Tag Archives: Marriage

Dear Jack, there’s that mistaken belief marriage is a one-way traffic system, not a two-lane highway. If you stick to that erroneous belief and start exercising one-sided faith in your relationship, your emotions will be at risk. Continue reading →

My dear Jil, the notion of rights without responsibility defeats the very purpose of a relationship. You can’t have expectations of your spouse or partner and not imagine you owe him responsibilities too. A relationship conceptually breaks down when one side expects but has no sense of obligation to the other party. That is not the formula for a happy marriage or happy ending. It’s not a balance-sheet, it’s a one-sided ledger. And it’s a debit system. Someone keeps withdrawing from the emotional bank of the relationship, never deposits. Continue reading →

Jack, something is bothering you and you need to discuss whatever it is with your wife. You can’t be having irregular sex with your wife at wide intervals and not expect her to wonder why. It’s usually the men who complain of not enough sex but in your instance it’s your wife complaining. You’re away from town on your job all week, sometimes all month. That’s your life as an oil-rig engineer. It makes sense therefore that when you come home, it will be a fun-filled and sexually fulfilling weekend. But the sex in your marriage is almost quarterly now, like a corporate account. That can’t bode well for a young marriage. Continue reading →

My dear Jack, look, you’re only dating this babe because she’s what’s available not what you really want. It’s like going to all those secondary school dance events in those days and all the girls are taken, except this one girl. Well, that’s the only “choice” you have so you dance with her and strike up conversation. But you soon become shackled to her when your friends begin to talk about you and her, ribbing you. And that’s how you find yourself in a “relationship” you never really wanted. Social pressure. You’re lonely. She’s available. That’s all there is to this relationship. Her sole value to you is utilitarian. Other things being equal you wouldn’t date her. You’re not attracted to her and she has traits you don’t like. But she’s lonely and you’re lonely, hence relationship.  Continue reading →

My dear Jack, my letters to you are designed to cause a paradigm shift. If you don’t change your thinking you can’t produce different results. Some of the philosophies we subscribe to are deleterious to matrimonial peace and conjugal harmony. The unified assault on matrimony can only be affronted by a counter-philosophic vanguard. Marriage ought to be joy, it ought to be happiness. It’s not supposed to be full of difficulty and pain. You now have total access to the one you love, the one you don’t want to do without. Why should that become sorrow! If you don’t jettison the idea of marriage as difficulty your faith will keep generating that product. Continue reading →

My dear Jack, sometimes we think we can use matrimony to force-convert a bad relationship. We imagine bolting the door with a matrimonial padlock. We want to use fait accompli to tame the wild beast inside. We imagine proceeding a relationship – in which the parties are constantly bickering – to marriage will force accommodation. But life’s numerous case studies say otherwise – that we’re only incubating the evil day. The destructive forces locked up in that relationship will eventually blow the door of the matrimony to splinters. If at all, marriage only makes such relationships worse. It locks up two disagreeable people in an intimate space. That’s a recipe for disaster. Continue reading →

My dear Jil, waoh! You managed to break every rule in the book on how to have a happy marriage! The genesis was of course the pregnancy out of wedlock; but then you compounded it like a banker compounding interest. You went on to marry a man you’d only known for two months, just to rehabilitate out-of-wedlock pregnancy. That’s a mistake families keep insisting on. And they think it’s the way to hang responsibility for pregnancy on a guy. Continue reading →

My dear Jil,

There has to be agreeability in a relationship if it’s ever going to work. Both you and your husband must be agreeable, and achingly want your marriage to work if it’s going to work. You must desire the marriage. That desire has a magnetic quality to it. It’s a virtual marital glue. It binds souls together. There’s a difference between being in a marriage and being in a happy marriage. In a happy marriage the love is a non-negotiable. There can be differences of viewpoints on certain issues but both of you maintain agreeability. There can be disagreement without disagreeability. Continue reading →

Relationship requires maturity. It’s why marriage is for men and not boys. Without maturity there will be emotional brickbats in a relationship. Such a relationship will trace the virtual paths of a yoyo. Up today, down tomorrow. Moods, temperament, anger, malice… these are pointers to the issue of emotional maturity in your relationship. And so because of a disagreement she withdraws to a corner and you become annoyed with the fact that she did. And so you withdraw in anger too. And soon it escalates as molehills are geologically blown out of proportion. Until everyone forgets the real issues. Now it’s all about pride and who’ll blink first. Such immaturity! Continue reading →

My dear Jack, I want you to listen to me and listen to me real good: You’ll lose this woman if care is not taken. And if you lose her you’ll lose real big. You’ve so driven your wife to the edge of despair that pain has blunted her life and cardinal orientation. She knows no more the North, West, South or East of your matrimonial journey. She’s in that much despair. She’s fighting for her emotional and mental health, and when you drive a woman to that point anything can happen. I’m being real Truth is not always comfortable or politically correct. One day you’ll come home and she’s gone Continue reading →