My dear Jack, you were eager for marriage, and now you’re married you’re complaining your wife is emotionally demanding. What do you think marriage is about? Of course she has a right to be emotionally demanding. Haven’t you heard of the law of demand and supply? Welcome to classical matrimonial economics.
Marriage comes fully loaded – sex, finance, support, friendship, love, defence… But there’s also emotional demand. She’s going to demand your attention, demand your support, demand your listenership, demand your money, demand your emotions… You’re in it for life. Adjust your thinking. There’s nowhere to hide. You now live with her – you’re going to live with her forever. So you better adjust. When you were dating you parted ways after an outing. Now she goes home with you, stays in the same house with you. You’re stuck with her. That’s marriage.
So there will be all those emotional demands your wife will make on you in marriage. It’s how it is. And then there’s her logic as well. Women have a peculiar system of logic. It starts at the last incident and ignores historicity. Which means if there’s an issue and you ignore her the issue is NOW the ignominy, not the original issue! Her narrative starts at the ignominy. It ignores the original cause. Don’t worry you’ll survive. Your grandfather survived, your father survived, you’ll survive. Marriage turns you into a man.
There are all those responsibilities of a husband no one warns you about. They are soft but it all adds up emotionally. They draw you down emotionally as a man. For instance you have to help her do her zipper. Of course she’s been doing her zipper before she ever met you but now you’re married you’re a zipper! And yes, you have to notice she’s changed her hairstyle. And you have to commend it irrespective of your personal feeling about the hairstyle. If you make the mistake of complaining about the hairstyle you’re in for it. Not after she’s spent all that effort trying to look good for you! You must be kidding! You must be the first commender of her hairstyle. You’re the primary audience, even if the original purpose of the hair was to show off to her friends. Woe betide you if you don’t notice she’s changed her weave or wig; or that her weave-on is now saluting to the right rather than the left; or that the tint is lighter.
As per finance that’s quite straightforward. There’s nothing called change. Women round up to large decimals. You don’t expect her to bring back some change after supermarket run do you? What kind of man are you!
Now, concerning TV, your problem is not really Arsenal, or Man U. No problem as long as you eat when you’re served. Food comes before FC Barcelona. But be it known to you that no TV character must compete with your wife. You CANNOT commend the beauty of another woman on TV, or even wonder about it. You’ll be in trouble. That’s a no no. What do you think you’re doing? Yeah, I know it doesn’t make sense but who told you marriage is about making sense. Are you in a court of law? There’s no basis of comparison you say, because it’s an unreal competition. But you don’t get it do you? Your wife is Miss Universe and she’s the only contestant in the pageant. No other contestant is allowed. Not even on TV.
Oh, I forgot to tell you you’re also the unzipper. Means that after every outing you have to help her unzip her dress. Don’t ask me how she managed before you married. You’re zipper and unzipper. Accept your calling. You better not forget your wedding anniversary. It’s recognised by the United Nations. If you’re the forgetful type you better create an alarm system on your phone. Of course you can’t forget her birthday. If you forget you better call the Secretary General of the United Nations to beg on your behalf. Don’t you realise that’s a momentous day!
Now, to be a modern husband one of the most important skills you have to acquire is how to take a selfie. You heard me – you want to be a modern husband learn how to take selfies. Which means every Sunday before church service you have to take her picture. She has to post a picture on Instagram every Sunday. And I’m not talking about two snaps. You have to take many snaps. She will sift through and choose one out of forty shots. If you’re lucky she’ll find two to use. Expect complaints about your photographing skills.
You have to be aware of lighting, pay attention to angles when taking her picture. You have to be able to discern she wants only her face this Sunday, and for her shoes to show next Sunday. Those pictures had better not be unflattering. Meaning the pictures MUST show she has a flat stomach – even if the dress is bulging in the mid-section. Note I said the dress is bulging not her stomach. I advise you watch the photographers on America’s Next Top Model. Notice how they capture the poses of those models. No less is required of you. I will also advise you have a backup photographer in case all your shots are dismissed. The backup photographer can be your house help, your sister in law, or some random stranger in church. There’s no copyright issue.
Please note you’re not required in those pictures. It’s not couple’s photograph. It’s a SELFie! Only for her! And if you’ve not been to China you’re at a definite disadvantage when it comes to taking those selfies. You need to go to Tiananmen Square to learn how to pose at different angles to get those shots. The photographers at Tiananmen Square are incredible. There are different poses. There’s the Tiger Is Chasing Me pose. In that pose you’re like a man climbing a tree. That’s to give you a dangerous head shot angle. Then there’s Kung Fu Cobra pose. One of your legs is raised up and bent at an angle like the head of a cobra about to strike. You’ll get a balanced shot that way. Then there’s the Triple Jump pose. You stretch your leg impossibly before you so you get the right corner angle of an imaginary plane as you take her photograph. To aid you in your poses as you take her picture on Sundays or before any outing, you may even climb the pillars in your sitting room. And to get some surreal How Did You Do That pose you have to imagine yourself Spider Man and crawling on the ceiling. If you can’t strike these impossible poses as you take her picture you’re not yet ready to be a modern husband. You’re analogue.
And there’s more. If you want to be a modern husband you have to be a video producer as well. You not only take her pictures you RECORD her as well. You have to record her dancing to some music you can’t even hear. It’s in her head. And you have to learn all the tricks used in music videos. You combine with Kung Fu movie editing styles. You have to learn slow motion effect in particular, know when to hit the slow motion button. And woe betide you if she posts the video and you don’t favourite it on Instagram. There goes your lunch on Sunday.
If you can learn these skills you stand a very good chance of a very happy marriage. How can a modern marriage be happy without selfies? You will need to buy her selfie equipment too. Depends on how sophisticated she wants to be. That can include but is not limited to selfie stick. Don’t forget wardrobe allowance. She can’t wear the same clothes for different photographs on Instagram can she?
And so I seriously commiserate with you on becoming a husband. But to be honest what is marriage without these friendly troubles and highlights? What fond memories are you going to chew on in your old age? It’s all these “troubles” that make you love her. And those selfie troubles teach you perseverance. And you get to know her better. You can’t fully know her until you reckon with her vanity.
Oh, one more thing. Put as many mirrors in the house as possible. She has to admire herself, examine her hair, her eyebrows, as she goes through different sections of the house, including corridors.
And just a piece of advice. Eyebrow is key. It’s what holds the look together. You have to commend those eye brows, talk like an expert about brows. Tell her it’s the key to her look. You will also need to get used to makeup artistes. Every function these days requires a makeup artist. And don’t you dare complain about the length of those lashes, even if they’re large enough to make the eyes fly like a bird. Who are you to complain? Your job is to commend.
You also have to learn the latest trends in fashion if you want to be a modern husband. You don’t hear too much about “colour blocking” these days. It’s been blocked.
Oh, you have to be accommodative of her sisters too. It’s their house as much as yours. Just find a place to retire to until their session is over. Love accommodates sisters-in-law.
If you do all these things I’m sure you’ll have a happy marriage.
Welcome to modern marriage!
Your mentor, LA
Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com
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