Letter to Jil

Dear Jil, relationships are conceptualised as two-way traffic. The traffic can’t keep flowing in one direction. If you want to experience abundance of joy in your relationship, learn to give. It’s not the duty of one party to give. It’s the duty of both.

You can’t be stingy to your boyfriend. And you don’t justify stinginess with the logic, “After all, he’s the man!” That’s sexist selfishness. If you’re a stingy or grudging giver it will affect your relationship. It will become contrived. Even God in a typical display of anthropopathism loves a cheerful giver. If you don’t give, at some point the other party will start feeling cheated. Your partner may continue to give, but the joy that comes from reciprocity of affection is hoovered out of the relationship.

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Dear Jil, the problem in your marriage is a clash of civilizations – a head on collision of three civilisations. Since each civilisation has its own philosophy it means three philosophies are clashing in your marriage.

There’s the traditional African culture, there’s secular humanism, as well as Judeo-Christian belief system. Each of these is a complete system. Each has its own philosophy, values and adjudicatory system. Different outflows. Unfortunately they are operationally contradictory. Their marital philosophies don’t agree. They have a commonality in subject matter only – marriage! But the philosophies differ.

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Dear Jil, he’s from a tribe different from yours and your family is in opposition to the idea of marriage. He’s from the East, you’re from the West. Your tribe find people from the East loathsome. (The love is reciprocated). The whole thing goes back to the civil war. The issue then is an atomised insalubrious continuation of internecine rivalry.

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My dear Jil, well here’s another epistle of uncomfortable truth. Someone has to tell you! Your friends can’t tell you. They’re afraid of the consequences of telling you. It takes a lot to try and tell someone resistant to correction uncomfortable truth. Usually not worth the emotional risk.

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Dear Jil, let’s talk a little about uncomfortable truths this morning – about this temper thing.

Men are very uncomfortable with temperamental women, and you’ll see why. The man will friend-zone you if you’re temperamental. Which is an irony – a reverse equation. That means he’ll like hanging out with you, but won’t dare commit because he’s afraid of being in a relationship with that temper. In a man’s thinking he can hang out with you because it’s not his problem. It’s your future husband’s problem. And some men will just take off! Can’t handle it. For the alpha male it means you’re incontrollable. Temper is scary to men!

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Dear Jil, funny that I wrote Jack last week on this very same issue. I fear you’re making the same mistake. Sometimes mistakes come in genders. There’s the masculine version and then the feminine label. Listen, your mum cannot have dominion over your matrimonial home. It’s not allowed.

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Well, Jil, to be honest with you, there are 3 types of mothers-in-law. You have the good, the insouciant and the… what has now come to be known as the erm… monster-in-law. May you be so fortunate to have a loving and kind mother-in-law.

It’s unfortunate that the term mother-in-law has almost become synonymous with tyranny and colonial authority. Yet some mothers-in-law are so wonderful they are a factor in the love the woman has for their son. Same holds for the men. The truth is some men married their wives for the love of their mother-in-law. But some mothers-in-law are so oppressive their son’s marriage is only holding because of the special grace of God!

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My dear Jil, you can’t be reliant on your boyfriend for happiness. You can’t be dependent on a man for happiness. And that’s a heavy burden to load on someone. It can’t be fair! No man possesses that kind of capacity- to keep someone happy. It’s an emotional albatross. In a way he literally has to give up his life to tend to your happiness. It’s some form of control on your part. It’s reverse selfishness and it’s dangerous. You’ll never be satisfied. You’re going to end up hating him. And that’s because you’ll be holding him responsible for your unhappinesses.

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My dear Jil, I’d have thought by now you’d know better than to produce a sex tape. There are too many instances of sex tape gone viral that someone should have learnt by now. Whatever the wonderful intent of Kim Kardashian about her sex tape I doubt if she contemplated a vengeful Ray J. When it comes to sex tape there is always the possibility of prosecution of malice or revenge by a former lover.

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Dear Jil, seems your boyfriend is into kinky sex; he’s you know 50 Shades of Grey. The demands he’s making on you seems to point in that direction. He has a fetishism for hair and smell, that’s why he’s making those demands. He gets offended if you shave any part of you, you say and when you’re together he likes to smell “you”.

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