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Choosing a partner

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Dear Jil, surely you can see these plans are asinine. I mean, how does it make it sense?! You’re dating a guy who lives abroad and hardly comes to town – may be once a year. So you don’t see him much. You face the typical challenge of long distance relationship. However much you do Facetime it’s never like being together. But instead of talking marriage, this man is talking about making you a baby mama. Why would you want to be baby mama instead of wife? And according to him you’ll have to stay here for two years after you’ve had the baby. You can’t travel to stay with him immediately. This allegedly is to ensure you don’t do menial job when you travel to meet him in UK! I’m lost and confused over this logic. So you stay two years apart so you don’t do menial job in the UK. Don’t get it, what’s the link?
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My dear Jack, didn’t you know what she looked like without make-up before marriage? If after marriage you’re complaining about what she looks like without make-up, I then wonder about the quality of your courtship. Some women look pretty with or without make-up. Your woman in your estimation does not have that grace is what you’re saying. But that begs the question about the quality of relationship you had and how real you were to each other during courtship. It means you never saw her in unguarded moments. Means you never saw her without that mask. How do you court for a year and all you saw were only made-up versions of your girlfriend? What’s the quality of that courtship? Surely you must have known she went to bed without make-up. So it’s reasonable to assume she has an image sans make-up. And it’s also reasonable to assume she won’t always have make-up on after marriage.
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My dear Jil, there comes a point we must stop digging ourselves in, in a relationship that’s no relationship. If you keep investing emotionally and materially in a relationship knowing your love is not requited, you’re digging a hole. There’s that point in this kind of relationship when we need to cut our losses. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. We’re talking years of life investment. But we can’t keep digging ourselves in, fooling ourselves we’re collecting clay to make bricks to build a relationship. The deeper the hole we dig, the more we’re caked in mud, and the more we disappear from view.
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Dear Jack, she isn’t the prettiest of girls but she’s kind. Something about her drew him to her. She is not in his social class either. Very few would be. His father is rich. Very rich. She recognized early on he could date other women – very beautiful women, and yet it was her he chose. He trusts her implicitly. She’s selfless. It was that selflessness that created the trust. Selflessness creates trust. There are no airs about her. She’s as basic as a piece of pancake. No, not American pancake with all its embellishments and retinue of excesses. She’s just a basic person, a good soul. She couldn’t even dress well. Her sartorial taste was terrible and passable in equal measure. She is a friend, a girlfriend and mother all rolled into one. It was to her he turned at the critical juncture of his life. He trusted her with his data and emotions. Not that she totally understands him. But she loves him and cares for him.
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My dear Jil, from what I can see, I think the problem is your extreme faith in overt sexuality. You believe men can be manipulated sexually and you’re right. But you have a locked in contradiction in such philosophy. It’s why you can’t understand why he’d go for this other girl though you’re prettier and more socially gifted.
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Dear Jil, I’m not exactly sure what this guy means when he said his relationship with his girlfriend is stale. How can a relationship be stale? Is it bread or what? Has the relationship gone moldy or expired? What’s he saying? Is he in a relationship but not in a relationship? It’s not very clear and you better be clear. A relationship is a relationship whether moldy or not. Whether stale or not he’s still in a relationship. Ascribing the characteristics of a fungi-infested bread to a relationship isn’t exactly helpful in this circumstance.
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My dear Jack, you’re only going to create confusion with this binary equation you’re embracing. There are going to arise serious complications dating two girls at once. And contradictions. Fidelity will be an irony. Yes, I know you don’t mean to, and that cowardice landed you in this technical default… But the fact remains you’re in a relationship with two women and you’re going to create something messy, hurt someone. Continue reading

My dear Jil, at some point you’ll have to take responsibility for your life, especially as it concerns marriage. I do understand your mom’s concerns but she’s only looking at the “image” of the family, not your emotional health. This guy you’re betrothed to… He doesn’t love you. He’s just taking advantage of your inexperience and youth. But life assumes you’re mature enough to handle issues by yourself once you decide you want to marry.
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My dear Jack, you don’t know much about life, do you? When the subject of your pursuit ominously warns you you have no idea what you’re trying to get into, shouldn’t you reflect? I mean this is direct warning, it’s not some third party hearsay. The woman herself is warning you. She’s in effect telling you you shouldn’t be pursuing her but if you decide to continue, don’t complain if you suffer. She’s warning you you don’t know what you’re dealing with, that you really don’t know her, or know ABOUT her. In other words, your romantic notions are completely out of whack with reality. There are hidden realities about her below the surface is what she’s telling you, things you know nothing about. But you have decided to be the famed hunter in D.O. Fagunwa’s Forest of a Thousand Demons. You’re ogboju ode! You have decided to go hunting where mortals fear to thread. I admire your courage, or foolishness.
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Dear Jack, I think you’re conflicting sex for love. You don’t really know the love of a woman, just sex. You’re at that age testosterone is raging like a bull and primal desires are seeking to overrun your life. The love of a woman is much more than sex Jack. You don’t get it. To the woman who truly loves you sex is a sacrificial offering, an oblation – the religious giving of self. Continue reading

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