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Read Letter

Just One Text…

My dear Jil, I think the seeming complications in this relationship are being driven by your insecurities. It seems the things you’re worried about are nothing to this man. He doesn’t care. For instance you’re worried about whether you’re fine enough for him. (He had a beautiful girlfriend). But he wants you. Which means you’re beautiful enough for him. You’re also allowing his profile and achievements intimidate you. That’s a bit understandable. And yet he wants you. You really don’t know why he wants you do you? He doesn’t want you because of your beauty, he wants you because there’s “something” about you that resonates inside him. There’s something. You said it yourself: you just click! You just seem to get along. You can talk freely with him, you’re free with him, you can be yourself… And you feel safe around him. When you met the chemistry was instant.

He doesn’t care about all those things you’re worrying about. He wants you, as in “you” – the smart intelligent woman with an acute sense of responsibility who’s honest with her feelings and doesn’t hold back affection. That’s the lady he fell in love with, not this you who’s worried about looks, worried about whether you can measure up, wondering about his motivations, etc. From what I read in your mail this guy is a straight shooter. What you see is what you get. The problem is, you can’t reconcile yourself to what you see. You don’t believe what’s in front of you. It seems too good to be true. Unfortunately there’s really nothing this guy can do to convince you otherwise. It’s largely in your court. If he begins to do things to answer the unspoken interrogation he reinforces a falsity. Truth is, despite your insecurities he considers you so beautiful and attractive. He wants what he saw the day you met. The problem is in your head.

Here’s what you don’t realise: in the context of a relationship, attraction is first and foremost about disposition – being amiable, being interested, liking someone, being open… Disposition is the first level of attraction. It’s why some people are very attractive though not beauty queens. Also partly explains why some women are ogled and yet have no relationship. He loved the fact you can have honest and sincere communication, like when you told him you missed him. Not all ladies will admit they miss a guy. Some ladies will withhold that comment, use it for negotiation. They want to be wanted but insincerity is a poor technology for wanting to be wanted. Honesty and sincerity are far more effective. You weren’t like that. You were honest. He treasured that honesty, that sincerity. It’s what makes you attractive to him. He’s not looking for a plastic doll, he’s looking for authenticity. And so when you began to withhold such expressions, even when he volunteered his and poured his heart out to you, he began to wonder about this new girl. She wasn’t the girl he met. And I don’t blame him for slowing down. The relationship became one-way. It was him questing for you and you not giving anything back emotionally. If that state persists you WILL lose him. Why? Because you’re editing the fundamentals of your relationship. You’re editing out what made him like you, what brought you together.

Obviously your visual is secondary for him. It’s the tone in your text, the sincere expression, that chemistry, that desire, that care… Those were the things he loved. But I perceive you’re holding back because of your past experiences. If you don’t move past those experiences you’re not going to access the potential joy in this relationship. Think about it. This guy was not in your past. He met you in the present. Why judge him by the facts of your past? He wasn’t your boyfriend. You’re calibrating what the relationship will be like in three months, just because your last relationship had an inflection point at Month 3. So you’re holding back to see whether he will still want you after three months, instead of concentrating on building your new relationship. In effect you’re programming failure into the relationship. All that holding back is bound to affect the relationship. Then your wrong hypothesis becomes confirmed. You have a self-fulfilling prophecy loading.

Every relationship is unique. Don’t judge people by generic labelling… Men are like this… You don’t have enough data to draw that conclusion. You’re limited in life and experience. Men do it too. They judge women using templates. As if all women are the same. They use one experience to define all women. And you seem shocked by his generosity. You’re actually embarrassed. But that seems to be him. There are people who are just generous. And they’re not calculating. He didn’t buy you those valentine presents because he’s looking for anything. He bought you the presents as honest expression of his feelings for you. Accept the simple fact. He doesn’t need those gifts to have you. You’re already in love with him. He knows you have deep feelings for him. And now you’re fighting those feelings and trying to structure the relationship along a contrived program in your head. Only you’re creating a mess. You’re also being prideful. It’s why you stubbornly refuse to text him. Not that he couldn’t have texted you one more time but you’ve driven him to the point in which he’s emotionally drained chasing you.

What would it cost you to just send him a text that says, Hi! You’ll break the impasse you created. Why punish yourself emotionally. You’re missing him. You lie in your bed at night thinking of him. He’s a persistent memory. And please don’t tell me you don’t miss him. You do. Sometimes we allow our pride to take decisions for us. Almost invariably we lose out because pride is a terrible negotiator of affection. Where he is, he’s wondering if you really want the relationship. He can’t keep reaching out incessantly. It’s like trying to force the relationship. A simple text to him saying you miss him will wipe out all the weeks of agony. Stop worrying about what his answer will be. Just text him.

Obviously there are issues to be discussed, assurances to be given; but you don’t advance a relationship by not discussing. Communication matters in creating a relationship. You shouldn’t be a coward. The earlier you sit down with him to discuss your fears and misgivings the better. There ought to be communication. You forget you were first friends before you considered dating. It was the intensity of the friendship that gave rise to the idea of dating. You don’t want to lose a genuine friend. In life you don’t lose good friends. As you’ll soon discover about life you’re going to have many acquaintances but friends will be rare. When you have one you keep him or her. I can assure you he’s also missing you. He wrote me and told me he’s at that point in life in which he needs you.

Note however that nature abhors a vacuum. The longer you’re absent from his life the higher the chances of another woman stepping in. And she’s not going to let go. The guy is a pearl. So get rid of the pride. Confront your insecurities. At least let him know what you’re worried about, why you’re afraid of total commitment. It’s his duty to give you assurances to abate those insecurities. That’s what a man does. But on your part you can’t allow those insecurities to colourate the relationship, after all they’re unreal with regard to him. He’s the exact opposite of the things you’re worried about. There’s also the fact you lack a chatting companion. You can’t text him back and forth like you used to. You used to chat late into the night. Note how happy you were.

In the mail he sent he explained the real issue for him. He cannot afford the emotional wringer you’re putting him through. It’s either you want the relationship or you don’t. It’s not as if he’s not met one or two people since you last spoke. He’s just holding back because he wants you. Don’t push him away from wanting you. You don’t want to meet him later in life and be saying to yourself that should have been my husband. That’s a tragedy. You want to look back ten years from now and thank God you married him. He’s your soul mate. Not many get to marry their soul mate. Not many get to marry that person they just click with. As per the gifts he sent you, you know what to do. You love the gifts. Wear one and send him a picture. That’s generous. Such gestures foster relationship.

And you have to think of reciprocity. It need not be something expensive. The gesture is what matters. He likes reading. A book? Something along the line of, I was browsing and just saw this title and I thought of you. He’ll cherish that book. Or how about an interesting t-shirt. Or whatever. Cuff links? The key is to demonstrate reciprocity. That’s how a relationship gets enriched. Reciprocity of affection, reciprocity of expression, reciprocity of giving, reciprocity of care… These are salient stuff. And so I’m asking you again: Do you want the relationship? Or do you prefer to fellowship with your fears and your past experiences? Choose.

Remember, the first basis of attractiveness is a friendly disposition. Solomon said, He that hath friends must show himself friendly. Meaning your disposition determines if you’ll have a relationship. Don’t lose this guy, ok. You’ll regret it. It’s unnecessary. Doesn’t mean life won’t replace but you don’t want to look back wondering what might have been. One WhatsApp text. That all it takes. Text him “Hi!” and watch things develop from there.

Sort this out and we can discuss the other issues you raised. Let me know what happens.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

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Tags : Appreciation, Gifts, Insecurities

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