Tag Archives: Communication

My dear Jack, at some point you’ll have to ask yourself what your wife really wants. Note that it’s not a generic thing common to all women. It’s something peculiar to her, something particularly her. When you know what that thing is – and chances are she’ll have told you in one of your conversations, then you have to look at the implications, understand the implications. If your wife for example tells you she “just wants to be happy,” commonsense dictates that’s not giddiness she’s talking about. It’s something deep, probably goes to her childhood. One implication is that she can’t handle strife at home. Some people are good at malice. They keep malice for months, and even years. Not her. For her, quarrels have to be resolved speedily. The more quarrels drag on the unhappier she becomes. It can break her down. She just can’t handle strife. Such a person can’t be vindictive of course. Vindictive people are retaliatory. They will do things to injure, hurt or spite their partner. Not her. Find out what your wife really wants, know the implications, respond to it. If you do every other thing and don’t fulfil that desire all your effort will count for nothing.

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My dear Jack, you don’t want to be deaf and blind in marriage. That’s a terrible state. If you’re blind in marriage you won’t see what’s happening around you. You won’t see pain, you won’t see frowns, you won’t see laughter, and you won’t see anger. And if you’re deaf in marriage you won’t listen to advice, neither will you listen to yearnings. In other words, if you’re deaf and blind in your marriage you lose visual and tonal sensitivity. Continue reading →

My dear Jack, the simple truth is, both of you are generating different realities from the same set of facts. And that’s because each of you is processing the facts through his or her desire. She wants a much earlier wedding, you want a latter wedding. That simple fact is at the root of the issues in this relationship. It’s what is affecting the relationship, it’s what is determining and driving the interpretation of facts.
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My dear Jack, you have to be careful about escalation. Escalation is always potent in marriage. The thing about escalation is, what started out as something trite that can be swiped like a fly might end up growing into a movie monster. And it starts with hardening of positions, often preceded by silences and disregard. Instead of discussing the issue both of you withdrew into silence, each not talking to the other. Be fearful of escalation of small quarrels in your marriage my friend. Be fearful of escalation.
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Dear Jack, you’ve got to loosen up. Loosen up. There ought to be fun in marriage. You can’t be all that serious in marriage. Yes, marriage is serious stuff but there should be fun and play. You’re going to spend the rest of your life with this person. Make the history being created fun! That kind of relationship should accommodate a range of emotions and experiences that are joyful. Life is hard enough, times are tough enough. You’ve got to find moments of laughter and happiness with your partner. Both you and your wife ought to have your rituals of joy. It begins by not taking yourself too seriously, letting your guard down, being willing to be made fun of. Continue reading →

My dear Jil, couples owe themselves a duty of care. A relationship is customized and privatized affection. By care, I mean the actual caring for one another. But it’s not limited to that. It also involves the notion of caring and WANTING to care. The wanting to care is what we call affection. Yes, we take those oaths during wedding ceremonies – For better for worse, in sickness and in health… So there’s a context of care when your partner falls ill, or when things take a wrong turn. But care is beyond illnesses. If we limit it to just illness it means the man who never falls ill will never receive care. Continue reading →

My dear Jack, there was a gentleman named Julius Moses. And he had a son. He named him Junior. His father had named him Julius because he was besotted with stories of the military conquests of Julius Caesar. Indeed he was named Julius long before he was conceived! He kept up the family tradition and taught his son, Junior about Julius Caesar.

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Dear Jil, the reason you’re having these challenges is because you were used to staying alone. You married late.

You’re used to taking decisions without consultation. You’ll need to make adjustments. Don’t forget you had almost resigned yourself to spinsterhood when this man came along. Why stay out for so long only to wreck the marriage when the opportunity came along! It’s worth saving your marriage. And why shouldn’t it work! You have age on your side. With age comes appreciation of the graciousness of life. With age also comes maturity, and a considerate approach to marriage.

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Dear Jil, I’m sure you’ve heard the classic story of the couple who got divorced because of toothpaste administration. The man presses the toothpaste tube in the middle, the wife from the base.

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Dear Jil,

In the last few weeks I have been examining my heart, analysing my sharings with you. My cogitation moves me to write you about deeper issues. You must grapple the serious dimensions of marriage for example. If you want your husband to appreciate you more, this judgment you must cultivate. It’s good for any relationship.

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