My dear young man, I kind of understand your confusion, if not disappointment. I mean, you went out of your way to buy the young lady a valentine’s gift… It’s something you thought through, just to make sure it’s the right gift for her. You went to that store, picked it yourself. And then nothing! Not a text, not a call to say thank you. You got that distinct feeling your effort was not appreciated; that the gift was not appreciated… Your gift ought to be appreciated, after all you bought it with your hard-earned money. The least she could do is call to say thank you, or send a thank you text that shows she appreciates the gift. Even outside the purview of relationship that’s courteous. When you’re given a gift you should at least say thank you. The whole thing kind of dashes your expectations, as well as projections. And it wasn’t a cheap present you bought. Makes you wonder. And makes her a wonderment.
How do you know, or how would you know a lady appreciates your gift? You want to know. Well, for one if she appreciates the gift she’ll call or text to say thank you. That’s the minimum standard. And it’s courteous. However, if she TRULY appreciates the gift chances are she’ll gush about it to her friends, and to you! If it’s a fashion item she’ll likely wear it to come and see you, or to go on a date with you. That’s not uncommon. If she’s in a hurry to show appreciation and seeing you will take some time she may wear it, take a selfie and send it to you; just to show she loves what you bought for her. That’s often a sign of honest relationship – the free and honest expression of appreciation. If what you bought is very tasteful and expensive, and there’s little or no appreciation then you may be confronted with a scenario worth sitting down to properly examine: Are you dealing with an unappreciative person who won’t count your effort for much, even if you pluck out your eyeballs for her? Are you dealing with a negotiator of affection who wants to be in control of the relationship? She depreciates the gift and your effort in order to have leverage over you. Are you dealing with an affection accountant? She keeps an affection ledger with credit and debit columns. But the book never balances. Her credit will always be disproportionate to her debit, hugely disproportionate. She will always give less than she receives and demands. And it’s a deliberate ploy. She’ll always have the advantage. In other words she’s being manipulative.
And you just may be dealing with a despiser. She’ll despise you and despise your gift. Nothing you do will impress her. For all you know she’s just tossed your gift aside somewhere. Happens. You may also be dealing with a pluralist. There may be another man toasting her who gave something more precious and so yours won’t register. It’s not considered up to par relative to competition. She’s a juggler. Another possibility is that the lady is angry over something between you. And until the issue is resolved nothing you do will impress her. Not a good attribute. The gift should placate. And you may be dealing with a porcine entity. Remember the old saying, never cast a pearl before swine? You’ll be trampled emotionally.
Whoever you buy a gift for should be someone who’ll appreciate the time, money and effort put in, especially a gift with a view. It’s discouraging when gifts are not appreciated. But it’s also important to buy the right gift, though that’s no excuse for someone not appreciating your effort. Effort should always be appreciated. It’s wise to consult a knowledgeable person on the technical aspect if you’re not culturally gifted so you don’t end up buying the wrong fashion item as gift. You can buy the wrong stuff in all earnestness. A lot has to do with personality and there are varied personalities. What you buy for a tomboy is not what you buy for someone with softened disposition. In choosing a fashion item you have to be mindful of colours. A tomboy will not appreciate feminine colours. She can’t wear them. Too soft. Doesn’t fit personality. She’ll feel pretentious. She’s more likely disposed towards pants rather than skirts, shirts rather than blouses. Think avant garde t-shirts and basics. Now, if she loves you just the very fact you bought her a gift will be deeply appreciated. Inform her ahead of time and she’ll love the gift already, even without knowing what it is. You want that, not someone who won’t appreciate your effort. These things are often emblematic and you shouldn’t ignore disposition during courtship. It’s going to show up sometime somewhere down the line in marriage, and with a vengeance. Remember that thing I told you about God giving us fair warning before we plunge into a potentially ruinous union? Whether she appreciates your efforts is one of those things to watch out for. You don’t want to marry a despiser.
