Letter to Jack

My dear Jack, I don’t get it. You mean you’ve dated your girlfriend for four years and your friends are still insisting you’re rushing into marriage! You’re lucky a more focused candidate or credible alternative hasn’t shown up. You’d have lost her. She’s either a very patient person, or she loves you very dearly or both. Either way, you’re a lucky man.

So how long do you want to date her before you marry her? Or is this a case of perpetual dating, you know, being in a state of date. What exactly do you need to find out about her that you’ve not found out in four years of dating? That question may imply you’re thick, unobservant, negligent or lacking in the capacity for insight. If you don’t know your girlfriend after four years of dating, I’m really not sure you’ll ever know her. You mustn’t be paying much attention or she’s a very good actress. Some people are very talented no doubt but it’s hard to keep a ruse up for four years with utmost constancy. That requires inspired capacity.

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My dear Jack, it’s a very rare family that will allow you to date two sisters successively. You were interested in the older sister but you went for the younger once the older one travelled out of the country. Which should make you question what you really want? Was it her you wanted or just a woman? Any woman seemed to fit your bill, including her younger sister. If you didn’t have an awful relationship with that younger sister this discussion will be moot. You won’t be mailing me. It’s because that relationship broke up you renewed your interest in the elder sister.

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My dear Jack, this is a casus belli situation. In case you don’t know what “casus belli” is, it’s a Latin expression meaning an act or event that provokes or is used to justify war. Perhaps you don’t realise it but you’re turning this issue into casus belli – a provocation scheme or justification for war. You’ve already had a discussion on the issue, drop it! The answers you got may not be adequate but they’re a reflection of your girlfriend’s portrait of you. She’s fessed up but you’re still driving the issue as if you’re a criminal investigation department interrogator following leads. You’ve got the answer you need yet you insist on humiliating her into a full scale confessional.

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My dear Jack, you’re going to lose this woman if you’re not careful, and you’re well on the way. You’re stoking her primal fears with your casual attitude towards money and your philosophy of relationship finance. She comes from a family in which the father behaved just as you’re doing now and she doesn’t want to experience what her mum went through. Her mum had to step in several times for her dad; she ended up bearing the total burden for the children’s education. It all began the way you’re behaving now – not taking total responsibility for your finance, somehow hoping she’ll always be there to step into the lacunae. Her father was not financially responsible and the family would have suffered immensely had the mum not stepped up to the plate. They suffered nonetheless.

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My dear Jack, it’s about possibility thinking. You’ve got to believe in possibilities. If you want to be an achiever you must believe in possibilities.

Possibilities are first and foremost inside of you. You meet them on the inside before you see them on the outside. Possibility is your heart pressing against your insides, pushing against the strains, challenging militating circumstances you encounter on the inside, refusing to accept status quo. Possibility is your heart seeking to work out different routes to your future, wondering how to deal with obstacles. It’s your heart breaking down a major challenge into pieces of achievable chunks, all with a view to overcome the challenge identified. You can’t attain unless you believe in possibilities.

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Dear Jack, I think it’s about doing certain things just because it makes her happy. Your desire should be to do things that make her happy. Especially because of the fact she’s been a wonderful wife to you; she goes out of her way to be supportive of you, sticks by you no matter what. There are thus things you won’t ordinarily do, but you do them because they make her happy. That’s the least you can do for her – make her happy. And so you stretch yourself to buy that birthday present, do your best to make the day enjoyable for her – make it a day she can be happy. You just want to see her happy. It’s what couples should do for each other – sacrificially make each other happy. And she need not know you stretched yourself to make that birthday memorable. Doesn’t matter. If someone makes you happy, make the person happy. That’s a mantra to live by.

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My dear Jack, you’re obviously not who she wants. She’s holding out for someone. But like they say, a bird in hand is worth two in the bush, so she maintains relationship with you but won’t promise marriage. She can’t make such commitment because you’re not what she wants. You’ve been dating for a year now and she won’t talk marriage – not even preliminary bits. And she’s told you she’s not promising marriage. Maybe you both need to sit down and define what exactly this relationship is.

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Dear Jack, no, he shouldn’t have told you that. It’s because he doesn’t understand what you’re dealing with. You’re suffering from depression. Depression is a disease of the soul – no different from any other disease really, so nothing to be ashamed of. But it’s more vicious than many physical ailments.

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My dear Jack, Valentine is coming up. You spoke about taking her to dinner. Is that still on? It’s the opportunity you have to re-sit that exam she conducted when she asked what made you convinced she was the one. Like I told you, in my mail she’s not looking for a narration of the sequence of your conviction. She just wanted you to give her words of assurance. It was a security question.

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My dear Jack, well, I can still say Happy New Year, can’t I? We corresponded last, last year. I do hope the year began very well for you. Sometimes, things start lugubriously. But the pace will soon pick up. Just resolve to be a better version of yourself irrespective of the mistakes you’ve already made this year. Don’t let them weigh you down. The year is too young for you to already be giving up on yourself. And thank you for the kind sentiments in your mail. I’m touched.

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