All Letters

Dear Jil, the reason you’re having these challenges is because you were used to staying alone. You married late.

You’re used to taking decisions without consultation. You’ll need to make adjustments. Don’t forget you had almost resigned yourself to spinsterhood when this man came along. Why stay out for so long only to wreck the marriage when the opportunity came along! It’s worth saving your marriage. And why shouldn’t it work! You have age on your side. With age comes appreciation of the graciousness of life. With age also comes maturity, and a considerate approach to marriage.

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Dear Jack, let me tell you how to get into trouble after marriage: Keep in touch with your ex girlfriend!

What are you doing?! Why are you scouring for trouble? You know she still has feelings for you. Why are you texting and calling her, speaking in that low sensitive tone as if you never married? It almost always begins with a “How are you?” A stiff “I’m fine, You?” “So so!” That’s at 9am. Then at 1pm your mind wanders. Now you want to know how she’s doing in her new unit at work. As the Good Samaritan you just want to make sure her feelings are okay; you know, smooth things over… Then she asks if you’ve eaten. You smile. Kind of reminds you of old times. You smile again. Sheepish smile. Then her ping comes an hour later, followed by “Missing you!” You hesitate, but to be polite you send back “Missing u 2!” And the texts proceed along that corridor, throw in one or two borderline comments and jokes. Then it becomes “Let me buy you a drink. For old times sake.”

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My dear Jil, you married a young man in his prime. His sexual demands are in consonance with his age. It is not for nothing that the God who created the sexes says couples should not deny each other sex. I suspect that was coded more for the benefit of the man than the woman, and you’ll see why.

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Dear Jack, I want you to take a sheet of paper and draw three circles. In the first circle write “Vocation”. In the second write “Relationship”. In the third write “God”. Those are the three circles you need to mind if you want all round success. Continue reading →

Dear Jil, in my brief history in this world my eyes have cognized the strange and my ears have audiblized the unimaginable. The evil capacities of man and the horrible inventions of his heart are feats of incredulity. How do you explain the phenomenon I term Matrimonial Thuggery?

When a man of means uses his wealth to snatch away the wife of a young man that’s matrimonial thuggery. He could have any single woman who’s so inclined if he so desires, but he’d rather muscle a young man out of his consolation. If a woman of means, by means – any means, snatches away the husband of a young bride it’s matrimonial thuggery too. There are stories of matrimonial thuggery that are so confrontational and so brazen they could only be inspired by Beelzebub.

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My dear Jack, we are all looking for different things in women. If you’ve found what you’re looking for, what are you still looking for?

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Dear Jil, I’m sure you’ve heard the classic story of the couple who got divorced because of toothpaste administration. The man presses the toothpaste tube in the middle, the wife from the base.

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My dear Jack,

You want to pop the question?! 🙂 Well you’ve got to make it special. But first things first. Continue reading →

Dear Jil,

I am worried for the life of your sister. She’s in a horrible and terribly abusive marriage; and why is everyone playing religious ostrich? If anything untoward happens to her would you not all bear moral responsibility for her death? Continue reading →

Dear Jack,

Proximity breeds thoughts about the possibility of a relationship. If you’re very close to someone the thought will cross your mind at one point or the other. You view your relationship with your lady friend as pure because there’s no “ulterior motive”. But the woman is asking herself: If we get along this much and you feel this comfortable around me, why isn’t I The One? She’s in a “reverse friends zone”.

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