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My dear Jil, the reason you keep having arguments and unending quarrels in this relationship is because of your disposition. You’re not balancing your needs with his needs. Continue reading

The logic of relationships

My dear Jil, the desires of our life naturally present their own logic. This is more so in relationships. But we don’t always factor in the logic of our desire. Continue reading

My dear Jack and Jil, I present a few nuggets from my letters to you this year. Here they are: Continue reading

My dear Jack, our matrimonial desires are sometimes regulated by our circumstances. As a young bachelor for example two of your most pressing issues will be loneliness and the need for proprietorship. By proprietorship I mean the desire to have someone you can call your own. Your loneliness will make you vulnerable to anyone who’s available. You’re thus prone to any woman who makes herself available in time and attention. You have to be careful about being fated by your situation, allowing your future to be determined by temporary conditions. Your matrimonial decision can’t just be based on ameliorating your physical loneliness. You have to consider other factors. Continue reading

My dear Jil, it would seem you and your boyfriend are coming from two opposing finance philosophies. You have two different finance personalities and perspectives. You’re prudent and believe in financial planning. He’s not. You’re conservative concerning finance. He has a laissez-faire attitude towards finance, believes things will somehow take care of themselves. He projects on future earnings. Which means he gets into a credit situation today hoping to plug the hole with future earnings. And so he spends his salary to the limit, banking on payday. And if there’s any problem with payday, he borrows money using his paycheck as collateral. In other words, you live within your means, he lives beyond his means, literally. That’s the simple deduction.

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My dear Jack, you’re obviously not who she wants. She’s holding out for someone. But like they say, a bird in hand is worth two in the bush, so she maintains relationship with you but won’t promise marriage. She can’t make such commitment because you’re not what she wants. You’ve been dating for a year now and she won’t talk marriage – not even preliminary bits. And she’s told you she’s not promising marriage. Maybe you both need to sit down and define what exactly this relationship is.

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My dear Jil, he’s a chipmunk! That’s what he is! You know about chipmunks? They have an interesting quality. They have three-day memories. They can’t remember much beyond three days. So when they store food and don’t retrieve it before three days, they begin to scurry about searching for where they kept the food, desperately.

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My dear Jil, my belated New Year greetings! Was out of town. How are you and how are you doing? Apart from the issues you raised in your letter.

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My dear Jack, it’s about being concerned for each other, being committed to each other’s welfare and progress. Every marriage has a potential history embedded. And things will play out over the years. There’s the very fact of the marriage itself but then there are all sorts of things that will go on in individual lives. For instance, she has her work and you have yours. Different things happen at work. If you love her you’ll support her to succeed at what she does, just as she owes you support too.
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My dear Jil, remember that couple we spoke about, the man and woman with beatific marriage? Well, when I asked him why he loved her so much his answers proved telling. There’s an ease about her, he says. Things are so easy. There’s a fit between them. It’s kind of hard to explain. It’s why he says relationships must not be enforced or forced. Continue reading

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