We all have a past Jil, there’s none of us without a past. There’s none of us who hasn’t done something he or she is not ashamed of in life. We all have unrevealed stuff that make us cringe in regret, actions we’d rather not talk about, memories we’d rather not revisit. Unless of course you somehow did a quantum leap over the period of youth and arrived at adulthood suddenly. Even as adults there are things we’ve all done we’re ashamed of. Everybody has a past, everybody has a present. Agreed some pasts are grosser than others and some sins more egregious than others, but we’re all sinners.
There are those mistakes of youth we made, stupidities of youth. It’s the very nature of youth to be foolish, to do things without much thought. It’s the nature of youth to do things without a thought of implications, about the future. It’s why we slept with people we should never have slept with, attended parties we shouldn’t have, entered relationships we’ll later regret, taken photographs we shouldn’t have, been in selfies we’d rather scratch out, recorded videos that will haunt us… Some are luckier than others of course. Their mistakes are in a controlled environment and so the damage is mitigated. Some are lucky with parents who insist on certain boundaries which are resented but later greatly appreciated. And some by providence just escape things that will later haunt them; but not for lack of trying to wreck their lives. The sex we should never have had, relationships we should never have been in, clubs we should never have joined, photos we should never have taken, videos we should never have recorded. These are litanies of mistakes of youth. And sometimes these things haunt us and threaten our reformed lives. They threaten our future. You’re at that point in your life. May you have the strength to come through.
This ex-boyfriend of yours has already threatened to release your sex tape. I’m sure you know why. He can’t have you, you’re getting married. Of course, you rue the day you ever set eyes on him. It was an exploitative relationship anyway. You were 16 and in Year One; you fell in love with a final year medical student. He was 24. He took your car, took your money, slept with you, ill-treated you… You were besotted with “adult” affection. No one could make you see commonsense in those days. You fell hard for him, he was your first love. He introduced you to sex. Truth is, he’s the kind of guy every father prays his daughter never comes across. He’s a predator. After all the beating and all the fight, you made up, had sex; he took your money, rode your car and the cycle began all over again. By every yardstick, it was a terrible relationship. But you were infatuated with the foolishness of youth. It was in the course of all these that he made a sex tape, and now he’s threatening to release it on the eve of your wedding.
In this kind of scenario, you have to assume the worst. You assume he will release it, you assume the video will go viral. After all, you’re now a well-known figure; you’ve achieved a degree of success. There’s no point asking yourself why someone will do this. That’s troubling your soul. Evil has no rational basis. You can’t rationalise evil. It’s why it’s called evil. Your ex-boyfriend is evil – pure and simple! He doesn’t want your happiness. He can’t get over the fact you dumped him for a better man. A lot depends on your fiancé and hopefully soon-to-be husband. I pray he doesn’t chicken out at the embarrassment. If he cancels the wedding he would have partnered with this ex-boyfriend unwittingly. It’s a tape from the past, not the present. Yes, it’s difficult, but he has to call the guy’s bluff. He won! He has you. That’s what your ex can never have. He shouldn’t lose you to his perversity. You need to get a cybersecurity consultant and be ready to report the matter to Google so the video is taken down when released. You may also want to consider getting the Police involved. It’s a criminal act. Consider your lawyer too. He’ll guide you on the law. The laws of your country don’t seem to have caught up with the internet. It’s a revenge porn thing and in some other countries, the guy will be risking jail. Go heavy on this guy. You have nothing to lose. He’s threatening to damage your future.
We have to assume however that the stuff may prove malignant, that some pocket of the internet may cache it. You have to assume some local wannabe porn purveyor will want to retain it. Monitor such and go after them through Google. More importantly, however, is the relationship between you and your fiancé. This is a test of your love and commitment. I do hope you can weather the assault together and come out tops, united more than ever. It’s the only way to give this guy a black eye. He’s a loser!
You will need to do damage control with your in-laws. I expect your parents will support you no matter what. You’re their daughter. It may, however, be harder on your mother-in-law though from what you wrote about her, she’s a kind and goodly person. She’ll understand. We’ve all been there. Degrees just differ. This has the potential of bringing you closer. Go and talk to her. This may be something you’ll have to live with for the rest of your life. Some mistakes are like that. What can you do? You have to accept the reality and get on with the rest of your life. May affect one or two things in future but you pray society gets to that point in which it says, “Who cares!” But don’t let this guy win. Let this fire up your determination instead.
The girl in that video was a foolish young girl it’s no longer you. This girl is grown now and more mature. Look at how lovely you are now! Some people are losers and they’ll continue to be losers. My heartfelt condolence to the girl who marries this loser ex. Stop crying. Don’t live in shame. Pull your head up. Face the future. You’ll walk down that aisle tomorrow, regally. Your dad will be proud to give your hand in marriage. And we’re all going to be happy, rejoice with you, eat, drink and dance away. It’s your wedding! You must be determined to make your wedding a remembrance of joy, not a memorial of infamy. Stop crying my dear. There are more people in your corner than you imagine.
Your mentor, LA
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