All Letters

My dear Jil, you can’t be reliant on your boyfriend for happiness. You can’t be dependent on a man for happiness. And that’s a heavy burden to load on someone. It can’t be fair! No man possesses that kind of capacity- to keep someone happy. It’s an emotional albatross. In a way he literally has to give up his life to tend to your happiness. It’s some form of control on your part. It’s reverse selfishness and it’s dangerous. You’ll never be satisfied. You’re going to end up hating him. And that’s because you’ll be holding him responsible for your unhappinesses.

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My dear Jack, I’m not sure it’s advisable to create a generic profile for women. Yes, there are basic commonalities but every woman has her unique identity. Same goes for men. I do concede though that there are broad spectra. Let’s call these spectra personality typologies. But as useful as these personality typologies may be we still have to come to terms with the peculiarities of the individual.

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My dear Jil, I’d have thought by now you’d know better than to produce a sex tape. There are too many instances of sex tape gone viral that someone should have learnt by now. Whatever the wonderful intent of Kim Kardashian about her sex tape I doubt if she contemplated a vengeful Ray J. When it comes to sex tape there is always the possibility of prosecution of malice or revenge by a former lover.

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Dear Jack, you’re a victim of surround sound technology! You may not realise this but some babes are sound engineers. They know how to engineer surround sound. What is “surround sound”? It’s the surrounding of a man with incessant phone calls and the constant sound of text messaging. When you wake up in the morning there’s a loving text waiting for you. When you go to bed at night there’s a text ushering you to sleep. She’s the first person you talk to in the morning (even before God), she’s the last person you talk to at night. She’s your MTN advert personification: Everywhere you go! Darling, Sweetheart, Love, Baby, Sugar, Honey… She gat you! Even if she calls you meat pie you’ll still be happy! Her words are mashing up your brain. Your body tingles in anticipation of those phonic expressions of endearment! “How was your night darling?” “Was the pillow ok sweetheart?” “Have you eaten honey?” “Baby what will you wear for me today?” “Sweety,” [pronounced “sweedy”] “was the ride to the office okay?” “Honey, do you want me to cook for you?”

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Dear Jil, seems your boyfriend is into kinky sex; he’s you know 50 Shades of Grey. The demands he’s making on you seems to point in that direction. He has a fetishism for hair and smell, that’s why he’s making those demands. He gets offended if you shave any part of you, you say and when you’re together he likes to smell “you”.

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My dear Jack, I think you worry too much about what people will say in any given situation. It paralyses you, immobilises you and reduces your energy commitment to your vision. You second guess and third guess yourself. Because of this you can’t go in decisively on any scheme.

You worry because you don’t yet understand the mechanics of public opinion, or how the world runs. Opinion is not necessarily a thought out position despite what the word sounds like. Opinions are not necessarily processed cogitations either. They’re just proprietary expressions of individuals. Opinion is the biggest fundamental human right franchise. Everybody has an opinion. Everybody will have an opinion. Most times (99% of the time actually) opinions are expressions of prejudice, and hidden and not so hidden agenda.

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My dear Jil, let’s keep the momentum on #BringBackOurGirls going. It is a civic duty. My profile pix is blacked out in honour of the dead, honour to the dying, honour to the missing #ChibokGirls

As per the issue you raised- Yes, I ask you to forgive. And I do know forgiveness can seem difficult. In fact unforgiveness is the norm and much more easier, especially when you’ve been badly wronged. How do you forgive a trusted girlfriend who snatches away your boyfriend you ask? Such can destroy so many things in a person, destroy self esteem- make you doubt yourself.

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Dear Jack, as you know these are trying times for everyone. What with abducted young girls and bomb blasts… I know you’re going through your own trials too…

Pick up any historical on any stock offering and you’ll notice something curious. No matter the trajectory of the stock it is almost like a topography, as if you’re looking at a landscape of hills. The curves are jagged with micro rises and falls. It’s like climbing a summit. Sometimes the curves drop precipitously, then they pick up, determined in ascent. Those rises and falls represent the performance of the stock on a daily basis. However if you’re looking at yearly performance with substantial intervals you may not see the micro rises and falls. But you will see the big drops and the long arduous climbs. The curves will however be smoother. In other words it all depends on how closely you zoom in and what metric of intervals you’re considering. Those stock graphs mirror life- the life of any man or woman. Life is full of ups and downs on many dimensions. Because we’re not close to the details of the lives of others we can’t see the micro peaks and dips.

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Dear Jil, I had intended to write you on matters of the heart but the pallium of death over my nation consternates. It’s been a very rough three weeks for the entire nation. Very traumatic. The bizarre unfurled its wings before our very eyes. Lo and behold it is a fire breathing dragon.

I woke up this morning with a rather heavy heart. I can’t define the heaviness. It’s like an indefinable weight in the lower left centre of my being. Pain has weight. Sadness has mass. When they inhabit us they exert gravitational pull on our spirit. And sometimes pain is so deep it exhibits anaesthetic qualities. Our hearts become numb, we can’t feel. The sympathetic undertaker has taken up abode in our land. It has set up enterprise and it is not lacking in patronage.

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Dear Jack, I saw a Pirelli advert the other day… don’t know if you’ve ever seen it. The copy reads: “Power is nothing without control – Pirelli.” I think it’s a classic.

One of the biggest temptations you’ll face in life is the ability to manage your capabilities, to resist temptation and provocation, ignore insults. I see many struggle with this on social media. If you engage in digital fisticuffs with virtual thugs, people can’t tell the difference. You must develop capacity to ignore digital insolence. Some people just want attention. Ignore them.

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