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Read Letter

Accumulation of Value

My dear Jack, you have to keep accumulating value in your marriage. It’s how you become valuable and your marriage grows stronger. You cannot remain the young man who married. As the years progress, there must be maturation and value addition. When you marry as a young man, you are a potentiated entity. But you can’t go through the lifetime of the marriage a potential. At some point, potential has to manifest in concrete terms. It can’t forever remain a potential.

There are two loci of appreciation of worth in marriage – one is internal, the other external. Externally, you strive hard to make headway in life through your work. It’s how you accumulate value. As you strive to get promotion at work, strive to realise the potential your business value accumulates. You have to grow! As you make progress through your work, society will come to acknowledge your effort. You get social validation. This will of course increase your level of confidence. Soon you’ll gain access to certain social and political circles. This is why you should never joke with your work. It’s not just a means of livelihood, it’s also life’s social elevation ladder. The more you accumulate value externally the more your woman will respect you. This is a hard truth but worthy of acceptation. The higher you climb at work, the higher you rise in your enterprise, the higher your social status. Fact. Besides, the more promotion and increase you earn, the more you’ll be able to provide for your family.

You must take a basic stance as a man that you will provide for your family. That’s nobility, that’s responsibility. Even if you run an economic partnership with your wife, it’s still wise to take the stand as a man that you will provide for your family. It’s propelling. Sense of responsibility is both a stimulant and propellant. Pushes us to want to attain more. You can’t remain on the same economic and social spot year in year out. It will affect your marriage. You strive to go higher and higher. The higher you go in life, the prouder your wife becomes of you. (She ought to be). You increase her level of appreciation. And you encourage her to support you more. The results you’ve produced are motivating. It’s not as if you can’t achieve alone, but it’s easier (and emotionally cheaper) with support from your spouse. The more you achieve, the more your in-laws will respect you. This is another hard saying. Not everyone can accept it. I’m just saying if you stay on the same spot economically and socially, you’ll depreciate in both respects. You’ll frustrate your wife with non-achievement and non-progression. Some women have been known to give up and you can’t blame them. That’s not saying everyone has to be a millionaire. The key word is “striving.” Let your family appreciate your effort. And if a woman has to push and push a man, she becomes frustrated at some point, or she resigns herself, sometimes to fate. You’re supposed to be self-motivated. If not, your woman may give up on you. She’ll be forced by your lack of motivation to pick up the slack, and at some point she may wonder if she needs you. Hard truth.

There’s really nothing like remaining on the same spot in life. Even economically, inflation will take a chump of value out of you. It’s why you work hard to make yourself invaluable at work. It’s why you work hard to increase the earning capacity of your business. Your progress with your work will invariably determine your worth in society. Imagine your school reunion. You must strive hard to earn respect through your work and accomplishments. You will not get respect otherwise. That’s the way life is configured. It’s not something you can fight.

However, your wife also has to modulate her expectations. Unless you inherited money, you build up economically, gradually; not overnight. In trying to please her, don’t do what will eventually break the marriage. If the marriage fractures she’ll hold you responsible. Some things in life only come with time. There are things you will only be able to afford after some time. Don’t rush. If you do you’ll endanger the future. And you don’t gamble stability of your marriage. Budgetary consideration is a major issue when it comes to marriage stability. That means even though you want to impress her you have to prioritise feeding your family over buying her weave-on. Blowing the family budget buying her shoes will not preclude her from asking for the feeding allowance. And you have to be careful about trying to impress third parties; you’re a man. You don’t accumulate senseless debt on senseless purchases to prove so called “manhood.” That’s foolishness. But all these are about external locus of value. There’s the internal as well.

Commitment to the marriage is an internal locus of value. It gives your wife confidence in the marriage. The more trustworthy and dedicated you are to the marriage, the more she’ll appreciate you for you. That commitment is a place of rest for her. Marriage has all these nooks and crannies for the soul. Your commitment will engender her sense of commitment. Her loyalty will be fierce and non-negotiable. She’ll defend you outside because she knows she can rely on your commitment and loyalty. There’s no room for doubt. The less room for doubt in a marriage the stronger it becomes. There are all those pressures on a marriage but when the two parties involved are dedicated to one another, they can weather the pressures. The strength of a marriage is the power of two in one – that incorporated partnership of one human into another human. The potency of that partnership puts the enemy at bay. An incorporated couple is hard to penetrate. Everyone soon gets the message. It’s like, Don’t even try you can’t penetrate those two! It’s why she has to put gossips at bay. A gossip is a mischief maker. Gossip is a destabilising force to a marriage. Both of you have got to be wise. And commitment is the beginning of marital wisdom. People always have ideas on how other people’s marriage ought to run, even if theirs is falling apart. Third party experts. There are those who specialise in poking their nose into other people’s marriage. They want to gain control through suggestion. You and your spouse ought to stay tight. Keep your secrets between you. Discretion is hallowed in marriage.

As for the other matter you raised, I’ll address it in my subsequent letter. Meanwhile, keep accumulating value, keep striving, keep working hard. And maintain your sense of responsibility.


Your mentor, LA

Budgetary consideration is a major issue when it comes to marriage stability. Click To Tweet
Tags : Appreciation, Seasons, growing up, Growth, Development, Value, Progress, Responsibility, Achievements, Time, Manhood, How women think

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