Letter to Jack

My dear Jack, look, you’re only dating this babe because she’s what’s available not what you really want. It’s like going to all those secondary school dance events in those days and all the girls are taken, except this one girl. Well, that’s the only “choice” you have so you dance with her and strike up conversation. But you soon become shackled to her when your friends begin to talk about you and her, ribbing you. And that’s how you find yourself in a “relationship” you never really wanted. Social pressure. You’re lonely. She’s available. That’s all there is to this relationship. Her sole value to you is utilitarian. Other things being equal you wouldn’t date her. You’re not attracted to her and she has traits you don’t like. But she’s lonely and you’re lonely, hence relationship.  Continue reading →

My dear Jack, my letters to you are designed to cause a paradigm shift. If you don’t change your thinking you can’t produce different results. Some of the philosophies we subscribe to are deleterious to matrimonial peace and conjugal harmony. The unified assault on matrimony can only be affronted by a counter-philosophic vanguard. Marriage ought to be joy, it ought to be happiness. It’s not supposed to be full of difficulty and pain. You now have total access to the one you love, the one you don’t want to do without. Why should that become sorrow! If you don’t jettison the idea of marriage as difficulty your faith will keep generating that product. Continue reading →

My dear Jack, sometimes we think we can use matrimony to force-convert a bad relationship. We imagine bolting the door with a matrimonial padlock. We want to use fait accompli to tame the wild beast inside. We imagine proceeding a relationship – in which the parties are constantly bickering – to marriage will force accommodation. But life’s numerous case studies say otherwise – that we’re only incubating the evil day. The destructive forces locked up in that relationship will eventually blow the door of the matrimony to splinters. If at all, marriage only makes such relationships worse. It locks up two disagreeable people in an intimate space. That’s a recipe for disaster. Continue reading →

My dear Jack, you don’t even know yourself though you think you do. You have no idea who you are. You just think you have self-knowledge. Young men can be that way – so confident and full of hubris. Only the confidence is vacuous. It’s what makes them prone to mistakes of choice of marriage partner – the confidence of ignorance.  Continue reading →

Dear Jack, if you study the pattern of my missives you’ll discover two things: One, I’m trying to make sure that subsisting marriages work out, that they’re imbued with love, joy and happiness. But more critically, I’m trying to prevent intending marriages from becoming incubators of pain and sorrow. A bad marriage starts with a wrong choice of partner. And such partners are not necessarily bad people. They may just be bad for each other. When partners don’t gel, or come from incongruent dimensions, it can lead to disinterest and frustration. And a marriage created in the crucible of compulsion is a recipe for disaster and unhappiness.  Continue reading →

Dear Jack,

You’re not a chipmunk are you? The memory of chipmunks lasts only three days. Unfortunately they like to store and hide food. After three days they don’t know where the food is hidden! You’re behaving like a chipmunk. You’re exhibiting short memory, which is rather painful considering all the trauma this lady has put you through. Seems you’ve forgotten the pain, including your hospitalization and near full-blown mental breakdown. You can’t afford to break down again Jack. Stop playing with your mental health.  Continue reading →

Dear Jack,

You’ve got to learn to express your emotions. I know you love her. Nobody can doubt that. But you’ve got to tell her. She needs to hear you say it. A woman needs that expression of emotion; she needs your constant assurance. Don’t ask me why this is so, it’s just so! Some things are just so in life though we can go on an exegetical excursion. And yes, she knows you love her, but… she wants to be told. Continue reading →

Relationship requires maturity. It’s why marriage is for men and not boys. Without maturity there will be emotional brickbats in a relationship. Such a relationship will trace the virtual paths of a yoyo. Up today, down tomorrow. Moods, temperament, anger, malice… these are pointers to the issue of emotional maturity in your relationship. And so because of a disagreement she withdraws to a corner and you become annoyed with the fact that she did. And so you withdraw in anger too. And soon it escalates as molehills are geologically blown out of proportion. Until everyone forgets the real issues. Now it’s all about pride and who’ll blink first. Such immaturity! Continue reading →

My dear Jack, I want you to listen to me and listen to me real good: You’ll lose this woman if care is not taken. And if you lose her you’ll lose real big. You’ve so driven your wife to the edge of despair that pain has blunted her life and cardinal orientation. She knows no more the North, West, South or East of your matrimonial journey. She’s in that much despair. She’s fighting for her emotional and mental health, and when you drive a woman to that point anything can happen. I’m being real Truth is not always comfortable or politically correct. One day you’ll come home and she’s gone Continue reading →