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Letter to Jil

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My dear Jil, the issues you raised kind of remind me of the Tyler Perry movie, Acrimony. Don’t know if you’ve seen it. It’s one of those psychological thrillers. The moral plot is deliberately twisted to create acrimony in the audience. “Acrimony” is used as a double entendre I believe. Continue reading

My dear Jil, the problem some people have, which tendency you’re exhibiting, is that they don’t want to take responsibility for their lives. You must take responsibility for your life, and one critical area you have to take responsibility is in the area of marriage. “X told me not to marry you” is actually as bad as “Y told me to marry you.” You’re not taking responsibility for your life. And so when you push a critical decision like your choice of marriage partner to me I have to push back. You’ve got to take responsibility for your life. Continue reading

My dear Jil, what I’m about to tell you will not be popular in certain quarters, but I owe you a duty to tell you the truth. And anyway you have to take personal responsibility for your marriage and not subject yourself to groupthink. You’re going to create a fault line in your marriage if you continue jumping from one church programme to another irrespective of your marriage. You’re neglecting your marital duties. The kind of fault line I’m talking about is usually thin, hardly visible to the naked eye, but it runs deep! Continue reading

My dear Jil, you’re about to nail yourself to the cross and you shouldn’t. We all make mistakes, each one of us without exception. Yes, some mistakes are more terrible than others; but we have to just accept our mistakes and live by the consequences sometimes. Of course that’s not easy but you must determine to live it down. Continue reading

My dear Jil, yes I do agree he has to carry you along. Marriage thrives better when couples carry each other along, put each other in the know. Continue reading

My dear Jil, if there’s a prayer every father should pray for his daughter, it is, “May you not know a bad marriage.” The trauma of a bad marriage is unimaginable. And there are different layers to that trauma. Continue reading

It doesn’t matter. That’s a phrase you have to get used to in your head. If you want to have a good marriage there are things that just must not matter.

There are two levels of agreement in marriage. There’s vocalised/actioned consensus. Then there’s viewpoint. It’s non-vocalised. It’s just in your head. Your husband will do some things you don’t agree with, or say some things you don’t agree with. You can’t be in agreement over EVERYTHING. There will be different perspectives. Continue reading

My dear Jil, I’ve thought about it. You must be quick to forgive in marriage, not just forgive. How? You just forgive and get on with the rest of your marriage, that’s how. Once you’ve discussed the issue and made your grievance known, just move on. And the only reason you’re vocalising your grievance is so your partner knows what he did doesn’t sit well with you. It’s informational. Because he loves you he’ll avoid a repeat. He’s now conscious of what you don’t like. You’re not telling him you don’t like what he did because you want a fight, or to provoke him or get at him, or to prove a point. That’s shouldn’t be your objective. If that’s your objective you’re working against peace in your marriage. That’s not the point in pointing out an issue to your partner. You must both learn to discuss an issue and move on. That gives marriage continuity without pregnant comas. Continue reading

My dear Jil, I’ll advise you learn not to incubate ill feelings in your relationship. It can be dangerous in marriage. Why don’t you just call your partner, sit down with him and discuss whatever the issue is? The longer you leave an issue the more it festers. It’s like a pore fungus in a culture dish. It’ll just keep growing and multiplying. And when emotions are layered on a perceived offence you have something serious and potentially dangerous brewing. Continue reading

My dear Jil, there’s such a thing as loyalty in marriage. Couples must be loyal to each other. You cover your husband’s shame in marriage. You don’t expose him to ridicule in difficult times. You don’t offer him to derision. That’s not wise. Continue reading

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