My dear Jil,
Thank you for your reply. I’ll address the issues you raised in this letter. Hopefully I can pass on some wisdom.
Personally, I think your friend should get out of that relationship. And my reason is as simple as it is basic: Once a man begins to ask you to prove your love for him, you can be sure manipulation has set in. You will be asked to do something that violates your sense of propriety, in certain cases something criminal. Love is not manipulative. And if it needs proving, you can be sure it ain’t love. Love is!
Your friend’s boyfriend belongs to a special class of people known as emotional predators. An emotional predator uses a woman’s (or man’s) emotional or sexual involvement as leverage for very selfish demands. I suspect your friend is sexually involved with this guy despite her protestations to the contrary. And I understand why she may not want to admit that to you. She’s invested an unpublishable quantum. Too much! Time, emotion, hope, faith, self, finances, social equity, sex… (Sex is a very heavy emotional investment for a lady).
She’s hoping against hope for investment vindication. It’s why she keeps giving in to demand after demand. She’s now a love slave desperately in need of returns. Because she gets tokens in return, she invests more to get out some more. It’s a trap! And the guy knows. She’s manic at the thought of losing the relationship. Too much false hope. Because she’s so far in, she’s become the proverbial monkey whose clenched paw can’t let go of the cookie in the trap jar. Tell her the truth! She may resent you for it but the truth will eventually set her free. Knowledge of the truth always sets men free. Try shock treatment if she won’t listen. She’s somnambulist. Tell her point blank to cut her losses. It can’t end well. He won’t stop until her savings run out and he’s just going to move on to the next girl with the next savings account. It’s a huge joke if she thinks she can keep him by spending more on him. O Lord! He’s not worth keeping. If she holds on stubbornly, he’ll treat her terribly without conscience. Especially if he feels she’s not invested her all on him. May my daughter never meet such a human!
You’re a pearl. Never cast yourself before swine. It will turn around and rend you! If you want to know the attributes of true love, read 1Corinthians 13 in the Bible. You’ll see why swine love can’t be love!
You also asked to know why a man won’t start a relationship when he’s clearly interested in a girl. I’ll answer the question but let’s rule out of our consideration guys with commitment issues as well as swine. Let’s also rule out the socially challenged and socially inept. They’ll skew our answer.
A relationship is a three-stage process for men. There’s the attraction stage and there’s the commitment stage. Women clearly recognise these two stages and think one should lead to the other. That’s because of their gift of intuitiveness.
But there’s a third stage for men – the evaluation stage. It can come before or after commitment! If it’s done after commitment and the result is unfavourable the man begins to cool things down, looking for a way out. Where evaluation is pre-commitment and seems so fast, the man either used a template, or did homework on you, or has an agenda, or had just made up his mind he wants you no matter what, or is overwhelmed by love! But even with ‘love at first sight’ the man still evaluates his luck, or misfortune, though after the fact.
What is a man evaluating? In one word, disposition! Your disposition. What’s your character disposition? What’s your economic disposition? What’s your sexual disposition? What’s your socio-cultural disposition? What’s your spiritual disposition? What’s your emotional disposition? He may also be weighing if you’re fine enough!
Note however that men distinguish between physical attractiveness and emotional attractiveness. That he’s physically drawn to you doesn’t mean you’re emotionally attractive to him. A man may find a woman physically attractive but emotionally unattractive. That creates dynamic indecisiveness.
If a woman is contentious, troublesome, argumentative, stubborn, temperamental or controlling, the man will weigh his options. Unless he’s not interested in a serious or committed relationship, in which case the issues are not his! They don’t matter. Men can’t endure emotional unpredictability or emotional disequilibrium. Men love peace!
And “Will she listen to me and respect me?” is a big question for men, especially after a certain age. He’s also weighing his pocket! “Can I afford her?” is a very legitimate question. His resolution or accommodation of all these factors determines whether he commits or not.
I hope you find this mail enlightening and may be just comforting. I wish you the best in your relationship.
Your mentor, LA.
©Leke Alder 2013