Come on Jack, there’s something called anticipatory affection and there’s also responsorial affection. If she sends you a kisses emoticon that’s anticipatory affection. She’s anticipating a like-minded response. If you send back a similar emoticon that’s responsorial affection. These things have nuances.
For example if you send double or more number of kisses it says something. But if she sends you a love emoticon and there’s no response from you, it also says something. If you respond with another subject like you never saw her love emoticon… Says something too. There are all these nuances in relationship, different love expressions. These nuances express not just present emotions but interests and direction. She’ll know if you want her from that response. Even if you don’t feel 100% a certain way about her, be kind. Don’t be harsh. Respond in kind. There’s emoticon etiquette after all. Who’d have thought! That etiquette defines engagements and expectations. Love is about expressions, engagements and natural expectations. And emoticons help you express in symbols what would require a lot of emotion to pass across.
If she’s at a party and she sends you a picture of herself from that party she’s expecting a complimentary response. Be kind. At least tell her she looks beautiful or the dress is nice or make-up is nice. If you don’t, you’re going to hurt her. It’s like you don’t appreciate her beauty and that hurts a woman. Men are not very adept at emotional intelligence. Women are far better at it. And if you’re contemplating marriage you must know in advance she’s going to draw on your emotions. When she wants to discuss don’t tell her you’re tired. That is off-putting and sometimes crushing. It may be something very important to her, and when you cut her off with even a genuine excuse it will hurt. The problem is that once that moment passes it’s hard to bring it back. So you have to generate emotional capacity to listen to her talk, especially if she wants to bare her mind. And sometimes she just wants a second opinion on what to do, not that she has no idea. If she asks for your advice it means she rates you mature and intelligent. And that you’ll give honest advice. If you’re not ready for all these you’ll struggle in marriage. Successful marriages take effort.
In marriage you have to build your emotional capacity as a man, learn to be patient, learn her pattern of talking. The structure of a woman’s narrative is generally different from a man’s. Men do summaries, women start with intro. If you’re not emotionally intelligent you’ll lose her, even in marriage. Intimacy will be affected. And so when you ask for sex it will seem so emotionless and uncaring. It’s that lack of emotional intelligence. We all need to improve ourselves in marriage. No one is an expert. We learn, we adapt. It’s how marriage succeeds. Understanding is key in marriage and understanding entails study, love and acceptance. If you keep shutting her up or out through excuses and gestures, emotions will dry up between both of you. Your marriage will become harsh and formal, almost like a meeting where minutes are read. You don’t want that. She knows you love her but she wants you to say it every day. She needs it. It’s affirming security.
If you can’t text her at least send her love emoticons. Do it at unexpected moments. And there are several other ways in which you can give pleasant surprises. Why don’t you just send, say muffins to her office for example. It’s news worthy and it will be duly noted. She’ll walk tall when everybody knows who sent the muffins. You’ve sent a message to the entire office and to her. Muffin is a variable of course. Can be anything. In other words, expression of affection need not be expensive. Master the nuance expressions of your wife. There are silent languages. Tell her you love her. But be mindful of her personality as well. Too much I love you can come across as weak to some women.
Touch also matters. Hold her regularly. You can’t afford and shouldn’t have an emotionally dry marriage. Expressions come in different forms. Express your love to her. Of course she also has duties. She must reciprocate and surprise as well. She should initiate stuff. She also has a duty to send you those same emoticons of love she desires and when she sends, you should respond. Emoticon begets emoticon. That’s the law of emoticon. (Okay I made that up! But you get the gist). Though expectant, marriage is a giving proposition. Giving is very important in marriage. You can send her lunch – say chicken from a fast food outlet. It won’t cost an arm and a leg except the chicken’s. When she initiates, respond; and when you initiate she should respond. A giving marriage is such a wonderful thing. Love is giving. A giving marriage is one in which both sides are constantly giving to each other, caring for one another. But when there’s no response to those emoticons she sends, you kill certain expressions. You’re in effect telling her you’re not the type or you don’t have time for her. Not having time for her will leave her emotionally despondent. She can’t process it. She’s in the middle of a desert. Both of you strive to love each other and to express your love for each other.
As per that friend of yours tell him to stop sending “Hi babe!” messages to women he doesn’t know on Facebook. And some of the girls he’s sending these messages he can’t even afford. His bio and profile pix are very telling. In fact he should change that picture. For a guy desirous of toasting certain class of women he looks hungry! Someone will just munch the page and pass it round. Then he looks like a fool, becomes the butt of jokes. He’s living in a fantasy world and he’d better come back to reality.
The other stuff you asked about I’ll address when I’m settled from my travel.
Your mentor, LAIn marriage you have to build your emotional capacity as a man, learn to be patient, learn her pattern of talking. Click To Tweet