All Letters

I don’t know if you’ve ever met an angered woman. No, I’m not talking of a pugnacious, truculent or quarrelsome woman with feisty temperament. I’m talking about a woman angered by her husband. It’s a state of being. She’s just had enough. You’ll find this with some women in their fifties. They’ve taken enough. They’ve become totally rebellious to the idea of their marriage. They reduce it to dutiful proportions. They’re tired of being cheated on, being spit upon, tired of their husband not believing enough in them. They’re tired of men bullying them with wealth or status, degrading their gender. They determinedly decide to carve out an independent identity for themselves. They don’t want divorce, though some have been pushed into taking that decision. They just want to be.

Dear Jack, two friends got married. One became successful, the other struggled to succeed. Yet both their marriages failed. Moral: both success and failure can produce a failed marriage. We tend to imagine only lack can break a marriage, but success can also break a marriage. It’s sad but true. Partners have to be mindful of the effect of success on their marriage.

My dear Jil, let me tell you a little bit about life. It’s important you understand life. I’ll tell you a little story. There were four friends, all female, all beautiful. Each was building her business, and each turned out successful. They were all married by the way. Let’s call them Mrs. A, B,C & D. They had this friend. He travelled out of the country. He kind of bound them together. They wouldn’t see him for the next ten years. They didn’t communicate in those ten years. Why? Life can be like that. It’s strange but true. There was no reason they didn’t communicate for ten years. No reason in particular. It wasn’t as if there was a quarrel. It just seemed their friendship was for a time and a place, something like a program. The program got suspended.

My dear Jack, I must confess I read your mail with a tinge of sadness. How do you do that to a woman? You dated this young woman for two years, all the while sleeping with her and impregnating her. And now she’s suddenly no good for you. Meanwhile you were the one who insisted she keep the pregnancy. There must be something I’m not getting… And this is not about the dialectics of abortion or no abortion. That’s not the issue here. The issue is, why would you insist a girl keep a pregnancy when you have no intention of marrying her? You impregnated her to have a child or what? You wanted the child but didn’t want her? Or were you confused when you insisted she must have the child? An independent observer would want to know your exact intention. The pregnancy is to what end? And especially given the things you said about her.

My dear Jil, one of the most painful things in life is when a young man or woman seeks counsel on a life issue, is given sound advice but then decides to follow the contrary; only to write a few years later with regrets for not following the advice. But the damage is done. A young man or woman who is wise in his or her own eyes and so refuses to take counsel and tow the path of wisdom is a painful episode to watch.

My dear wonderful Jil, you can’t inherit a man. That you’re friends with someone doesn’t automatically mean he must marry you. It’s still his choice who he chooses to date.

Listen Jack, I know it’s tough out there. Young men and women are facing so much discouragement. I get where you are. And I understand why your mail contains so much negativism. There’s despair. But I don’t want you to lose hope. You can’t lose hope. If it’s any comfort there’s no successful individual who hasn’t had moments of despair. Despair generates depression and fear. The fear comes as we project into the future but can’t see beyond present circumstances. We can’t see any turn of events.

My dear Jil, I think you’ll be making a huge mistake if you go ahead and marry this gentleman. The issues will only get magnified in marriage. He’s not satisfied with you, you’re trying to adjust furiously, you’re not really yourself in the relationship. And in spite of all the adjustments things are still not okay. No adjustment can cure the fundamental problem in this relationship. And the fundamental issue is, you don’t love him, you just want to marry. You’re tired of waiting for Mr. Right. That’s never a good basis for a marriage. Essentially you’re marrying any man. It could have been anybody within a certain range. There’s no proprietary affection. Here’s the problem with such arrangement: once the wedding is over your strategic objective is fulfilled. There’s incentive for wedding, no incentive for marriage. But you have to cope with marriage. You don’t wed and walk out. It’s not wise to marry someone you don’t love. It soon shows in marriage. After some point you’ll get irritated. The alternative is for you to put up with the situation but that’s risking your emotional health. You’ll be flirting with depression.

My dear Jack, you’re subjecting yourself to all sorts of spiritual influence. I already told you this marriage divination thing is not in the Bible. Your pastor should not be functioning as Ifa or juju priest divining who you should marry. I belong to the Christian faith and I find no such thing in the Bible. It’s extra-curricular and if I were you I’ll be careful about extracurricular stuff. Of course you’re going to start having funny dreams through the power of suggestion. Don’t you find it curious that before this spiritual consultation you never had such dreams? What is troubling about the whole issue is that you’ve inserted fear into your relationship. If you go ahead with the wedding and you dash your foot against a stone during honeymoon you’ll attribute it to those dreams. And if there’s late conception in your marriage you’re going to attribute it to what your spiritual consultants warned you about.

My dear Jack, there are two capacities you must develop if you want to make a success of your relationship and indeed life. You must develop capacity for introspection and capacity for critical self-analysis. The two are not the same. By introspection I mean the ability to look inward, to consider your life, your direction; to see where you’re coming from, know where you are, where you want to go. It’s a meditative exercise, sort of. Doesn’t mean you have to lock up yourself in a room cross legged, breathing methodically. It’s just having some quiet in your inner self, seeing things through your inner eyes. It’s not meant to be a pity party either. Introspection is neutral in emotion. It’s not about feeling sorry for yourself. It’s simply looking inside. Introspection allows us to see the need for a plan. It doesn’t come up with the plan but it will give you an awareness of the need for a plan. Planning requires rational energy. That’s not the energy employed by introspection. It uses a different form of energy. Introspection doesn’t sweat. It has a coolant.