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Read Letter

The Why The Ex

Dear Jil, your ex can’t be looming in the background of your marriage like a recalcitrant demon. Your ex can’t be featuring in your marriage like some malodorous atmosphere. You’re going to break your marriage. You’ve got to learn to let go of your past relationship. It’s gone. You’re married now, to another man. You’re just going to bring complications into your marriage hanging on to your ex. Men are exclusive about their wives and your husband is going to rebel against this ingratiation of your ex into your marriage. Your ex can’t be your best friend, your husband ought to be. Or what’s the point of intimacy!

This ex failed to marry you. His moment is gone. He’s missed his opportunity. Both of you have to reconcile to the fact the marriage wagon moved on. Life is not some movie. How can you be texting your ex on the night of your nuptial? How?! It portends an omen. And your ex can’t be your emotional crutch after you’re married. You’re going to create contradictions in your self. You can’t be running to your ex for emotional comfort every time you and your spouse have a disagreement. There are things that must stay in a marriage between a husband and wife. The complications you’ll unleash into your marriage hanging on to this ex you can’t imagine. Put another way, would you like him to bring HIS ex into your marriage? You won’t want that, would you? So why do to your husband what you can’t abide as a wife? Why rub stuff into your husband’s face!

Your ex has to get a grip on himself and move on. The days of campus romance are over. You can’t keep revisiting the past, living in history. That past only exists in your memory and it’s exclusive of your husband. All those campus romance stuff… Well, your love didn’t even survive the youth service corps scheme. Imagining what it would have been being married to your ex is delusional wishful thinking. You’re fermenting your brain with lust. It’s all a mirage. You’re forcefully converting legacy data into a Telemundo mirage. There’s no guarantee it would have worked out between both of you, and that’s the truth. That you worked out as boyfriend/girlfriend is no guarantee you would have worked out as husband/wife combo. There’s hardly any obligation in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Marriage on the other hand is spelt responsibility. He might have loved your petite figure as girlfriend but not be able to handle matrimonial consequential adipose deposits. Some men idealise the shape of their girlfriend but can’t abide changes after marriage. And changes will come. It’s one of the reasons some drop their girlfriend once they become baby mama. Like something has gone wrong. Some can’t even abide the idea of a baby. As far as they’re concerned the relationship ought to remain binary. Your ex can’t want to be your best friend either. That will be stoking primordial passions in your husband.

As it is now, there are texts from your ex you can’t show your husband. You’re already creating guilt for yourself. And you don’t want mistrust in your marriage. A marriage can’t have trust issues. There’ll be suspicions. You don’t want your husband’s imagination running wild every time you go out, wondering what you’re up to. Neither do you want innocent encounters to become issues in your marriage. Obviously, you can no longer claim a chance meeting with your ex. Your husband won’t believe you.

Marriage is a twosome, not a threesome. Get rid of your ex; he should move on. Or else you’re going to create two unhappy spouses when he marries. He has a fiancée, doesn’t he? You’re going to make his fiancée hate you. Women are territorial as you well know. If you don’t want to let go of your ex then let go of the marriage. You can’t want to eat your cake and have it. There are things the world does not abide. And things like this snowball.

Where exactly is all this leading however? What are you aiming to accomplish? What exactly do you want? You’re stirring dangerous passions nursing thoughts of intimacy with your ex. You’re married to another man. Before you know it you’ll find yourself sharing prurient stuff with him. Infidelity is beckoning. And when that happens you’ve crossed a Rubicon. It won’t matter if you meant for it to happen or not. Life assumes we’re serious about our pursuit and offers a hand, even for self-immolating pursuits. Pursuit they say is proof of desire. You’ve got a good husband, a guy who cherishes you, thinks the world of you. You don’t want to lose such a guy. You don’t want to risk losing him to aberrant lust, or risk losing his trust. The guy is a gem! Your family knows how lucky you are to have this guy. Even you know. Your ex is not worth jeopardizing this marriage. You’ll lose on many levels if things unravel. You’ll create a bitter husband. This guy gave his whole heart to you not just a ventricle. You’ll drive him to the edge. If you love him you won’t be working to drive him to that edge. This is sheer recklessness. The consequences of such recklessness are in the womb of time, well hidden from view. Don’t tempt fate. Stay in your marriage, physically and emotionally. Don’t ruin this good marriage. Stop imagining what could have been. They aren’t and can’t be.

Suppose you do get back with your ex, you can’t recreate the past. You dated in an ideal environment – university campus. University campus is not the real world. It’s why some relationships don’t survive thereafter. Real world is different context. Just love this man you have, appreciate what God has done for you, he’s a good man! If I were you I’ll block this ex of yours on all communication platforms. There’s a reason he’s called ex. This whole thing is simple: there’s ex, there’s why, there’s z. Your husband is z, end of story. Please don’t destroy your wonderful marriage.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

For related letters, please search for Ultimatum, How To Get Into Trouble After Marriage at

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Tags : Attraction, Emotional commitment, Respect, Spouse, Husband, Honour, adultery

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