All Letters

Dear Jil, of course you know her! Headstrong and slenderised, her features thinly fleshed, she’s no doubt lovable but that’s not very obvious. She was educated in one of the ivy league colleges; grew up in a university campus – her father was a professor. She has the gift of fierce intelligence, and a radical bit of outlook. Products of intellectual environments tend to have. She will go to the ends of the earth for those she loves. That’s one thing about her. It’s not so much faith as blind passion. She opens her eyes shut in loyalty, sometimes bumping her way into life dummies. Some will even say she’s prone to emotional suicide. Those she loves she loves.

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Who can ever forget Michael Caine’s speech at the start of the movie, The Prestige? It’s the cinematic equivalence of a hook in music. [A hook is a short riff or phrase used to make a song appealing. It’s like a chorus]. The Prestige, the 2006 drama film directed by Christopher Nolan was adapted from Christopher Priest’s novel of the same name.

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Dear Jil, I came across this story. Thought I’d share it with you! Enjoy!

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Dear Jack, let me state this from the onset: It’s not going to work! I mean your girlfriend’s concoction. It’s an incondite relationship and she’s being most unrealistic; she’ll end up losing both ways. Chasing two rats at once is chasing none.

From your mail I see she used to date this other guy. But because of SS genotype scare they chose to call it off. Only they didn’t REALLY call it off. The liaison transmuted into “brother-sister” relationship; they’re like “twins watching out for each other”. He watches out for guys like you. He actually believes you’ll hurt her. He feels protective towards her, like an umbrella in a typical insurance cover advert. Her core is her oblation for the coverage. And she likes the feeling. In fact she’s ENJOYING it! It’s why she proposed the uncomfortable triangular arrangement. It’s some form of sharing formula – the mathematisation of her affection in pie chart configuration.

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Dear Jil, thank you for your mail. The issue you presented is one of the big questions in relationship. This gentleman has solid character, obviously. And he wants to marry you. But you’re not in love with him. Do you marry him and trust the love will come; or do you give up the relationship and forfeit his solidity? In other words, love before marriage or the possibility of love after marriage?

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Dear Jack, you know I’m sometimes amazed at young people’s protestations of love in the face of incubating tragedy. And I think you’re getting superstitious about your prospects with this lady you’re enamoured with. The stuff about if something is yours it’ll come back to you- it’s unfathomable fatalism. Means you’ll have NO i-d-e-a she’s yours until she’s back. How can a fact confirm a hypothesis retroactively? It’s neither prophecy nor wishfulness, and if wishfulness it’s not definitive. Defies logic or classification.

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Dear Jil, relationships are conceptualised as two-way traffic. The traffic can’t keep flowing in one direction. If you want to experience abundance of joy in your relationship, learn to give. It’s not the duty of one party to give. It’s the duty of both.

You can’t be stingy to your boyfriend. And you don’t justify stinginess with the logic, “After all, he’s the man!” That’s sexist selfishness. If you’re a stingy or grudging giver it will affect your relationship. It will become contrived. Even God in a typical display of anthropopathism loves a cheerful giver. If you don’t give, at some point the other party will start feeling cheated. Your partner may continue to give, but the joy that comes from reciprocity of affection is hoovered out of the relationship.

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Dear Jack, I am not a fan of William H. Sheldon’s work. Not sure you’ll know him though. He created the field of somatotype and constitutional psychology. The discipline tries to correlate body types with behavior, intelligence and social hierarchy. Continue reading →

Dear Jil, the problem in your marriage is a clash of civilizations – a head on collision of three civilisations. Since each civilisation has its own philosophy it means three philosophies are clashing in your marriage.

There’s the traditional African culture, there’s secular humanism, as well as Judeo-Christian belief system. Each of these is a complete system. Each has its own philosophy, values and adjudicatory system. Different outflows. Unfortunately they are operationally contradictory. Their marital philosophies don’t agree. They have a commonality in subject matter only – marriage! But the philosophies differ.

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Dear Jack, yes I know the pressure that comes with late conception. Especially in an African society. But if I were you I’ll shield and protect my wife from it all.

Let’s deal with the family angle first. They can be very pertinacious and proprietary. When you think about it you kind of understand why God says you should leave your father and mother and cling to your wife. Your family can’t be regulating family planning in your nuclear family. They’re overreaching. If you don’t draw the line and contain them they’ll destroy your marriage. You must be in control of your matrimonial agenda. And so we see the clash between the word of God and culture; of God’s viewpoint and man’s.

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