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She Doesn’t Fancy Me

Dear Jil, can you deliver this letter to Jack?

My dear Jack, there are a thousand and four reasons a woman may not fancy a guy. Those reasons are as varied as every lady you’ve ever approached. People have individual preferences and desires when it comes to dating. Backgrounds differ, cultural exposure differ, acquired tastes differ, and experiences differ. The reason a lady doesn’t fancy you can be as simple as she’s just not attracted to you. That’s just what it is. It can’t be engineered. Without that attraction any relationship that results is basically utilitarian. You’ll either be serving a purpose or being used. You might just be a PR plug. The commonest utilitarian dimension is about means. You’re exposed to being used if you have money. We can also rule out one factor in your case. Prospects. You have a profession and a good job. Ladies are understandably wary about a guy without prospects. Perhaps the most appropriate term for this is natural selection.
 
For some ladies however it may be about the physical. You may just not have the right height they desire in a guy. Some women want a tall guy and they’re not willing to negotiate that away under normal circumstances. Note I said “under normal circumstances.” And some have fetishes about fashion items like shoes. There are those who find guys in nice shoes very attractive. It’s not exactly a scientific method of determining a good matrimonial candidate but it’s what it is. Surely nobody believes a guy will be a good husband because he has nice shoes! Unless of course that is read to mean that the ability to splurge on nice shoes is indicative of socials capacity. But even then it will be most presumptuous to imagine the ability to socialise is a wonderful metric of husbandry capacity.
 
Most women are turned off by poor oral hygiene. Puts off the idea of kissing you. I’m not saying that’s the reason ladies don’t fancy YOU, but at least check to make sure you’re okay in that department. If you have an oral hygiene problem just see your dentist or doctor. And there are things peppermint can solve.
 
Some women want a guy with social capital. They want someone with social status. If you approach one of such women at this stage of your life you’re likely to get a no. You don’t yet have social capital. And sometimes we approach women out of our league. There are social leagues in life, just like in football. There’s Premier League, Division 1, Division 2, even Division 3. If a lady is Premier League and you’re Division 3, better not approach. You don’t have the wherewithal. You need money to approach those kinds of ladies. And it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re the exploitative type. They’re just high class. Your poor savings won’t survive. You need to be able to finance summer vacation in that division. The children must also go to certain types of school, preferably abroad. It’s a foregone conclusion you must have destination wedding. It’s unimaginable a struggling young man will approach that class of women. If he does he’s either on a long thing or has the faith of Prophet Elijah. And for some women the lack of interest can boil down to dressing. They’re just not attracted to poor dressers. Some men are like that too.
 
But let’s look at the compiled list of what draws women to a guy. Most times it’s a combination of factors though there’ll be a header factor. For some women it’s personality. Personality draws people. It’s like an aura. The man may not be fine but he has a magnetic quality. Then there’s almighty finance. The stronger you are in this department the greater your chances. Some women just don’t want to suffer with a guy. They prefer ready-made guys. For quite a number of women it’s about a sense of responsibility. The man must be responsible, have a sense of family. Some women want a fun guy. They don’t want boredom. If you’re no fun guy you can’t stand a chance with such women. If you’re dour they won’t go on another date with you, especially if you struggle with conversation. There must just be a flow. That’s natural connection.
 
Some women want a selfless guy. Not necessarily a Father Christmas but a guy who’s giving of himself, his time and affection; a caring guy. It’s not always about gifts though gifts matter. They want someone who’ll make them feel special, who’s on the lookout for them. And some insist on a man who understands zipper and unzipper role, what it’s all about. We’ve spoken about this before. They want a guy who can express affection by helping to zip and unzip a dress. You’ll be shocked how big the zipper and unzipper role is. It’s some sort of complex. It signifies something. Means you have “know how” on some level. Can also mean you’re love matured, that you understand love language. Also means you have emotional capacity and can be troubled and bothered about love trivia.
 
Some women want a discerning guy. What that means is you understand Womanese, the language of women. That’s life’s most difficult language to master. It’s dual band. Womanese has spoken and unspoken forms. In unspoken form Womanese is a series of faint cues. You have to catch it. Sometimes it’s spoken as word opposite. When she tells you I don’t want to be bothered she may mean the exact opposite. She actually wants you to bother her. The only way to understand that is to imagine someone who’s ill being begged to eat up but he keeps saying no. That no is not exactly a no. That no just means I need to eat but I really don’t want to eat, but I like the attention even if it seems irritating. It’s not a capital no. But you must also know when your woman means capital no, don’t come near. Especially when she’s in a mood. The mood will clear up at some point and she’ll behave as if nothing ever happened. And she may send out non-verbal pulses you should not move near her. You must be able to interpret those pulses. A lot depends on your emotional quotient.
 
Some women have literal architecture. They’re very matter-of-factly. You don’t use complex linguistic formats with them. They’ll take you literally. But some women have complex architecture. If they tell they want orange they most likely mean mango. You’re supposed to understand word-opposite and synonym syntax.
 
Sexual knowledge also matters to some women. They want a man who’s sexually literate, one who knows what to do, you know… They don’t want a man they need to teach. They won’t be attracted to naiveté. And some women want a very spiritual fellow, a guy who can pray thunder and fire down from heaven. He must be spiritually strong and discerning.
 
Some women want a younger fellow, just as some prefer a much older fellow. The common descriptor for this is “father complex.” They’re just not into “small boys.” It has to do with self-concept. And for some it’s about maturity. They’re so mature they can’t relate to inexperienced mates. They can only relate to much older people. And some people are old souls. It’s the maturity and absorbent capacity of a much older man such women want. It’s what they can respect. The much older person must have means. And it’s not necessarily about going after money. Some women just prefer much older men. In the same way some men like much younger women. Think back to when you were in university. Some girls had older boyfriends from out of town. Remember those Mercedes and BMW cars parked at the female hostel? There are men who just prefer younger women just as there are women who just prefer older men, just as there are guys who go for older women, just as there are women who go for younger men.
 
Life matures all of us at different rates. The woman who’s used to responsibility from an early age will of course mature faster. Some women have been taking care of their siblings since preteen. Chances are such women will go for much older men. They matured earlier than their mates. Which of course knocks you out. Such a lady will see you as “inexperienced.” Just means you’ve not demonstrated capacity for continuous responsibility. She’ll see you as one of her younger ones.
 
Like I told you chances are these tastes are a combination of factors, but one factor will stand above all others. Call that the critical factor. There are factors she’ll be willing to trade. If she likes a tall dark guy who’s very responsible, mature and caring, she may trade the tallness for responsibility and maturity. It’s up to her what she wants to trade. You might have heard a woman say, “I’m beautiful enough for both of us.” Means she’s ready to trade “tall and handsome” for maturity, good prospects and responsibility. She’s saying her genes are strong enough to pass on to the kids. “Tall and handsome” matter less when salient issues are up for consideration. There’s a difference between crush material and husband material. Women want exclusive, proprietary and custom fitted affection.
 
Locate yourself in this letter is what I’m saying essentially. Attraction is not a complicated science. Solomon said kindness makes a man attractive.
 
That’s something to think about.
 
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com.

 

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Tags : what women want, Attraction

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