Letter to Jil

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My dear Jil, couples owe themselves a duty of care. A relationship is customized and privatized affection. By care, I mean the actual caring for one another. But it’s not limited to that. It also involves the notion of caring and WANTING to care. The wanting to care is what we call affection. Yes, we take those oaths during wedding ceremonies – For better for worse, in sickness and in health… So there’s a context of care when your partner falls ill, or when things take a wrong turn. But care is beyond illnesses. If we limit it to just illness it means the man who never falls ill will never receive care. Continue reading →

My dear Jil, I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie, Deja Vu. It’s a 2006 movie. Stars Denzel Washington. It’s about an ATF agent who travels back in time to prevent a domestic terror attack against a ferry carrying 543 US Navy sailors, their families and crewmembers. (ATF stands for Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and explosives). The amazing time-travel technology employed was a program called Snow White. It enabled the investigating team to fold time four days backward – precisely 4 days, 6 hours, 3 minutes, 45 seconds, 14.5 nanoseconds. They could do this using several satellites to triangulate image of events. But the system had a limitation. It can only see past events once, and there’s no fast forwarding or rewinding, though it can record. Snow White is actually a time window. And with it you can alter what we ordinarily call destiny. Continue reading →

Dear Jil, sometimes the people we’re considering for relationship or marriage are inadequate for us. It can be financial inadequacy, or mental inadequacy, or spiritual inadequacy, or cultural inadequacy…or motivational inadequacy, or emotional inadequacy, or expression inadequacy…The inadequacy is why we’re not satisfied, why all the person does can never be enough. The challenge many times is there’s nothing the inadequate person can do. He’s given to the limit of not just his ability, but also his capability. What inadequacy says in effect is that people may actually not be ABLE to change. Continue reading →

My dear Jil, let me tell you a very sad story. I want us to draw a lesson or two. There was this genial old man everyone loved. He was kind, compassionate, generous. He prayed for everyone, related with everyone, reached out to everyone, in love. He was a wonderful father and a wonderful father-in-law to the husbands of his daughters. Old men as you know fall sick every once in a while. That said he minded his health. He was a doctor’s dream. Continue reading →

My dear Jil, come on, you deserve better than this guy, and you know it! You’re dating him because you’ve put yourself in desperate straits – feeling or believing you can’t get any better. And this apart from the embarrassing fact that this guy tried to date two of your friends who turned him down for good reason. You feel you can’t get any better based on an aberrant philosophy. Continue reading →

My dear Jil, I do understand your devastation concerning his choice. You can’t imagine him picking the other lady. I know you’re wondering why he went for her and not you. You are after all “more qualified.” Yes, I do agree you have pedigree and stronger social qualities. You’re intelligent, culturally literate, well-travelled, exposed, even kind… It’s just that you’re stubborn!  Continue reading →

My dear Jil, I did get your mail. Sorry for my late reply. I was travelling. It may sound strange, but I think you ought to appreciate his imperfection rather than just tolerating it. Imperfection is of course not the same as imperfections. Imperfection is a state, the state of man; imperfections are his acts. You’re dealing with a human not a robotic entity. His inherent nature is imperfect. Continue reading →

I think the issue is the inability to take things seriously…things like vows. That’s actually serious stuff. It’s not that he doesn’t love you, and he wouldn’t contemplate leaving you. It’s just that he’s not reached that point in life in which he realizes some things are more serious than they appear to be. He will get there. Continue reading →