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Read Letter

Don’t Date A Man Without Character

Dear Jil,

Thank you for your mail but information management is a crucial issue in any relationship.

Relationships are built on data collection – texts, mails, photographs, confidences, secrets, tapes, words and letters. Each party is a repository of information about the other party. The only data security guarantee you have is your boyfriend’s character. Don’t date a man without character.

Don’t date a vindictive or vainglorious fellow either. When you quarrel (and you will quarrel with such a man), he will publish your confidential data. He can ruin your life. If you can’t trust a man with information, don’t date him. The foundation of intimacy is data trusteeship.

If a man talks carelessly about his last girlfriend, it’s a matter of time before you get the royal treatment. Such a man suffers from verbal flatulence syndrome (VFS). He expels flatus from the wrong orifice. Some men like to boast of “conquests.” Of course most like to boost their rating in the adamic community. Chest thumping is not a King Kong monopoly. Don’t date Ivan the Conqueror! You’ll just be another “conquest.”. And if you don’t want to be a conquest, don’t lie down! But let’s look at the flip side of your question.

There’s such a thing as too much information (TMI). There are some things better left unsaid and better left unknown. Don’t seek to know what you can’t handle. Why seek to know the complete sexual history of a man when you know you can’t handle the information? What do you want to do with that kind of knowledge? Create an encyclopaedia of sins? If he’s committed to you, serious about the relationship and faithful, why the archeological excavation of prurience? Complete disclosure will not make the man a virgin, or cleanse his past. As far as I know only the blood of Jesus does that. (I mean cleansing of the past!). I don’t know why people equate such level of disclosure to clean slate.

Data virginity as factual virginity is a romanticised illusion and a desperate clutching for security. Being a repository of that kind of information only exposes you to unpleasant truths about regrettable pasts. And if both of you have colourful pasts, a disclosure agreement won’t balance the scale. What you have is balance of error.

In a typical man’s mind a rather colourful past presupposes canine tendencies. (Can breed distrust). Please don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about dishonesty in a relationship, or the hiding of critical information. If the info will affect your social evaluation, make you a laughing stock, affect your health, or fate, he MUST disclose. And vice versa. May be difficult but it’s the best course for the long term health of a relationship. If a man has dated your friend for example, he must let you know. The outcome is your decision but you should know. If you find out it’s worse. You’ll read it as deceit; that the joke was on you all the time.

Let me cite another instance in which a man clearly owes his woman disclosure.

If a man finds himself in a situation which mandates constant proximity to an old flame, he should let you know! That can happen in business and he should tell you himself. I do think he ought to give you extra assurances in such circumstances. And I’m talking about romantic assurances, not “I swear to God who made me! kind of assurance. A gift, flowers, written note or text, or even dinner can’t be bad! He needs to affirm his love and commitment to you; that everyone pales in comparison to you and there’s even no basis for comparison; that old things have passed away.

In social gatherings where the ex is present, he must demonstrate to the world his commitment to you, in word and gestures. If you have to assert yourself in such a situation, I’ll be worried. You need to have a talk! Commitment…Character… See you next week!

Your mentor, LA!


©Leke Alder 2013

Tags : Confidentiality, Character

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