But here’s the thing- sometimes we’re more drawn to beauty than character. It’s a fault in man. We’re visual. Messes up our head. It suppresses the realities of deficiencies, creates an alternate world. But you’ll get used to the beauty. It will count less and less as the years go by. Not that it has no social value, it does. But character counts more. You want to date someone who truly wants you, loves you and appreciates you. Someone you’re happy with, who’ll give you peace. As a man you can’t negotiate away peace. Peace in marriage goes beyond what we ordinarily regard as peace. The ambit is wider. If you’re constantly accused you won’t have peace in a relationship for example, even if there’s never a fight. You also want a non-temperamental partner. It’s hard to deal with temperament as a man. It will disturb your inner peace. For men peace also entails absence of moodiness. The moodier your girlfriend the less peace you have. A dark ominous cloud will hang over the relationship.
Constant moodiness may signify depression. And the issue may go all the way back to childhood. You can’t solve that kind of problem. Foolish young men imagine they can take on such responsibility, until it breaks them. Depression is best dealt with by a mental health professional. You’ll likely end up depressed taking on depression in a relationship. You soon realise you’re not superhuman. A moody person will kill the atmosphere in a home. For a man that’s lack of peace. You want lightness, gaiety and happiness in your home. Unforgiveness also erodes peace in a home. That capacity for grudge should be feared. Some people can hold a grudge for days, months, even years. But unforgiveness is self-destructive. It’s dark energy. Human fallibility necessitates the principle of forgiveness. Or homes will be mini theatres of war. There’s pride in unforgiveness. Unforgiveness assumes you’re standard and judge, and may be deity. The unforgiving never use a mirror. The doctrine of one strike is even worse. One strike and we’re done, some say. Just one mistake and the relationship is over? Really?! Does this doctrine have reciprocal application or is it just one-way? Obviously the proponents of this doctrine never make mistakes. That’s not saying we should hurt our partners. We need to avoid hurting each other. But sometimes in life there are genuine mistakes, and sometimes stupid mistakes. We’re all human.
But then the other question arises: What is SHE giving you in return for your gift? It’s a legitimate question. A relationship in which expectations are one-way is a sad and poor relationship. The quality of gift also matters. If you go out of your way to buy her a designer item and she picks Ojuelegba Bend Down for you, you have a problem. And you’ll be foolish to explain it away. The fact is, she didn’t make any serious effort to get you something nice. Your chivalry may choose to overlook this but you’re incubating pain. It may just be that warning sign from God. If you love someone you don’t buy them cheap stuff. You strive to buy something beautiful, something nice, qualitative. That’s what love is about. You value the person. Stinginess is a condition of heart. Sclerotic arteries. Stinginess is negative metric of affection. Love by nature is giving and generous. You can’t love without giving. It’s not just the thought that counts, the quality of gift counts too. How do you appreciate thought? You can’t hold it! I’m just saying her lack of appreciation of your gift may be a warning sign to you. It may indicate you should look elsewhere.
A good relationship is easy. It’s not manipulated, it’s not contrived, it’s just easy. It’s giving – materially and emotionally. You just like the person’s spirit. There’s “something” about the person, something nice and easy. In a good relationship there’ll be honesty of heart, sincerity of affection, disposition of fondness. Affection is not pulled out of a good relationship like a dentist extracting rotten tooth from the back of the skull. Affection should be easy, self-volunteering, and generous. You’re a great guy. I’ve told you this before and I’m going to repeat it: the lady who gets you is lucky. You’re just a great guy! You’re easy, intelligent, very responsible, caring, funny, domesticated, and you’ve got pedigree. What you need is a female counterpart with equally wonderful qualities. You will suffer otherwise. At first you’ll cope but as the years go by it will tell on your spirit and break you down. Don’t walk into a trap. Your personal goodness is not enough to sustain a bad marriage. You need reciprocal affection. Your soul needs nourishment. The soul feeds on love and care.
I just felt I should share this with you, don’t really know why. I hope you find it a wonderful guide to life.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com
Stinginess is a condition of heart. Sclerotic arteries. Stinginess is negative metric of affection. Love by nature is giving and generous. You can’t love without giving. Click To Tweet A good relationship is easy. It’s not manipulated, it’s not contrived, it’s just easy. It’s giving - materially and emotionally. Click To Tweet A relationship in which expectations are one-way is a sad and poor relationship. Click To Tweet