tweet