All Letters

Dear Jack

Look I know there’s all that stuff about wanting to make a woman want you and need you. Women have their own variant too. Indeed both sexes attempt the feat by withholding affection. Continue reading →

Dear Jil,

Judging by all you’ve said, you’ve got a wonderful gentleman. Seems trustworthy to me. But you don’t trust him. There’s a trust “gap” you’ve created… your 10% safety margin. He can’t bridge the gap. There’s virtual resistance. There’s a reservation inside of you – an illogical reservation… a just-in-case! A teeny weeny just-in-case! You find yourself holding back from him, not totally trusting him. Yet there’s no basis for it. Continue reading →

Dear Jack, marriage is a continuous education programme, especially for the man. That’s what Peter said. He said to dwell with your wife with knowledge. Means your marriage will always be an adult education programme. There are fundamental things you need to learn about women in general. (They’re different from us). But there is proprietary knowledge you need to acquire about your wife in particular.

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Dear Jil, the late Arch Bishop Benson Idahosa was a most interesting man. He had all these anecdotes, some so hilarious; but they were nuggets of wisdom. He famously illustrated a piece of wisdom with the story of two Volkswagen Beetles. You have a flat tyre, you drive a Beetle. Your neighbor has an extra tyre, he drives a Beetle. Why pray for tyre, he asked! The lessons are myriad, the simplest being the unnecessary spiritualization of commonsensical situations. And the unnecessary complication of otherwise linear decisions. Now, what I’m going to say to you is going to rub some religious folks the wrong way, but that’s okay.

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Dear Jack, so you want to date a rich older woman? Well, it’s quite ambitious to be honest with you, considering you don’t have much! There’s also the socio-cultural challenge of your environment. It’s going to raise an eyebrow. Even in Europe and America, a substantial age difference will still elicit quiet questions and knowing looks.

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Dear Jil, I can’t over-emphasize this enough: marry someone you love, and who loves you! It doesn’t mean you won’t have quarrels. Couples disagree ever once in every while or less. But the love you have for each other will keep pulling you together. Love has a gravitational pull.

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My dear Jack, you’ve got to rekindle the romance in your marriage. Romance is a conscious thing. It’s not a mood that descends on you at full moon. You’re not a wolf.

Childbirth does have an effect on women in ways men can’t imagine. Creates physiognomic distortion. And some women suffer mentally – Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Giving birth is traumatic. Many women develop permanent marks from childbirth. Some stretch marks don’t erase. Stretch marks depend on heredity. They occur when the collagen and elastin in the skin stretch beyond snapping back.

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I saw a wedding picture posted on Twitter the other day. Perhaps you’ve seen it too. The groom is dressed in a chiffon cape, had a silver crown on his head. His shirt, if we can still call it that, looked more like a blouse. It had a blue trimming of ribbon. To be honest the man looked more like the bride than a groom. He out-brided his own bride.

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WARNING: SOME EXPLICIT CONTENT

Dear Jack, of course physical attraction matters in a relationship. Life is not generic. We all have our taste. Don’t listen to those who over-spiritualise relationship. They’ll spiritualise Pure Water. Attraction matters! It’s dangerous to marry someone you’re not attracted to. You’ll set yourself up for sexual frustration.

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My dear Jil, you have to forgive your father, otherwise you’ll jeopardise your marriage.

There’s a special bond between fathers and daughters. It’s why fathers are protective of their daughters. It is also why daughters are especially hurt when fathers offend the unspecified expectations of that bond. Without forgiveness that offence is carried over into marriage, but it’s buried deep in the psyche. It’s triggered by fears, and similitudes of past offences and experiences. Then comes over-reaction.

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