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My dear Jack, here’s the first question: Did your relationship improve or deteriorate during the lockdown? Continue reading

The logic of relationships

My dear Jil, the desires of our life naturally present their own logic. This is more so in relationships. But we don’t always factor in the logic of our desire. Continue reading

Letter to Jack- Data Breach

My dear Jack, you’re still not getting it are you? Let me see if I can help you see it. Continue reading

My dear Jack and Jil, I present a few nuggets from my letters to you this year. Here they are: Continue reading

My dear Jack, you were eager for marriage, and now you’re married you’re complaining your wife is emotionally demanding. What do you think marriage is about? Of course she has a right to be emotionally demanding. Haven’t you heard of the law of demand and supply? Welcome to classical matrimonial economics. Continue reading

My dear Jil, yes I do agree he has to carry you along. Marriage thrives better when couples carry each other along, put each other in the know. Continue reading

My dear Jil, if there’s a prayer every father should pray for his daughter, it is, “May you not know a bad marriage.” The trauma of a bad marriage is unimaginable. And there are different layers to that trauma. Continue reading

It doesn’t matter. That’s a phrase you have to get used to in your head. If you want to have a good marriage there are things that just must not matter.

There are two levels of agreement in marriage. There’s vocalised/actioned consensus. Then there’s viewpoint. It’s non-vocalised. It’s just in your head. Your husband will do some things you don’t agree with, or say some things you don’t agree with. You can’t be in agreement over EVERYTHING. There will be different perspectives. Continue reading

My dear Jil, I’ve thought about it. You must be quick to forgive in marriage, not just forgive. How? You just forgive and get on with the rest of your marriage, that’s how. Once you’ve discussed the issue and made your grievance known, just move on. And the only reason you’re vocalising your grievance is so your partner knows what he did doesn’t sit well with you. It’s informational. Because he loves you he’ll avoid a repeat. He’s now conscious of what you don’t like. You’re not telling him you don’t like what he did because you want a fight, or to provoke him or get at him, or to prove a point. That’s shouldn’t be your objective. If that’s your objective you’re working against peace in your marriage. That’s not the point in pointing out an issue to your partner. You must both learn to discuss an issue and move on. That gives marriage continuity without pregnant comas. Continue reading

Dear Jack, I think it’s about doing certain things just because it makes her happy. Your desire should be to do things that make her happy. Especially because of the fact she’s been a wonderful wife to you; she goes out of her way to be supportive of you, sticks by you no matter what. There are thus things you won’t ordinarily do, but you do them because they make her happy. That’s the least you can do for her – make her happy. And so you stretch yourself to buy that birthday present, do your best to make the day enjoyable for her – make it a day she can be happy. You just want to see her happy. It’s what couples should do for each other – sacrificially make each other happy. And she need not know you stretched yourself to make that birthday memorable. Doesn’t matter. If someone makes you happy, make the person happy. That’s a mantra to live by.

Continue reading

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