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Dear Jack, she isn’t the prettiest of girls but she’s kind. Something about her drew him to her. She is not in his social class either. Very few would be. His father is rich. Very rich. She recognized early on he could date other women – very beautiful women, and yet it was her he chose. He trusts her implicitly. She’s selfless. It was that selflessness that created the trust. Selflessness creates trust. There are no airs about her. She’s as basic as a piece of pancake. No, not American pancake with all its embellishments and retinue of excesses. She’s just a basic person, a good soul. She couldn’t even dress well. Her sartorial taste was terrible and passable in equal measure. She is a friend, a girlfriend and mother all rolled into one. It was to her he turned at the critical juncture of his life. He trusted her with his data and emotions. Not that she totally understands him. But she loves him and cares for him.

Love bridges the gap in understanding. Love understands. Relationships are not mathematical equations. It’s why lists hardly work. Who can mathematize emotions? But unalloyed love, a good heart, trust and simple devotion form an incredible bond. Kindness has a language of its own. It’s the language of the heart. Kindness is attractive. She’s kind, he finds her attractive. He loves that heart. When asked why her, he had no answer. Language is sometimes at a loss in expressing an understanding of the heart.

Love is more an essay than a multiple choice question. He just knew she’s the right one for him and he had the courage of conviction. Not many do. He refused to allow members of his family pressurize him into regret. They had their candidate. They were trying to pair him up with the daughter of one of his dad’s rich friends. She is beautiful. Only they didn’t gel on the inside. The whole thing seemed expected and mechanical. And the combination was political, aimed more at scoring public relations points for the families. Such a combination would have been on the cover of Ovation Magazine. The bride, the groom and of course the parents! Putting the pictures on Bella Naija seemed more important to the family than the quality of his happiness. There was just something empty and dry in that match up. It felt like a pretty ill-fitting cloth. And while he appreciated what that would mean to his mom in her social circle, it would do nothing for him. He loved his mum but common sense told him not to go for induced matrimonial unhappiness. His father was understanding. He wanted happiness for his son.

From the stories of his friends he knew the danger of marrying someone you don’t love, someone you don’t want. It makes you feel suffocated. You become unhappy. And you feel trapped. As per his mum, well, she knew too. Her story is interesting. She was from a rich home, her husband was not. But they had this incredible chemistry. She felt he understood her. She was matched up with someone herself. Indeed, the wedding rites had commenced. Being from a West African ancestry, the marriage was in layers of ceremony a European would not understand. First came the “introduction.” That’s more like a semi-formal meet and greet between the families. It should have been something simple but wealth can make simple things elaborate. So she had a lavish introduction designed to overwhelm the other family and send a message. The message was, don’t mess with our daughter. She’s well taken care of and cherished (as you can see). After that came the “engagement.” And this is no English engagement. This is Nigerian cultural variety. A white classmate of hers was very impressed with the “costumes” worn at the engagement. It was a big party. He father was a high chief, her mum also a chief. The only problem was, she had misgivings. She wasn’t sure about the match. She became afraid, and she couldn’t lay her hand on the issue. She just knew something wasn’t right. But then, there was this very intelligent but nice fellow she had met in London. He seemed to be going somewhere. They could laugh together to jokes many just didn’t understand. There was just something between them. Only problem was she was already English engaged to this other guy.

Anyway, long story short, she pulled the plug on the marriage plans, opted out. It was a “big scandal” of course and there were a few expressions of indignation. But she knew they weren’t suited. Curiously the guy was relieved after she aborted the ceremonies. He too knew they didn’t gel. Just “packaged” together. She had reckoned it is emotionally cheaper to pull out of an engagement than to go into an unhappy marriage. Well, that’s the story of his mum and dad. And boy, are they happy together! And so his parents understood his reluctance to go into matrimonial gaol.

A good father does not stand in the way of his son’s happiness. A good father is supportive. A good father does not sacrifice the happiness of his child for his public relations stunt. And so his father gave his blessing. His mum too. She loves him. He’s her son and he’s a good son. Well, they did marry. And he’s been happy ever since. She has this incredible chemistry with his mum. Her sartorial taste did improve a little but she remained her basic self – plain pancake. He does make fun of her. Tells her she’s lucky to have him. Calls her pancake, as in basic pancake. She, in turn, jokes about what his life would have been married to American pancake. They’re very happy together. The quality of heart matters in a relationship. Go for a good heart.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

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Tags : Peace, Compatibility, Sincerity, Choosing, Parents, Attraction

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