Dear Jil, surely you can see these plans are asinine. I mean, how does it make it sense?! You’re dating a guy who lives abroad and hardly comes to town – may be once a year. So you don’t see him much. You face the typical challenge of long distance relationship. However much you do Facetime it’s never like being together. But instead of talking marriage, this man is talking about making you a baby mama. Why would you want to be baby mama instead of wife? And according to him you’ll have to stay here for two years after you’ve had the baby. You can’t travel to stay with him immediately. This allegedly is to ensure you don’t do menial job when you travel to meet him in UK! I’m lost and confused over this logic. So you stay two years apart so you don’t do menial job in the UK. Don’t get it, what’s the link?
When a man begins to talk things that don’t make sense to you as a woman, retain your thinking cap. This whole thing makes no sense, not even to men. And women are more intuitive. Surely doesn’t make sense to you as a woman. Looks like this man is fooling you. Something doesn’t add up. Something is not right. He’s clearly baiting you with the prospect of living in the UK. And it’s actually an elastic prospect. Clearly, this man wants to father a child without marrying you. Seemingly, he might not even have any plan to marry you. It’s the only explanation that makes sense in this improbable proposal. He’s hiding the truth from you.
You should at least research someone before you agree to marry the person. What do you know about this guy? There must be people who know him in the UK. Shouldn’t you ask questions around, find out about him? He can’t just pop up from 6,000 miles offering you marriage and you hardly know anything about him. You can’t marry a stranger! And this so called relationship is bedevilled with other issues. This guy is not into you. He can’t even pretend it. You’re some side project he doesn’t want to get emotionally involved with, but he hopes to reap practical benefits from. It’s why he hardly relates to you as boyfriend, why he doesn’t reply your texts for days. The people we avoid answering their texts and calls are people with low favourability rating. So how can you have a boyfriend who avoids communicating with you like you’re some pesky irritant?! That’s contradictory. I’d be worried if I were you. Guys don’t ignore girls they love. In fact they’re often proactive about texts with them. A guy that’s into you spends time chatting with you, sometimes till late. And he’d have a text waiting for you to wake up to. Guys are very excited about girls they care about. They’ll talk about her and civilly gloat to their friends. There’ll be that silent smile that says, “Guys I’ve taken care of myself, that side is settled!”
So it seems strange that your boyfriend won’t even pay attention to your texts or calls; that he’ll take days to answer. And this, from a guy who wants you to get pregnant for him and have his baby. Surely you’re not this naive. You’re going to be in a greatly compromised position if you follow this gravidity course. And it’s now going to be double neglect – you and your baby; or total ignominy – he’ll like the baby but ignore you. If this guy is serious about wanting a child from you let him do the needful. Let him marry you. He should talk to his family, then approach your dad about marrying you. He should properly introduce you to his family. He has to do the traditional rites, and the families have to set a date for church wedding. If he marries you cheap he’ll treat you cheap. As is, he’s setting you up against your family. I imagine you’re not telling your parents you plan to become his baby mama. And if he wants you as his wife he ought to start processing your travel papers. I don’t understand his two year travel ban. Let him do things properly if he truly wants to marry you. There’s a proper way to marry a lady. Have some self-esteem. If you go into this arrangement with him you must not like yourself. And you must be devoted to crashing your future.
All that aside, there’s still that fundamental issue about his feelings for you. Does he love you? You have to honestly ask yourself if you’re in love with the idea of emigration or want a good marriage. There’s nothing in this union that portends future happiness – either from the way he treats you or his irrational proposal. Even if you do get to emigrate, this guy is not going to treat you well. Surely you can see this. You will be very lonely. And you don’t want to be lonely in winter in England. You’ll be 6,000 miles away from family support. I doubt this guy will support you financially. You’re going to be dependent on him totally. This is not the way you start a marriage. This is just some proposal for an arrangement, not a marriage proposal. You already have doubts. Quit thinking about Trafalgar Square or Oxford Street. Start reflecting on the facts before you. What if you do indeed get pregnant for him and he refuses to marry you? He has what he wants, what do you have? And if something is getting this convoluted at the beginning, isn’t that a warning to you? If you take your mind off going to live in England would you ever have considered this proposal even reasonable? And it says a lot about what this guy thinks of you offering such a proposal anyway.
You’ve been to see him in England, what information did you gather? Or was your visit so choreographed? Where does he work? Who are his friends? Did you meet his colleagues? Did you meet his sister or any member of his family? Did he introduce you in church? Did he take you to his pastor? Was he proud to introduce you? How did he introduce you? What was the reaction? Did he seem to live alone in his apartment? Were there any strange calls from another woman? Did you even see his apartment? One of the easiest ways to mess up one’s life is to go into a marital union that has more questions than answers. If I were you I’ll open up to your mum, let her know what’s really going on. This is not something you keep from your parents. You don’t keep unreasonable matrimonial proposals from your parents. Think things through. This thing just doesn’t make sense.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com
When a man begins to talk things that don’t make sense to you as a woman, retain your thinking cap. Click To Tweet