My dear Jil, let me tell you a story. There was this guy who always seemed to over-reach. He never sought to date according to his station in life, he always reached above his station. He had an unestablished car repair business, was moderately educated, was not blessed with good looks or good anatomy though he imagined otherwise. He didn’t have much money either. He struggled with finance. But he was blind to all these. He somehow felt his calling in life was to date the most beautiful women in his local assembly, and not just beautiful women but rich, beautiful women. As one can imagine, it takes guts to date a rich beautiful woman. You need a sense of self, and also your own money. You hardly get respect living off a woman. If you don’t want to be known as a toy boy to a rich woman, you must have sufficient means relative to the status of the woman. That brings respect.
Anyway, this guy was always proposing to rich beautiful women, especially those past a certain age – what he deemed a cut-off age for a marital prospect. And he somehow imagined he was doing those women a favour; he believed they’ll be left on the shelf if they don’t accept his advances, that time was running out on them. And he somehow fancied himself a stud. The things young men tell themselves when they look in the mirror! His sense of self doesn’t match reality. There’s a huge misalignment. That made him a funny guy, the butt of silent unshared jokes.
He’s always rebuffed of course, at first civilly until he becomes a pest. Then the women resort to stronger measures. He’s the type who won’t lay off without a strong hand. He just keeps coming, believing that over time the woman will come to see sense in his proposition. And so he goes after older successful women with obvious means, offers himself as best matrimonial prospect given their “circumstances”. It’s like he feels sorry for them. And when his persistence is broken, sometimes through the intervention of his pastor or third parties, he goes after the next rich woman like he has a numbered list. I don’t blame him for his taste in women. Who doesn’t want a good thing? But he’s more of a dreamer, the guy who lives in El Dorado. That’s not saying strange and unlikely matrimonial combinations can’t happen and don’t happen. But they tend to be accidents of nature. Rare. One must also note that the wedding is not the marriage. It’s one thing to marry someone, it’s another thing to be able to keep the someone.
Now, we may make fun of our dear young man but as it applies to men so it applies to women. Just as some young men go for women beyond their reach so some young women go for men beyond them. This tends to create serious problems in marriage, if they make it to marriage. It’s some sort of extreme confidence, bold vision; or is it delusion or lack of self-awareness? When a man is way beyond you, you know despite your faith. You don’t want to struggle to keep your man. It’s agonising. The uncertainty it produces can erode self-esteem, and destroy emotional and physical health. Whether we like it or not life insists on stratifying humans. And there are various means of stratification – age, culture, education, birth, pedigree, exposure, locality, opportunities, social circle… Life has various means of stratification. Crossing from one social class to another in the quest for a partner can be very difficult to manage and maintain. Even within the ambit of the royal family in England there are still echelons. Imagine that.
I believe you’re over-reaching yourself going after this guy. Even if you get him you won’t be able to keep him. You’ll always feel small and out of place in his circle. And it’s obvious he doesn’t want you. If a guy wants you, he hardly needs prodding. Unless he’s deficient in social skills. But his intendment will be obvious. This is not the case here. This guy is very, very socially capable. You already know he goes for certain kinds of girls. And you know you won’t be accepted in his social circle. They’ll make fun of you behind your back with him in attendance.
Sometimes when we overthink emergent opportunities, we tend to see possibilities where none exist. You realised he’s single after his last breakup and you asked yourself, why not you? That’s what happened here. You saw an opportunity and a possibility. Of course by keeping yourself constantly in his field of vision you made him conscious of you. The danger however is when that’s not feasible, like when he travels and you can’t be proximate to him. The technique fails. Constantly texting him will be viewed bemusedly as harassment if he’s not interested in you. It will be a one-way communication traffic, though he may reply politely once or twice. That you make sure your text is the one he wakes up to and the last he sees before going to bed doesn’t mean he’ll date you. He can see right through your tactics. He may be amused, or annoyed at the strategic harassment.
You’re reaching beyond your means, capacities and endowment. Look at his last girlfriend. As long as she’s out there you’ll never feel safe. And you don’t match him culturally. You don’t have his background or exposure. You obviously struggle sartorially. You can, of course, get a wardrobe consultant but it’s not the same. You don’t have a natural taste in fashion. You’re not culturally exposed. He’s going to be socially embarrassed taking you out because of that deficiency in fashion sense. His social circle takes pride in such extracurricular capacities. And so you’re either going to need his constant intervention, or you’re going to embarrass him and he stomachs it; you’ll struggle at those social events. That’s not saying he can’t go ahead and date you despite your cultural deficiencies but the question is, why should he? The answer must be very compelling. You’re too conservative for him though you have a solid character. It’s not enough for HIM. This you know, unless you decide to fool yourself. Why thrust yourself into a maelstrom of emotional degradation. There’s a clash of desire and social background. You don’t belong to his class. I’m sorry to say but you need hard truth.
Some things happen only in movies. How many Pretty Woman scenarios have you come across in life? Very few I bet. That’s not saying it’s not feasible. The rules of probability makes at least one of such feasible. But the fact remains Pretty Woman is a movie. I’m saying, what you’re desiring is of the order of a miracle. It requires enormous faith. And now he’s quietly rebuffed you, in a gentlemanly manner. He’s being kind. He can’t tell you he doesn’t see you that way – not in a million years.
I’d advise you get over him. Nursing thoughts about the possibility of dating him can lead to obsession. You don’t want obsession. Not only will you have an unsolvable problem you’ll become an unsolvable problem yourself. And that’s when he’ll be forced to discuss you with someone as he ponders how to get rid of you. In no time, you’ll become news. You’ll also become a laughing stock as people wonder how you could ever have imagined dating him. People can be nasty. Truth is difficult. Some of the stuff I’m telling you no one will bother to tell you because no one will want to hurt your feelings. They may even prod you on deceitfully, their thinking being if you’re crazy enough to imagine such things, why shouldn’t they abet your madness. And the PC police will vociferously make a fuss about the truth I’ve told you. Yet reality stares you in the face. Forget this guy. Move on. Accept his rebuff. Remain friends with him IF you can. But definitely, cool things down on your end. Things are only hot from your end, not his. Stop putting yourself in such frenzied state. Stop meditating on him, cradling the feathery embrace of your pillow, imagining scenarios. If you can’t handle it, ask for a transfer from your unit. It’s an option. Don’t be like that guy we spoke about earlier – the one going after women above his station. He’s deluding himself.
Take good care of yourself.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com
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