All Letters

My dear Jil,

There has to be agreeability in a relationship if it’s ever going to work. Both you and your husband must be agreeable, and achingly want your marriage to work if it’s going to work. You must desire the marriage. That desire has a magnetic quality to it. It’s a virtual marital glue. It binds souls together. There’s a difference between being in a marriage and being in a happy marriage. In a happy marriage the love is a non-negotiable. There can be differences of viewpoints on certain issues but both of you maintain agreeability. There can be disagreement without disagreeability. Continue reading →

Dear Jack,

You’ve got to learn to express your emotions. I know you love her. Nobody can doubt that. But you’ve got to tell her. She needs to hear you say it. A woman needs that expression of emotion; she needs your constant assurance. Don’t ask me why this is so, it’s just so! Some things are just so in life though we can go on an exegetical excursion. And yes, she knows you love her, but… she wants to be told. Continue reading →

My dear Jil,

You said there’s this colleague of yours who seems very much interested in you in the office. You’re wondering whether to get involved with him since you both work in the same office. Well let’s first clarify the office issue. Be sure your corporate policy allows for office romance. Especially since he is superordinate to you. He’s your senior in the office. That in itself can lay him open to charges of sexual harassment. But I don’t envisage you going after him with that, though emotions can be vicious when there are disappointments.  Continue reading →

Relationship requires maturity. It’s why marriage is for men and not boys. Without maturity there will be emotional brickbats in a relationship. Such a relationship will trace the virtual paths of a yoyo. Up today, down tomorrow. Moods, temperament, anger, malice… these are pointers to the issue of emotional maturity in your relationship. And so because of a disagreement she withdraws to a corner and you become annoyed with the fact that she did. And so you withdraw in anger too. And soon it escalates as molehills are geologically blown out of proportion. Until everyone forgets the real issues. Now it’s all about pride and who’ll blink first. Such immaturity! Continue reading →

My dear Jil, yeah I read your mail and was a little disturbed by a statement you made. You said, and I quote, “Bad guys get the good girls!” That’s a dangerous article of faith you’ve stated there and I do hope you don’t believe you’re fated for difficulties. And in any case, there are so many good girls who got good guys, and so many good girls getting good guys. Just as there are many good guys who got good girls, and many good guys getting good girls. By the very nature of statistics there will of course always be an anomaly. There will be some bad guys who get good girls. Just as there will be many bad girls who get good guys, but those are probabilistic issues not rules. And even if the anomaly becomes the rule you must be the exception. Continue reading →

My dear Jack, I want you to listen to me and listen to me real good: You’ll lose this woman if care is not taken. And if you lose her you’ll lose real big. You’ve so driven your wife to the edge of despair that pain has blunted her life and cardinal orientation. She knows no more the North, West, South or East of your matrimonial journey. She’s in that much despair. She’s fighting for her emotional and mental health, and when you drive a woman to that point anything can happen. I’m being real Truth is not always comfortable or politically correct. One day you’ll come home and she’s gone Continue reading →

I’m worried about the technical disqualification of your intended. And I call it technical disqualification because that’s what it is. Did you say your mum is asking you not to marry her just because she’s from another part of the country? Just because she belongs to another tribe, that’s the basis of the disqualification?! Most interesting! As it is, your matrimonial choice is geographically restricted. You’re disqualified from taking a wife from 90% of the ethnic landmass of your country. And of the remaining 10%, only 6% is matrimonially arable. Essentially what your mum is saying is, you can’t look farther than your state of origin for wife. Continue reading →

Dear Jil,

Come on! I’m sure you know better than this. Come on! This guy’s going to make you cry with his infidelity. He’s a serial womanizer with a transit harem disposition. A guy says to you, you’re my “main chick” and you’re still asking if you should stay or quit the relationship! If you’re the main chick, it means there are subsidiary chicks. Your boyfriend is a public liability company (PLC). He has many shareholders. Are you so desperate for a relationship you’ll allow a guy to appellate you with ignominiousness? Perhaps in a perverse sort of way being called a main chick makes you feel special. You’re the main the main! But that’s not the kind of special you want, not if you want a wholesome relationship. The guy is taking you for granted and you’re consoling yourself with nonsense.  Continue reading →

My dear Jack, what kind of partner should you desire in marriage? What type of marriage? I’d say pray for someone who wants you, who’ll be so identified with you she’s you. Two people, one life.  Continue reading →

My dear Jil, here are three common errors concerning marriage. I hope you avoid them.

The first error is the myth of marriage as a difficult thing – that it’s MEANT to be difficult. It’s a lie. That lie has been passed on from generation to generation. It’s gained credence and gathered moss with each passing. The very existence of very happy marriages assaults the veracity of this myth. Don’t adopt it as a philosophy. The myth persists because no one questioned its premises Continue reading →