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Letter to Jil

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Desperate Measures

My dear Jil, loneliness can be difficult, very difficult. But it can also turn deadly. If you’ve been waiting for a man for some time it can drive you to do things you won’t ordinarily contemplate. Continue reading

The Power of Agreement

My dear Jil, one of the critical mechanics of a good marriage is agreement. And I’m not just talking situational agreement on specific issues. I’m talking about agreement on life philosophy, values, doctrine and concept of family. These are things that produce harmony.

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My dear Jil, I understand where you’re coming from. I’m not the condemning type. I understand how we can be so messed up by our desires and passions. Everyone is susceptible. It’s why you diligently guard your heart. Continue reading

Jil morning! Let’s quickly do an exercise. I want you to draw four boxes on a piece of paper, number them 1,2,3,4. You’re going to write some names in those boxes so make them fairly big. Label Box 1 “Very Difficult”, Box 2 “Difficult”, Box 3 “Easy”’ Box 4 “Very Easy.” Continue reading

My dear Jil, this is not marriage. Whatever it is you have violates the essence of marriage. Is a bed of nails really a bed? Yes, it looks like one but can it support comfortable sleep? One might as well sleep on the floor. It will be more comfortable. Only an Indian mystic will fancy a bed of nails; but even for him it will be more about proving a point, and for a short period of time. No mystic permanently sleeps on a bed of nails. Continue reading

My dear Jil, you have to be mindful of the philosophy you subscribe to for your marriage. There are all sorts of crazy stuff out there. Some advice are whimsical delusions of the demonic variety. You don’t whimsically start trouble in your home for no reason. And then you send a fleshly visual as compensation to your man after disturbing his peace. What kind of unfortunate advice is that?! It’s radioactive. The advice betrays a lack of understanding about the makeup of men. It’s a misbegotten permutation of affection – crass manipulativeness disguised as love game. It belongs to movies. It’s the S&M variant of affection. You follow that advice you’re going to wreck your marriage. You should at least examine the soundness of a marital advice before executing it. Continue reading

My dear Jil, English language is a poor arbiter of certain expressions relative to native tongue. It just lacks capacity for certain imageries, can’t express full depths of meaning. Take the word translated “fool” in the Solomonic text, “The fool hath said in his heart there is no God.” When you read the West African Yoruba translation there’s a wide berth. The word “fool” is translated “asiwere.” Transliterated, “asiwere” means “local manufacturer of a variety of madness that manifests in grimy half nakedness in the market square – the type of madness that has gone beyond accommodation by family members. It knows no bounds.” How can the word, “fool” convey such depth of meaning? English language is poorly endowed for such cultural depth. It lacks capacity. Continue reading

My dear Jil, you’re thinking short term but when it comes to marriage you have to think long term.

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My dear Jil, I quite understand where you are… I do understand. If it’s not real, it’s not really temptation. You don’t tempt an alcoholic with water for example. If it’s not alcohol it can’t be temptation to him. Same thing goes for you. If hunger for affection isn’t your vulnerability this won’t be temptation to you. Our temptations define our vulnerabilities. What we’re tempted with is where we’re vulnerable. Your desire for this married man shows your vulnerability. Also gives you some knowledge about yourself – your capacities. A few years ago you’d have thought this was unthinkable. And so you have intelligence about yourself – shows you what you need to be careful about. Your emotions are your weak spot.

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Jil, the challenge you have is that you’re sending out the wrong vibes. You’re giving the impression you don’t want a relationship when in fact you want one. You’re dismissive in attitude, portray a picture of self sufficiency and therefore have no need of a guy. Guys are reading those cues and staying away. What do you expect? It would be foolhardy of any guy to approach you given the vibes you’re sending out. You’re making it clear you don’t want a relationship. No guy wants to embark on a fool’s errand. Continue reading

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