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Read Letter

I’m Not Attracting A Man

Dear Jil, I do understand how you feel. Not being approached by any male can make one feel underappreciated. I think you need to change one or two things. Let’s try that and see the result. You see, I’ve always been intrigued by one particular statement of Solomon: “He that hath friends must show himself friendly.” It’s a very powerful and loaded statement. The depth is not that obvious. The statement posits two things. First, if you want friends you have to have a friendly disposition. That’s attitudinal. Second, if you want to have friends you must be proactive. Friendship is thus conditional.

The first condition of friendship is why you work on things like temperament, quit gossiping about people, running people down… You can’t imagine everybody is out to get you and start reacting to people from that perspective. That’s going to make you distrusting of people and make you sully and nasty. The nastiness will seep out.

You’re going to be lashing out at people, especially those who stick out their neck to come near you. You’ll lose friends. And when all the reactions to that come piling in, it will falsely reinforce the fact people are out to take advantage of you. You’ll become resentful. Meanwhile your needs are there. They won’t go away. Man needs to be loved, man needs to feel wanted. Some people try to camouflage that fact and they become emotionally constipated, antisocial and vacuous. If you want to be attractive you have to have a friendly disposition. Or you’ll repel what you naturally attract. If you want dates attitude matters. Men are sensitive to attitude. Have a friendly attitude. It boosts a man’s confidence to approach. Control your thought process too. It shows on your face. There IS an art to find the mind’s construction on the face.

Don’t view dating as a male versus female thing. Don’t be in warrior mode if you want dates. It will scare the men. The male versus female thing is not a philosophy you should imbibe. And it’s usually based on limited perspective. There’s the danger of over generalisation in such a thing. “Men are like this” is many times too general. Same for those men who say, “Women are like this.” It can be too general too. And anyway you’re not hoping to date humanity. Your concern is not the male specie but the particular man who approaches you. If he’s okay you have nothing to worry about. You can’t bring him under the cloud of generalisation from your narrow experience. I’m just saying you have to change your thought pattern. Don’t project your pain and disappointment as theology. You can’t hate men and want to date men. Something doesn’t add up in that. Same goes for the man who wants to date women. And you have to be careful about those conversations going on in your head. That variety is not healthy.

Now, let’s look at the second implication of Solomon’s statement. You have to be proactive. He that hath friends must show himself friendly. You have to be proactive. You have to put it out there that you’re friendly and attractive, consciously show you are. Men are moved by what they see. Men sometimes accuse women of being materialistic but they ARE materialistic too. They’re moved by what they see! And so attraction for men is based on looks – makeup, dressing etc. They get to see those things before meeting the person. You need to attract someone first before he can get to meet the you with character. Of course we wish men weren’t moved by physical and material attributes, that they’re attracted to character only but it is what it is. God will have to create a different type of men if you want those that are drawn to character only. They’re moved by vision. Now, there’s nothing wrong with being uncaring about your looks. But you may not attract someone from the general pool. You’ll be fishing in a narrow pond – the pool of men who disdain “artificialism” – all that put on and makeup. If that’s the way you want to go all well and good. Just be clear about your prospects. But if you want to attract men from the general pool you’ll have to look attractive. You’ve got to make the effort. And anyway looking good is self-affirming. You feel good with yourself. It’s healthy. If you’re careless with your looks don’t be surprised at the results you get. Men are men. You can’t change them. Men can be superficial. It’s why they tend to go for certain kinds of girls. They’re also culturally conditioned by mass media. It’s why some get burnt from committing too early to the wrong type. They soon learn character matters. But you have character. Just take care of the outer layer to correspond to the inner layer.

Solomon made another interesting statement about attraction. He said, “Kindness makes a man attractive.” Of course he’s using “man” in the generic sense. Kindness also makes a woman attractive. Be kind to people. Again that entails being proactive. You can’t just sit in your corner. You’ve got to go out of your way to be kind to people. There are too many tales of people who were good Samaritans to their future spouse. It’s actually a good pick-up point. People react to kindness. It paints a flattering portrait of someone’s heart, so be kind. The combination of kindness and physical attractiveness should get you the attention you want. That’s King Solomon’s take. But you have to create room for expression and appreciation. You have to socialise. You can’t be triangular – work, home, church on Sunday, work, home, church on Sunday. You’ve got to go out – to birthday parties, go out with the girls – your friends; attend functions… These put you out there. Functions are intersections of life. It’s where conversations take place away from officialdom. If you’re not the social type, and clearly you’re not, make friends with someone with that natural talent. Socials do require emotional energy, dressing up and all that but how else are you going to meet people?

I’ll also say pray. Yes, pray. Seems like common sense to me. You’re appealing to a higher power for help. But if you want God to do his part you also have to do your part. You can’t be working against him with your looks and disposition. Ask God for the man you want but take care of your appearance and temperament. And don’t forget to do good. Quit stuffing yourself because of the blues, ok? Get up and be proactive. I hope to hear from you soon.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

If you want to be attractive you have to have a friendly disposition. Click To Tweet
Tags : Attraction, Confidence, Character, Womanhood, Appreciation, Friendship, expressiveness, Loneliness, Purposeful living, Value, Self Esteem

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