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My dear Jack, at some point you’ll have to ask yourself what your wife really wants. Note that it’s not a generic thing common to all women. It’s something peculiar to her, something particularly her. When you know what that thing is – and chances are she’ll have told you in one of your conversations, then you have to look at the implications, understand the implications. If your wife for example tells you she “just wants to be happy,” commonsense dictates that’s not giddiness she’s talking about. It’s something deep, probably goes to her childhood. One implication is that she can’t handle strife at home. Some people are good at malice. They keep malice for months, and even years. Not her. For her, quarrels have to be resolved speedily. The more quarrels drag on the unhappier she becomes. It can break her down. She just can’t handle strife. Such a person can’t be vindictive of course. Vindictive people are retaliatory. They will do things to injure, hurt or spite their partner. Not her. Find out what your wife really wants, know the implications, respond to it. If you do every other thing and don’t fulfil that desire all your effort will count for nothing.

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My dear Jil, I quite understand where you are… I do understand. If it’s not real, it’s not really temptation. You don’t tempt an alcoholic with water for example. If it’s not alcohol it can’t be temptation to him. Same thing goes for you. If hunger for affection isn’t your vulnerability this won’t be temptation to you. Our temptations define our vulnerabilities. What we’re tempted with is where we’re vulnerable. Your desire for this married man shows your vulnerability. Also gives you some knowledge about yourself – your capacities. A few years ago you’d have thought this was unthinkable. And so you have intelligence about yourself – shows you what you need to be careful about. Your emotions are your weak spot.

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My dear Jack, part of my responsibility as mentor is to share life experiences with you, share life principles. The whole idea is to prevent you from making my mistakes, help you avoid the missteps of others, and to turbocharge your journey. Mentoring gives you tuition. Better to learn by tuition than through experience. Experience can be very costly, even deadly. Not everyone survives experience. If you’re eliminated in the process of learning the knowledge does you no good.

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Jil, the challenge you have is that you’re sending out the wrong vibes. You’re giving the impression you don’t want a relationship when in fact you want one. You’re dismissive in attitude, portray a picture of self sufficiency and therefore have no need of a guy. Guys are reading those cues and staying away. What do you expect? It would be foolhardy of any guy to approach you given the vibes you’re sending out. You’re making it clear you don’t want a relationship. No guy wants to embark on a fool’s errand. Continue reading

My dear Jil, you have to be smarter about life. You have to be wise about your relationship. You must protect your marriage. Evil communication corrodes good manners. As that African proverb says, the sheep that fellowships with wild dogs will take on the habits of wild dogs.

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My dear Jack, you’re not being wise, are you? Your girlfriend suffers bouts of insecurity and you proceed to regal her with tales about your last girlfriend?! Even if your girlfriend doesn’t have bouts of insecurity why would you be telling her about the wonderfulness of your last relationship? Aren’t old things passed away? Of course she’s bound to think you’re still in love with her. What else do you want her to think? And women are very sensitive to that question: Are you still with her or not? Continue reading

My dear Jack, you should aim for a fantastic relationship with your wife, your marriage shouldn’t be perfunctory, mechanical or humdrum. That’s terrible for a young marriage. Marriage ought to be fun. There ought to be happiness, or what’s the point! I’m assuming of course you guys love each other. A marriage doesn’t make sense without love. You’ll be locked up in a mechanical contraption with someone you have no affection for. Continue reading

My dear Jil, there are things that create relationship. Just as there are things that destroy relationship. If you want a relationship you have to do the things that create relationship. What you’re doing will destroy your relationship. And they will destroy any marriage from within. There are marriages that implode without a single fight.

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My dear Jack, the reason you fell into this trap is because you dated without recourse to reference. What do I mean by that? It’s like when you apply for a job. Your new employer will write your old employer for an opinion about you. You’re also asked to provide referees. These are not just formalities. They’re sources of intelligence. At that point in time those referees know more about you than what your new employer could have extracted in interviews. If you’re a crook for example your old employer will say. And if you were a wonderful staff your old employer will make powerful recommendation. The system bridges the knowledge gap for your new employer. It’s professional courtesy from one employer to another.

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My dear Jil, I can understand why your friends want to marry a ready-made man. They don’t want to struggle, don’t want inconvenience. The truth however is that most of the girls in your set won’t marry a ready-made guy. The statistics can’t support that desire. The ratios of life won’t support it. At the starting block of life for your set there will be more broke guys than guys who have succeeded. Available ready-made men will tend to be widowers, divorcees or older gentlemen. Overnight success is a rare phenomenon. It’s even an anomaly. It’s more likely a “ready-made” guy in your generation is reliant on family fortune. He has to maintain that inheritance, grow it; or he’ll be overtaken by serious-minded disadvantaged guys. They eventually find their feet. It happens all the time. And people throw away family fortune. That’s probably because they didn’t experience the circumstances that produced the fortune. If you work hard for it you don’t fritter it away.

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