All Letters

My dear Jil, I’ve thought about it. You must be quick to forgive in marriage, not just forgive. How? You just forgive and get on with the rest of your marriage, that’s how. Once you’ve discussed the issue and made your grievance known, just move on. And the only reason you’re vocalising your grievance is so your partner knows what he did doesn’t sit well with you. It’s informational. Because he loves you he’ll avoid a repeat. He’s now conscious of what you don’t like. You’re not telling him you don’t like what he did because you want a fight, or to provoke him or get at him, or to prove a point. That’s shouldn’t be your objective. If that’s your objective you’re working against peace in your marriage. That’s not the point in pointing out an issue to your partner. You must both learn to discuss an issue and move on. That gives marriage continuity without pregnant comas. Continue reading →

My dear Jack, the concept of a woman is most intriguing. For you to appreciate her you have to step out of that relationship and look at her like a scientist.

A woman is capable of a certain level of loyalty because her emotions are bound in her decisions. Men lack that level of capacity. Which is not saying men can’t be loyal. It’s just that a man’s loyalty is based on a different set of criteria – self-interest and principle. It’s wholly rational. But a woman’s loyalty is different. If she’s with you she’s with you. For the most it takes actively pushing her away, or doing something very hurtful to do away with that loyalty. And so when a woman hitches her wagon to a man, it’s a rather serious thing. Continue reading →

My dear Jil, I’ll advise you learn not to incubate ill feelings in your relationship. It can be dangerous in marriage. Why don’t you just call your partner, sit down with him and discuss whatever the issue is? The longer you leave an issue the more it festers. It’s like a pore fungus in a culture dish. It’ll just keep growing and multiplying. And when emotions are layered on a perceived offence you have something serious and potentially dangerous brewing. Continue reading →

My dear Jack, our matrimonial desires are sometimes regulated by our circumstances. As a young bachelor for example two of your most pressing issues will be loneliness and the need for proprietorship. By proprietorship I mean the desire to have someone you can call your own. Your loneliness will make you vulnerable to anyone who’s available. You’re thus prone to any woman who makes herself available in time and attention. You have to be careful about being fated by your situation, allowing your future to be determined by temporary conditions. Your matrimonial decision can’t just be based on ameliorating your physical loneliness. You have to consider other factors. Continue reading →

My dear Jil, there’s such a thing as loyalty in marriage. Couples must be loyal to each other. You cover your husband’s shame in marriage. You don’t expose him to ridicule in difficult times. You don’t offer him to derision. That’s not wise. Continue reading →

Dear Jack, I think it’s about that saying about knowing how to be abased and how to abound. Finance is a major thing in marriage. I’ve told you that before. Not properly handled it can dislocate a marriage.  It’s wise to know where your wife is coming from. It will help you understand her attitude to some things. You can see for example that she’s particular about financial security for the family. It’s because of what she deems her father’s mistakes. When you know where your wife is coming from you will have insight into her motivations and fears. For instance she’s against relatives coming to stay over during vacation. That’s coming from somewhere, she’s not being difficult. Continue reading →

My dear Jil, I commiserate with you on the loss of your baby boy. The loss of a child is not easy. It breaks human will. There’s a correspondent ache without pain. You’re numb, just numb, feel nothing. It’s a tough thing. Losing a child can be so tough on a marriage. There’s all that guilt and anger…emotional unavailability… These are raw emotions. Grieving requires a channel. It must be ousted. It’s why it’s good to cry. It’s a catharsis of the soul. The bile is emptied out as we inconsolably vent our pain. Grieving for a lost child can be tough on marriage. The frustration of reaching out for that which is no more can cause one to lash out at those proximate.
Unfortunately, those proximate to us are our loved ones, the ones sent to comfort us. And so we punish them for their love in our grief. Continue reading →

My dear Jack, it seems quite simple. Some things just require simple processing. Your girlfriend can’t cook. Ok. These are your options: date someone who can cook if it’s a big deal for you, outsource cooking, cook yourself, eat out, or if she wants to learn get her a tutor. Or eat her bland offering in love. Those are your options. The ones I can think of. The analysis seems straightforward. But here’s what I think is the challenge: you’re the traditional type who wants to marry a modern girl. That’s going to lead to some issues. Expectations on both sides will be out of whack. She’ll expect you to understand, step in or take ameliorating steps. You on the other hand, will expect her to change. Trouble ahead.

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My dear Jil, I’m not exactly sure what you want from this gentleman. It’s been one complaint after another. Not exactly sure what you want him to do about the issues you raised. It’s either you’re going to accept him with his background or you’re not going to. You’ve got to make up your mind. You count it against the young man his parents went through divorce. But how exactly is that his fault, or his business? Boy met girl. Boy married girl. Boy and girl couldn’t work it out. Boy and girl got divorced. How is that the fault of their children? Why label the children?

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Dear Jack, to be honest with you, I find the whole thing a bit troubling. And on many levels. I’m not saying you shouldn’t take advice on marital issues. You should, discriminatorily. But you have to take responsibility for your life. You’re already thirty.

You have this woman you’ve been dating. You clearly love her and she loves you too. You’re hoping to marry soon. Suddenly, out of the woodwork come all these accusations about her. There are sudden proclamations of her unfitness as a bride by certain members of your family. The logical response to a levelled accusation is requirement of proof – facts that can be corroborated. So far none has been offered. All you have are anecdotal proclamations – opinions essentially. Opinions can be dangerous. Opinions don’t require proof. Everyone is entitled to one even if it amounts to a lie.

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