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Choosing a partner

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I assume you’re taking all necessary precautions to protect your family from Coronavirus. You should reach out to your parents by phone since you can’t visit them on account of the lockdown. Continue reading

The logic of relationships

My dear Jil, the desires of our life naturally present their own logic. This is more so in relationships. But we don’t always factor in the logic of our desire. Continue reading

My dear Jack and Jil, I present a few nuggets from my letters to you this year. Here they are: Continue reading

My dear Jil, seems you want to eat your cake and have it. Keeping two lives on hold allows you to have it both ways while claiming you’re trying to choose. Flip the coin the other way and see how it works. What if a guy while dating you decides he now wants to decide between you and his ex, but the ex was not in the picture when you started your relationship. How will that feel? But that’s exactly what you’re trying to do to your boyfriend. Continue reading

My dear Jack, you can’t know someone in the space of two months. It’s just impossible. There are layers to humans. It’s therefore not advisable to make a marriage commitment to someone in a space of just two months. You hardly know the person. That’s not saying marriages contracted within two months can’t work, it’s just that the success of that marriage is largely dependent on the inherent character of the people, as opposed to adequate knowledge of partner. Continue reading

My dear Jil, if there’s a prayer every father should pray for his daughter, it is, “May you not know a bad marriage.” The trauma of a bad marriage is unimaginable. And there are different layers to that trauma. Continue reading

Dear Jack, yes, you said as much. You said she’s attractive. But let me tell you a little bit about that in marriage. You get used to it. Because you don’t live together now, you don’t see her every day. And so that attractiveness commands a premium. Law of scarcity. It increases value. But in marriage it’s not going to be like that. You’re going to see her every day – see her without make up, see her perform hygiene ablutions… You won’t see her in the perfect state you see her now. Continue reading

My dear Jack, it’s a very rare family that will allow you to date two sisters successively. You were interested in the older sister but you went for the younger once the older one travelled out of the country. Which should make you question what you really want? Was it her you wanted or just a woman? Any woman seemed to fit your bill, including her younger sister. If you didn’t have an awful relationship with that younger sister this discussion will be moot. You won’t be mailing me. It’s because that relationship broke up you renewed your interest in the elder sister.

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My dear Jil, it would seem you and your boyfriend are coming from two opposing finance philosophies. You have two different finance personalities and perspectives. You’re prudent and believe in financial planning. He’s not. You’re conservative concerning finance. He has a laissez-faire attitude towards finance, believes things will somehow take care of themselves. He projects on future earnings. Which means he gets into a credit situation today hoping to plug the hole with future earnings. And so he spends his salary to the limit, banking on payday. And if there’s any problem with payday, he borrows money using his paycheck as collateral. In other words, you live within your means, he lives beyond his means, literally. That’s the simple deduction.

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My dear Jack, you’re obviously not who she wants. She’s holding out for someone. But like they say, a bird in hand is worth two in the bush, so she maintains relationship with you but won’t promise marriage. She can’t make such commitment because you’re not what she wants. You’ve been dating for a year now and she won’t talk marriage – not even preliminary bits. And she’s told you she’s not promising marriage. Maybe you both need to sit down and define what exactly this relationship is.

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