Letter to Jil

My dear Jil, let’s keep the momentum on #BringBackOurGirls going. It is a civic duty. My profile pix is blacked out in honour of the dead, honour to the dying, honour to the missing #ChibokGirls

As per the issue you raised- Yes, I ask you to forgive. And I do know forgiveness can seem difficult. In fact unforgiveness is the norm and much more easier, especially when you’ve been badly wronged. How do you forgive a trusted girlfriend who snatches away your boyfriend you ask? Such can destroy so many things in a person, destroy self esteem- make you doubt yourself.

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Dear Jil, I had intended to write you on matters of the heart but the pallium of death over my nation consternates. It’s been a very rough three weeks for the entire nation. Very traumatic. The bizarre unfurled its wings before our very eyes. Lo and behold it is a fire breathing dragon.

I woke up this morning with a rather heavy heart. I can’t define the heaviness. It’s like an indefinable weight in the lower left centre of my being. Pain has weight. Sadness has mass. When they inhabit us they exert gravitational pull on our spirit. And sometimes pain is so deep it exhibits anaesthetic qualities. Our hearts become numb, we can’t feel. The sympathetic undertaker has taken up abode in our land. It has set up enterprise and it is not lacking in patronage.

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Dear Jil, your mum keeps seeking the opinion of fortune tellers to “examine” the suitability of your prospects. That she’s torpedoed two wonderful relationships you’ve had in the last 5 years should ordinarily say something. And now you’re 30 and still unmarried, despite your attractiveness. No thanks to your mum’s veto capacity.

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Dear Jil, pregnancy exeat has its consequences. It’s not the best way to leave home. What’s pregnancy exeat? It’s deliberately getting pregnant to escape your parents or home situation. Even if the guy is a responsible young man who isn’t with you just for sex and will still want to marry you after you get pregnant, pregnancy exeat nonetheless has challenges.

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Dear Jil, today I want to discuss with you that most infamous of human assassination technologies- gossip.

Gossip is a huge global economy, a big industrial franchise. It’s one of the biggest employers of labour. As I read about the rebasing of the Nigerian economy I was a tad surprised it didn’t enjoy sectoral privilege. The gossip industry employs millions of people, though I must confess most are volunteers without pay. Only the “last mile” workers, especially those in traditional media get paid. Others pay themselves with secret satisfaction! But the implication is that there are millions gainfully employed and dedicated to the ruination of others.

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Dear Jil, you want to know why some women go for ‘bad boys’ instead of good men?! That’s funny coming from a woman. I should be asking YOU! I guess you’re asking because your friend broke up with your nice and responsible brother and went for a ‘bad boy’! But before we go on let’s clarify something. We can’t lump ALL women together. You’re a woman yourself. I understand you’re exasperated but it’s not true that women in general prefer bad boys. SOME women do. There are quite a number of factors. Not sure there’s a SINGULAR reason.

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Dear Jil, I’m honestly not convinced it’s worth getting into a fight with another woman over a boyfriend. And if you have to get physical to keep your man, there’s a fundamental problem embedded in that relationship. Think.

To be sure, I’m not saying you shouldn’t ward off a circling shark executing a predatory manoeuvre on your man. Men can be clueless. We hardly know when another woman is hitting on us. But a woman knows. And some men actively create a competitive scenario to elevate appreciation, control and affection. It’s an exploitation of the woman’s territorial instinct. But the problem with it is, it can turn deadly and often does! “For where zeal and rivalry are, there are insurrection and every evil matter” the Bible says. Continue reading →

Dear Jil, the reason you’re having these challenges is because you were used to staying alone. You married late.

You’re used to taking decisions without consultation. You’ll need to make adjustments. Don’t forget you had almost resigned yourself to spinsterhood when this man came along. Why stay out for so long only to wreck the marriage when the opportunity came along! It’s worth saving your marriage. And why shouldn’t it work! You have age on your side. With age comes appreciation of the graciousness of life. With age also comes maturity, and a considerate approach to marriage.

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My dear Jil, you married a young man in his prime. His sexual demands are in consonance with his age. It is not for nothing that the God who created the sexes says couples should not deny each other sex. I suspect that was coded more for the benefit of the man than the woman, and you’ll see why.

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Dear Jil, in my brief history in this world my eyes have cognized the strange and my ears have audiblized the unimaginable. The evil capacities of man and the horrible inventions of his heart are feats of incredulity. How do you explain the phenomenon I term Matrimonial Thuggery?

When a man of means uses his wealth to snatch away the wife of a young man that’s matrimonial thuggery. He could have any single woman who’s so inclined if he so desires, but he’d rather muscle a young man out of his consolation. If a woman of means, by means – any means, snatches away the husband of a young bride it’s matrimonial thuggery too. There are stories of matrimonial thuggery that are so confrontational and so brazen they could only be inspired by Beelzebub.

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