My dear Jil, initials are not enough. By initials I mean the things you did to attract each other, the state of the relationship when you met, leading up to marriage. You must realise there are two eras in a relationship. There’s the premarital state and the post-marital state. The rules that govern them differ. Continue reading
My dear Jack, you can’t know someone in the space of two months. It’s just impossible. There are layers to humans. It’s therefore not advisable to make a marriage commitment to someone in a space of just two months. You hardly know the person. That’s not saying marriages contracted within two months can’t work, it’s just that the success of that marriage is largely dependent on the inherent character of the people, as opposed to adequate knowledge of partner. Continue reading
My dear Jil, what I’m about to tell you will not be popular in certain quarters, but I owe you a duty to tell you the truth. And anyway you have to take personal responsibility for your marriage and not subject yourself to groupthink. You’re going to create a fault line in your marriage if you continue jumping from one church programme to another irrespective of your marriage. You’re neglecting your marital duties. The kind of fault line I’m talking about is usually thin, hardly visible to the naked eye, but it runs deep! Continue reading
It doesn’t matter. That’s a phrase you have to get used to in your head. If you want to have a good marriage there are things that just must not matter.
There are two levels of agreement in marriage. There’s vocalised/actioned consensus. Then there’s viewpoint. It’s non-vocalised. It’s just in your head. Your husband will do some things you don’t agree with, or say some things you don’t agree with. You can’t be in agreement over EVERYTHING. There will be different perspectives. Continue reading
My dear Jack, it’s about being concerned for each other, being committed to each other’s welfare and progress. Every marriage has a potential history embedded. And things will play out over the years. There’s the very fact of the marriage itself but then there are all sorts of things that will go on in individual lives. For instance, she has her work and you have yours. Different things happen at work. If you love her you’ll support her to succeed at what she does, just as she owes you support too.
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My dear Jil, we underestimate the importance of happiness in marriage. You shouldn’t go into a marriage in which you’re not going to be happy. It’s horrendous. You will be frustrated beyond measure, unable to communicate what’s really eating you up.
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“My dear Jil, it’s our wedding anniversary. As usual I have decided to pen a missive to you. It’s a diarisation of my appreciation, a documentation of the state of my heart, a gesture of gratitude.
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My dear Jack, every relationship has an equilibrium base. It’s a place of tranquillity, a place of rest. At that equilibrium there’s peace in a relationship, there’s harmony, there’s joy.
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Dear Jack, a marriage can quickly become stale as a couple “settles down.” Anything stale and mouldy can’t be good. As with bread so is marriage. Yes, the courtship stage is over but it’s important to keep the momentum in marriage, even if it’s not exactly same quality. Life can be terribly busy but you have to create special occasions. You have to enjoy yourselves as a couple. Life will never end. It just keeps going and it will outlast you. You can’t overtake life. So sometimes, it’s best to get off the bus as a couple, get away from the chores of life and enjoy yourselves. The responsibilities of life never end. You have to create space to be a couple. It can be anything from going to the movies, to going for a drink together, to going to an informal party or hosting one.
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