My dear Jil, distant relationships have their challenges. As much as your generation prides itself in digital embrace the sociological inadequacy of a Facebook romance is glaring. There’s only so much you can say or do over Facebook when it comes to relationship. You can’t go to the movies together on Facebook for instance. You can’t have a drink together. Can’t stroll together. Your case is doubly compounded because your boyfriend is not even in the country. Continue reading
My dear Jil, this problem with your dad, I’d say watch it. I’ve seen too many of these kinds of things destroy marriages and your marriage shouldn’t be a casualty. A lot of marriages have been destroyed from unresolved issues with parents. The anger and sense of impotence create bitterness and unhappiness. Bitterness from anger and impotence tends to lash out, at anybody close by. Continue reading
My dear Jil, you don’t have bad luck, you’re just exercising poor judgment. I get a lot of mails like yours from young women who have had successive broken relationships. These women sometimes feel there’s something wrong with them; that’s why their relationships don’t lead to marriage. They wonder why almost immediately after break up the guy goes on to marry someone else. Continue reading
My dear Jil, come on, think! Should you be relating to this sort of fellow! One expects a guy that age to be fairly settled. He’s in his forties. Not only is he unsettled and very under-achieved, he’s trolling young girls on Facebook. At 40? From onset all he’s been interested in is sex, and extorting money from you. That’s all he’s been interested in. Continue reading
My dear Jil, of course he has to get used to the idea of you without make up. In marriage he’ll see you without make-up. Every night you’ll wash the make-up off your face, won’t you? So how’s he going to cope? And you’ll do facial scrub. That’s not a good sight to behold for men but it keeps the skin fresh and healthy. It’s only in the movies that women wake up perfectly made-up. Reality is less pleasant. Continue reading
Dear Jil, this is what I’ve been trying to say to you, to warn you about, to get you to see. You’ve been neglecting your husband’s sexual needs. You’ve not been paying attention to him. And that happens in marriage. You do work, do your family, do church, get all caught up in those things, but then neglect your husband. And not just his sexual needs, but his tactile needs as well. Continue reading
My dear Jil, if you lose your life to this marriage you will have yourself to blame. Truth is not always politically correct. Neither is wisdom. If I were you I’ll repudiate the advice of those religious folk who insist you should stay in this violent marriage and pray. These people are legalists who do not believe in divorce under any circumstance. Until THEIR child is in danger. Continue reading
My dear Jil, I think you’re mixing up some things. In choosing a groom it’s right to look at the personal qualities of the person, not just his family. He may come from a wondrous family but if he himself lacks the qualities of a good husband, you’ll have marital issues. And so you have the man, his familial context, which by the way is very important; but then you also have the marital ambiance. Continue reading
My dear Jil, I feel I need to write you once more about that “f” word – forgiveness. Forgiveness is a hard thing no doubt, and yet it’s the easiest of things. Forgiveness is only hard when we regurgitate and re-experience the pain and the trauma visited on us. Memory loss, and the willingness to have memory loss are critical to forgiveness. There are experiences that should not be relived. Every time you recall a painful experience it’s like peeling the scab on a wound. Continue reading
Dear Jil, you don’t pay back a man’s financial outlay on you with your life. You pay back with money if you must. Like for like. This man wasn’t generous to you because he wanted to do charity; he was generous because he fell in love. Every act of generosity to you was predicated on his love for you. And he got something back in return – your consideration. Continue reading