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Choosing a partner

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My dear Jack, let me give you a simple guidance system for your marriage. I know there are so many rules on how to love a woman, so much so the rules rival the Book of Deuteronomy. But love is supposed to be quite natural. Continue reading

My dear Jack, but you’re not going to marry her mother or sister! You’re going to marry her, not her family. If she’s critically deficient in character the goodness of her family can’t save the marriage. Neither her mum nor sister is going to live with you. 

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Dear Jack, do you know what homunculus means? It means little man. When you’re petty and you nag no end, you’re designating yourself homunculus – a little man. (As is the man who inflicts violence on a woman. He’s also homunculus – little man). Continue reading

My dear Jil, I get worried when I get mails like yours. Come on, think! By your own admission this guy is temperamental and you doubt he loves you – you feel he’s using you as placeholder. Continue reading

My dear Jil, take it that you have just one decision to make, not a flurry of decisions. And it’s important you rightly frame the question. Sometimes, we make a mistake in framing the marriage question.

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My dear Jil, let me tell you about signs and wonders. I’ll tell you a story. There was this nice and wonderful gentleman who met a lady some years back. Continue reading

My dear Jack, there is something called fevered imagination which afflicts young men. When we have a desire for a woman our imagination can be so fevered we begin to romanticize what does not exist. Your imagination will produce another version of the lady for you. It will be a warm imagery powered by desire. You will begin to see what is not in the real life person, get pleasure from the phantom your imagination creates. If you juxtapose the real life person with the fevered imagery, the real life imagery will feel cold. Can jolt to reality. The fevered edition of the woman produced by your imagination is desirable because you’re projecting your desires. In other words, you’re falling in love with the woman you created in your imagination, not the real life person.

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Dear Jil, sometimes the people we’re considering for relationship or marriage are inadequate for us. It can be financial inadequacy, or mental inadequacy, or spiritual inadequacy, or cultural inadequacy…or motivational inadequacy, or emotional inadequacy, or expression inadequacy…The inadequacy is why we’re not satisfied, why all the person does can never be enough. The challenge many times is there’s nothing the inadequate person can do. He’s given to the limit of not just his ability, but also his capability. What inadequacy says in effect is that people may actually not be ABLE to change. Continue reading

My dear Jil, let me tell you a very sad story. I want us to draw a lesson or two. There was this genial old man everyone loved. He was kind, compassionate, generous. He prayed for everyone, related with everyone, reached out to everyone, in love. He was a wonderful father and a wonderful father-in-law to the husbands of his daughters. Old men as you know fall sick every once in a while. That said he minded his health. He was a doctor’s dream. Continue reading

My dear Jack, you must avoid the trap of messianic heroism. What is messianic heroism? Let me try and explain. When a marriage shouldn’t be, my observation is that God makes the facts known to you before you commit. And this is irrespective of the status of your relationship with him. Continue reading

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