My dear Jil, the reason you keep having arguments and unending quarrels in this relationship is because of your disposition. You’re not balancing your needs with his needs. And you want to dictate the terms of the relationship, control what happens, every sequence. You won’t have a relationship if you continue. It will be too much.
There’s all that selfishness as well. You take what you want emotionally but give back the barest minimum. You imagine that will keep him wanting you, tether him to you. You feel you’re sucking him in, leading him on, but you’re doing the exact opposite. You’re putting him off. And he’s getting tired of all the arguments, the stubborn insistence on terms and rules. It’s draining. It all hints at insecurity, all that control stuff. Everything has to be on your terms. You never budge. Even when it seems you budged it always turns out you never actually shifted from your position. Who wants to be in a relationship with a self-centered, calculating, controlling and accusatory girlfriend? That’s how you come across. You might not have meant it but that’s the picture. Because you don’t want to give in the relationship, he’s asking himself what exactly he’s getting from this relationship. There has to be emotional reward in a relationship. You want him to keep asking you for affection, but he never makes you do that. You don’t beg him for affection. He volunteers affection. You’re so engrossed in yourself and your needs you can’t even see the picture. You forget it takes two to make a relationship, that you can’t have a relationship with yourself. In being self-centered you fundamentally abrogate the laws of relationship.
No two relationships are the same. That some rules work in one relationship doesn’t mean they will work in another. The parties are different. What you did in your last relationship won’t necessarily work in your new relationship. I’m letting you know you’re working against yourself. At the end of the day you won’t have a relationship if care is not taken. You’re accusatory. Not directly but it’s in all those texts you sent. You’re projecting your fears and vulnerabilities on to him, accusing him with them. That’s unfair. You have all these stuff going on in your head. You keep accusing the guy impliedly, text him like a small boy. Your tone is instructional. He’ll walk away. For a four-week relationship there’s just too much headache. He told me he’s actually having physical headache trying to relate to you.
Obviously he likes you. He particularly likes the fact you’re forthright and honest about your feelings for him. That means a lot to him. But then you layer it with all those other stuff. You even told him not to exchange texts with you for one day. But midway through you realized you were missing him and broke your own command. The original idea was to make him want you more. You thought you had him. And you think you’re being careful by being mindful about giving emotionally. The result is emotional debit. That’s not a relationship. You’re so emphatic with those rules of yours – the remonstrations, instructions and commandments. There’s no room for negotiation, there’s no compromise whatsoever.
Be careful when a guy seemingly agrees with all your selfish laws and rules. That he’s accommodating doesn’t mean he’ll stay. You may be pushing him too far. I’m not going to do this, I’m not going to do that. And you say them so emphatically, impliedly accusing him by racing ahead to reply to demands he never made. You’re anticipatory with accusation. It’s all on your terms. As it were he has no say. But the honeymoon phase of the relationship is why it seems he agrees to everything. This is a guy you’ve known for some time. He’s very credible and you know you’re lucky to have him. You missed the chance to date him back then. Now you have the chance and you’re working hard to botch it. Come on, this guy has tried. Not sure many men will be this patient. Self-centeredness is a one-way mirror. Flip the coin. As of last night he was already exiting. You sensed it and suddenly started telling him how much you miss him, things you never told him before. That’s troubling. Means you did all those things on purpose.
Enough of all these antics. If you want a relationship shut the antics workshop down. Even I’m having headache responding to your mail. It’s all just too much. Better call him before he calls it off. He’s on the verge. And you can’t blame anyone but yourself if this thing breaks.
Stop dishing out what you don’t want in a relationship.
Your mentor, LA.
© Leke Alder | firstname.lastname@example.org.Who wants to be in a relationship with a self-centered, calculating, controlling and accusatory girlfriend? That’s how you come across. #Letr2Jil Click To Tweet There has to be emotional reward in a relationship. #Letr2Jil Click To Tweet In being self-centered you fundamentally abrogate the laws of relationship. #Letr2Jil Click To Tweet No two relationships are the same. That some rules work in one relationship doesn’t mean they will work in another. The parties are different. #Letr2Jil Click To Tweet What you did in your last relationship won’t necessarily work in your new relationship. #Letr2Jil Click To Tweet Be careful when a guy seemingly agrees with all your selfish laws and rules. That he’s accommodating doesn’t mean he’ll stay. #Letr2Jil Click To Tweet Self-centeredness is a one-way mirror. #Letr2Jil Click To Tweet