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Read Letter

An Understanding Wife Is A Heavenly Gift

My dear Jil,

My dear Jil, I know you’re upset but hear me out…ok?

So both of you are quarreling and you’ve not spoken to each other in days. You’re not happy, he’s not happy. As I write this there are tears behind your eyes. You’re angry and a tad lonesome. There’s tension in your head. And your anger is no longer about the original issue. Your anger is now the fact that he’s not spoken to you in days, that he’s ignoring you. You’re frustrated.

I’ve listened to your narrative. I’m sure Jack has his own perspective too. The amazing thing is that both of you are right! Such is the strange equation of lovers’ argle bargle. But Jack seems a level-headed young man to me. Given the circumstances, I’ll like to share a little piece of wisdom with you. You’ll see the common mistake we all make. This simple mistake often turns costly, very costly in instances.

Jack is not known for self-centeredness or insensitivity is he? Indeed the reason you like him so much is because he’s kind and considerate. You know this about him, his family knows that about him, his friends know that about him. Therefore this issue constitutes what is called an anomaly. It’s out of character for him. As a consultant, I deal in intelligence. I do data analysis. I read data and make sense of data. One of the things I watch out for in data is an anomaly. I train my eyes to spot anomalies. Imagine an Orwellian society where everyone wears black, everyone, everyday…black, no respite. Now imagine if one fateful ‘Friday’ someone, a lady, shows up at work in yellow! THAT is an anomaly. Confronted with such as a consultant, questions will flood my head: Why did she wear yellow? Where did the yellow come from? How was it sourced? What are her motives? Is she just being rebellious? Is she being difficult? Or had she run out of black? Is she colour blind? Was she tired of black? How long had she had the yellow dress? Who sewed it for her? Might there be other colours? Since the yellow is epochal, is this a radicalisation of the era? Or is it just dirt of history, to be flicked off?

The point I’m trying to make is that when we are confronted with an anomaly, we should go into a state of Selah. Selah, a favourite expression of David Jesse the poet and lyricist is Hebraic for “Pause and Think”. Ponder. Seek to understand. Enquire. In seeking to understand you display wisdom and character. If your good boyfriend does something out of character you must seek understanding. (Same goes for the man). When confronted with a behavioral anomaly in a good relationship, never rush to conclusion or condemnation. If for instance your boyfriend always celebrates your birthday, and in flying style at a posh restaurant, but on this one occasion takes you to a bukateria (and not because his love is diminished) then you must selah! You have an anomaly. You can’t rush to emotional judgment. You must seek understanding. Could he be having financial difficulties? Is something going wrong with his business? Are things okay with him? In seeking to understand you put aside yourself for the moment. He won’t be worried all you’re concerned about is yourself, what you want, your lusts. He’ll know you care. And “for better for worse” begins to resonate stronger. If he has problems you’ll end up ministering to him. A good man never forgets such. Such gestures go to the depths of a man’s heart. It connects to a deep place and brings tears to the heart of men, subterranean cry. He’ll begin to thank God for the kind of woman he has. You want your man thanking God for you, always.

An anomaly is an anomaly. It may be a calm boyfriend who suddenly goes choleric. Something is wrong! He may be under tremendous strain. In seeking to understand an anomaly you demonstrate maturity, especially if you’re gracious. You know what Solomon said about an understanding woman? He said, wealth and riches can come from a father but an understanding wife is from the Lord. An understanding woman is the gift of a benevolent and munificent God, an endowment of grace. An understanding woman is proof of God’s love and kindness to a man. She’s the evidence of mercy.

An understanding woman covers the shame of her man. She’s wise and discreet. She’s loyal and kind. In your dealings with your fiancé don’t throw away his history of constancy, love and care. Don’t live for the moment. And always contextualise his acts and omissions. Again, same goes for the man. Don’t because of one anomalous happenstance throw away years of character and goodness and devotion. Those who do tend to have regrets. Now it’s possible that Jack did indeed do wrong given the facts. But that only proves he’s human. You make mistakes too, remember? You ain’t perfect. None of us is perfect. We are being perfected. A perfect union is the tolerance, love and understanding of imperfect people choosing to come to terms with imperfections.

Are you going to set the tone for the future of your marriage with an anomalous happenstance? Come on, pick up the phone, call him. Show you’re Heaven’s gift to him.

Your most loving mentor, LA.


©Leke Alder 2013

Tags : Love, Mistake, Understanding

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