Dear Jack, marriage is a continuous education programme, especially for the man. That’s what Peter said. He said to dwell with your wife with knowledge. Means your marriage will always be an adult education programme. There are fundamental things you need to learn about women in general. (They’re different from us). But there is proprietary knowledge you need to acquire about your wife in particular.
Peter, who was a married man by the way, says you should be a good husband to your wife. That’s a loaded statement. It raises the specter of the possibility of a well-intended but clueless husband! And it also raises the possibility of a good suitor who lacks knowledge on how to be a good husband. What Peter is saying is that husbandering is client specific. You are to be a good husband to YOUR wife. You can be a good man to many women and not be a good man to your wife. It’s tragic but it happens.
You can’t be generous to everyone but take your wife for granted. You can’t provision for everyone, pluck out your eyes for others and not be sacrificial to your wife. If you do you’ve got your priorities mixed up. Your sacrificial platform is first and foremost your wife. In real terms your expenditure on her will constitute a measure of sacrifice. Pamper your wife. What if she doesn’t reciprocate? You do your part. At some level love is a duty. Yes, there’s the chance she may take you for granted, and some people do. But you please God. And if it’s a concern for you, voice it. A marriage should allow the discussion of such issues. Don’t keep the matter to yourself. That may lead to resentment. At least she’ll know how you feel.
Upbringing matters, and some people have to unlearn certain teachings and inculcated values. Some mothers teach their daughters to respond to men in a certain way, irrespective of present facts. In the same way some fathers teach their sons wrong values and over-generalisations. A mother can pass on inimical life survival lessons from her experience in a loveless marriage. For example, a woman married to an irresponsible gambler might teach her daughter to hide income. There will be natural outflows of such philosophy especially if it’s out of context. And the young husband won’t understand why his wife’s actions are suggestive he’s irresponsible criminal. The lesson was passed down. She may build a house without his knowledge. These things happen.
Peter says to dwell with your wife with understanding. Know where your wife is coming from. Study her strengths, know her limitations. Work with those facts. Also study her personality. Take knowledge of her tendencies. We all have tendencies. She may have secret fears. Seek to know the root cause lest you spark off the fears inadvertently. In one way or another we’re all running from our past. Some are running from poverty, some from pain, some from memories, some from shame… But the past is often dogged. It keeps pursuing us, runs past the delineation of past tense into future tense. The past overtakes some lives. And some lives it takes over. When the past colonizes our life we end up re-living it, becoming what we foreswore. And so we become Michael Coleone in the Godfather, transforming into our nightmare. And that is how one generation becomes the older generation. The past is a stubborn pursuer. When we’ve not dealt with our past sufficiently it can find its way into our marriage and ruin it. You must seek to understand where your wife is coming from. That is wisdom.
Armed with that understanding you’ll know what to say and not say, what to do and not do. A woman whose father is very responsible for example may not understand late payment of rent. And if the family has been thrown into the street she’ll be very conscious about financial security. If you don’t understand that history you won’t understand why she seems so anxiety prone. Sometimes women with good fathers set the standards for their husbands using their father as template. UNDERSTAND where your wife is coming from. Understanding creates accommodation, tempers responses.
Remember your overall objective: you want a peaceful, harmonious, joyful and successful marriage. All your actions must be geared towards that simple objective. If you don’t have peace at home you can’t function. The reason young marriages can be tumultuous is sometimes lack of exercise of faculty of understanding. It’s why kids shouldn’t marry. Kids are impatient by temperament. Marriage requires patience. When you see someone throwing tantrums in a marriage you’re looking at a case study of immaturity. A home can’t be an X Factor programme of shouting matches. Breakages of porcelain pieces, TV and furniture sets should be left for marriages in movies. A couple can’t keep expressing emotions with destructive acts. The destructive tendency will eventually overtake the marriage. Though sometimes such rage is an expression of impotence. Never allow your marriage get to that. Create a conflict resolution system.
It’s important you both WANT the marriage. Then you can both work on your marriage. The truth is, a broken marriage is not to be desired. The consequences echo down the corridors of history. Uncontrolled it keeps reverberating, breeding foul emotions, looking for retaliatory opportunities. You ought to know your wife. No one save God should know her better than you. Then you can customize your love for her. That’s what Peter was talking about. I wish you success in your marriage.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder 2014 | talk2me@lekealder.com